Quote:
Would that then push my M to the point of the ultimatum? I know that W has one foot out the door.


I'm not sure what you are referring to, but the big thing you must get past is the fear of her leaving you. It has you paralyzed. When you are living in that kind of emotional fear...it give her all the power. It's like she's sitting there with all the cards and you are scared to throw down afraid she'll......what? Bail? Have the winning card?

Your Ace trump is that recording of her and OM. Do not let her know you have it. Save that as evidence--if it should ever come to that point.

Detaching is an attitude. Have you read this?

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Respect yourself and demand respect from those around you. Do not allow your W to walk on you, scream & yell, or make cutting remarks. Do not treat her that way either and don't fight in front of the kids.

Here's the thread about boundaries:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1859179#Post1859179

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!