Thank you my friends for your thoughts and advice.
I know I am not the only one facing this and I know I am not the last one either. Death has been such a scary thing for me when I was growing up but after my MiL's death I have come to accept it in some ways. For older people of course.
My dad could die today, in a week, in a month time depending on his body. He has a pacemaker which wont let his heart stop so his other vital organs would have to quit first. I am dreading this phase but it is so close now...
H got the news that the newspaper made an offer to the other guy that quit at the same time he did, to work on a different basis and get even more money than what he used to. He got really upset because they didnt offer him anything and he felt insulted etc etc. His face changed in a minute after hearing the news. I tried to support him but he said I shouldnt "golden the pill" (our phrase). I did say what I believe and let it rest at that. I did tell him that what they offered to someone else doesnt change the fact that he maed a decision he had thought over well and that investing in jobs and bosses is an investment that rarely turns out wise. His pride was hurt. He spent 5 years there, 3 years working crazy hours and he feels they were lying to him when he was told he was great etc etc.
I "have" to support him. But I am not going to try hard this time. He is a grown up and has made decisions that were much more cruicial than this one and took risks. Sometimes, it feels so familiar me always supporting him, this time I cant give anymore... K
It is ok to let him be a man and support himself. You told him that you believe in him and are there, but I am sure he understands that you have enough on your plate without having to hold him too. I also agree with whomever said that he may not say it enough, but he is trying to show you how much he loves you by helping out more. Actions always speak louder than words.
I am so sorry about your dad. I completely understand what you are going through. With my dad, he got bad then worse in the course of a day so I didn't have to watch for long, but I still understand what it is like to lose a parent. I feel for you and am praying for you.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Who knows, maybe that guy went back to them and asked if a compromise could be reached, so they offered him that ? But I can see why his pride would be hurt. Plus work is central to your H hey (he has a 10th house Sun..meaning work/career/status is the focus for his sun ego).
I'm not surprised you cant give anymore, your Dad is so ill that takes precedence over everything and he shouldnt know that and shouldnt expect you to be superwoman.
We have that saying too.. "Dont gild the lily". Hugs Maria, thinking of you xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I get why your h feels the way he does. Rejection sucks. I pray he can process it and navigate through it well.
On your dad's front. I had my father at home during his final days.... and decided I would "grieve" him after he was gone. While he was there (now bed ridden) I layed beside him for his last 5 days, played his favorite music softly and had nice scented candles burning. Towards the end, we had a conversation (once he was aware of the impending outcome) of how much I was going to miss him and that I loved him. The rest of the time was remember when conversations.... remembering the wrinkles on his knuckles, ingraining them into my memories.... his face and so on.
I have always looked upon that as a most special time in my life. I was fortunate (I know a strange word to use here) to be holding both of my parents in my arms when they passed. What an honor that was for me. Just as they loved me into this world.... I loved them out.
I miss my daddy quite often, and i don't know if you remember but STBXH dropped the 2nd bomb (IDLY) speech only 3 weeks after my mom's passing.
I can tell through your post how much you love your daddy. Love him well though this. You will feel better for it.
Praying for you
S
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Life and death brings everything into stark contrast. Sending you warmth and strength as you say goodbye to your father.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I have no knowlegable advice as I have yet to experience the time period of someone really close to me on their final stages of life. Sandycay's words most likely describe closest to what you are going through and how you should remember your father.
I am sure this is also awakening some grieving in your husband of his past experience with the passing of a loved one.
Take care and I hope your kids are getting through this ok and with fond memories of their grandfather.
Life is on waiting mode. On hold. I am afraid to leave my house for long and get panick attacks when I hear a lot of comotion downstairs. My mother has been informed directly and clearly by my brother that my dad is in last stage, she is crying, she is cool, she is scared and she is practical.
I am OK. I love my dad very much and of course it will be a great loss for me but I dont want to see him suffering. I know he has had a full life and that he was/is loved very much by us his siblings, his friends, his little pupils.
H and I had a "little" argument on Friday. We were talking about a sensitive issue and I said I cant take his avoidance anymore, we need to deal with things (it wasnt about OW). He got very...vivid and said "you shouldnt burden me this period of my life" meaning he is in a difficult period because of work going on attack mode.
He didnt see my reaction coming. I started telling him very loudly and almost to tears, that I have supported him enough year after year with whatever he was facing. This period of MY life, I need support and he should buckle up, shut up and give it to me OR, just shut up and not burden ME. I told him of all people, he should understand this but instead he is acting pretty selfish and self absorved.
He didnt say anything but came to me later and hugged me tight. Our days together are peaceful and easy. He is definitely feeling like a fish out of the water and keeps busy cooking, taking care of the kids etc. My daughter was saying how she likeds dad's cooking better and I was teasing her acting hurt and she said "mom, if I dont say this, dad my leave again...". He didnt comment but felt very uncomfortable. I discussed it with him later and he was sad about it. K
We are praying for your Dad and all of your family.
Coach & Greek
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
