Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[HopelessInLove]

Thanks for all the input.

Trying to understand, though.
Detach and not think about the A, what ever happens happens?
Detach but confront knowing she will deny anyway?
Detach, confront, set boundries, and watch?
Detach and let her go?
Party like a rockstar? LOL

[Truegritter]

Detach and let her go?

Ayip

And work on you.

Read my post again to you a few pages back.

Any energy you put toward her right now is wasted energy IMO.

Boundaries are for your protection.

So

You'll know when you need them.

The A is a problem. She has already told you ILYBNIL. You confirmed the PA. You are separated?

I confronted my W. She denied.

Then What?

I left. I knew the truth. Do you need to hear it from her mouth?

It is what it is HIL.

Detaching doesn't mean you want a D. Doesn't mean you don't love her.

Letting go doesn't mean that either. It just means you can't control this so the only thing to do is let her make her choices

YOU

Take care of you.

So do you think confronting her any more is going to get you anywhere.

That is the only question you need ask yourself.

What is good for HIL and my goals.

You are still focused way too much on your W and what she is doing and while you are you won't be getting to a better place.

[HopelessInLove]

We as of last night are no longer physically sep. I moved back into house last night. She wanted me to discuss that with her, LOL, before I did this. I did not work the first time. I did it for my protection with the kids (my previous entries). But I will be mentally sep/detaching from her. I really had a good night last night. I was free being back in a life that used to be mine. I am not paying attention to the W, which was a bigger reason the move back was good!

I think what I need to do when W starts up tonight talking, because she is the one who brings up conversation, is say to her I would not like to talk about things tonight. She makes it this draw out process and then blames me every time for her never getting things done.

[Truegritter]

I think what I need to do when W starts up tonight talking, because she is the one who brings up conversation, is say to her I would not like to talk about things tonight. She makes it this draw out process and then blames me every time for her never getting things done.

You got some good advice on this already I think from Sandi.

Nod your head. If she says something batch!t crazy say

I understand how how you might feel that way.

No arguing.

You're not agreeing either.

Get to a calm place. Get your canoe out of the rapids.

[HopelessInLove]

Thanks all,

Until tomorrow with the next installment of this soap opera.

Goals for tonight; Detach, detach, relax, kids, laudrey, and detach! In no specific order.

[sandi2]

Would that then push my M to the point of the ultimatum? I know that W has one foot out the door.

I'm not sure what you are referring to, but the big thing you must get past is the fear of her leaving you. It has you paralyzed. When you are living in that kind of emotional fear...it give her all the power. It's like she's sitting there with all the cards and you are scared to throw down afraid she'll......what? Bail? Have the winning card?

Your Ace trump is that recording of her and OM. Do not let her know you have it. Save that as evidence--if it should ever come to that point.

Detaching is an attitude. Have you read this?

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Respect yourself and demand respect from those around you. Do not allow your W to walk on you, scream & yell, or make cutting remarks. Do not treat her that way either and don't fight in front of the kids.

Here's the thread about boundaries:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1859179#Post1859179

[HopelessInLove]

Sandi2,
Thanks for those sites and will look at them at some point.
Last night went exactly how I thought it would. W was irritated and wanted to attack verbally. W then blamed me for her not getting her school work done and wanted to attack me about that. She again through at me trust, how I am acting completely different (smiling and waking up early, etc). W- Why are you so happy? Because of my kids was my response. That shut her down completely. As she was yelling and screaming, I just watched in a relaxed and calm state, how she was imploding. I was laughing internally, becuase she was saying that I was getting angry. I let her blow off steam and then she started back into the night before conversation of trust. I immediately interupted her, said I will not tolerate her bringing up that issue and told her that I was ending the conversation. As I was walking away from her she asked how she should be acting and told her that she is free to act how she wants to act, and I left.

A boundry was set that I don't want to hear about trust any more. I will continue to shut her down when she brings that issue up.

I am not sure if the response was the right one about how she should act. She is, even when M was good, always asking for guidence. Thing is W rebels if I or anyone tells her what the expectations are, I learned not to say anything but to let her choose. No one should be in a one sided R. But there are certain things that are very imprortant to me and she has always known them, she never asks when it comes to those matters.

[sandi2]

That is why you need to read Coach's thread on boundaries.

[Truegritter]

A boundry was set that I don't want to hear about trust any more. I will continue to shut her down when she brings that issue up.

This is tough stuff to understand at first HIL.

There is a fine line here on what your boundaries should be to protect you.

And

Her discussing her feelings. IMO her saying she doesn't trust you is her "feelings"

I understand that her feelings might hurt you. But we can't control what other people think and feel.

That is an important lesson to learn here in this.

You might not agree. What I would have said is "I am sorry you feel that way."

It validates her feelings while not agreeing and not arguing.

Boundaries also must have a consequence...what is consequence of her sharing her feelings?

You denying them?

Detaching is the boundary for the emotions you feel from all this stuff. To protect you from that pain.

Water off a duck's back.

Think of your boundaries as deterrant for hurtful actions.

Like if she told you she doesn't trust you by pounding you on the shoulder. Probably a boundary needs to be set yes?


The consequence? You leave the room and maybe call the cops.

and be careful because IMO you can go crazy with boundaries and it can be like crying wolf.

If you need protection from everything how secure will that make you feel?

More like a victim than a man?

YOU choose what you will let get to you and hurt you.

That will become clearer and you will get better at it as you detach and begin to heal.

Will you let someone's actions and choices rule your life?

Dictate your happiness and self respect?

That power lies within you. Don't give it to your W or anyone else.

[HopelessInLove]

Last night, W and I talked again.

She was saying so much that she contradicted herself. She was stating that she felt like I was the one who wanted to be out of the M. I guess the not calling, pursuing, etc. was going noticed. W also stating that, I am saying that I am changing (I did state that at the very beginning of going through this experience but it does not come out of my mouth anymore). She says that I am not. Later in conversation W states does not understand my changes. Working out, doing chores, getting up early and taking care of kids. IMO she is just noticing that I am more involved, I was involved before. I was trying the validating of her feeling and not agreeing or arguing. She would called me out on it the 2 times I did it. She asked where I learned that and for me to stop. I won't stop.

W talked of going to see L on Friday. She is scared because she does not know why I got a L. I was honest with her before and told her that I did not want a D and that I want to know my rights and be protected. I then said to her that she is free to choose weather she wants a D or not. I want her to do what she wants. I am mentally prepared for the consequences. She says that I manipulate her. I did agree that showing up back to the house was manipulative but was not the intention. Well I think I just dropped the rope by telling her she can file a D if that is what she wants.

No matter what I know I need to work on boundries. That is something that I have not established much in my life. I guess that could have been a huge problem in M.

IMO W is confused.
IMO W has so much stress that she beleives having me out of her life will lift that stress.