I want to be part of the group...

[dolphin_05]

Like Kara, I read your whole thread Jstar and I get the sense of despair and difficulty you are facing financially and emotionally. The love and care for your children is commendable and perhaps you need to get to a lawyer just to see what your rights are and then be in contact with a church to get some pastoral support. St. Vincent de Paul or similar church groups are there for families in crisis. You need to ask for this help for you and your children. What about your work. Do they offer an employee advice/support program for counselling? Look at the resources available to you and use them to best support you. Use the library to get some books and meditation CDs for your soul. Keep contact with the meetup group. Continue to post here. Sending you every best wish. Cas

[kara]

Hi Jstar

I really agree with Cas. Counselling will make a big difference in your sitch. I would not have been able to change my attitude and outlook without counselling. It really helped me with detaching and seeing a bright future for myself. My counselor was able to assist with practical sugestions which had not occured to me.

As for whether you should file or not, only you will know when you are ready to take that step. If you need more time FOR YOURSELF before taking that step, then take that time. In any event, the more immediate critical thing is to find some counselling resources and avail yourself of whatever resources may be open to you. Talking to a professional really helps to take some of the weight off.

Love,

Kara

[Jstar]

just an update:

i had to get me and the kids a car, thankfully honda was having a super deal with no money down, nothing, so i signed and drove off with 2 gas cards for $50, refinancing my house which will safe me some money, teaching an extra class afterschool for some extra cash, still ahven't got a phone, i will wait till everything settles down with payments to see if it is in my budget.

we continue every sun to go to the divorce recovery/single parenting. even though i am not a big believer in religion it does give me some things to sink in and try to beleive that some higher power is in charge of all of this, i just feel welcomed when i go on campus, everyone so cheery and days good morning.

they have some series of classes during the week, but there is no way for me to attend, not at this time.

i'm trying to just balance everything out with work, extra work, the kids, house etc. finanically, if i had a roommate it would be comfortable, but they has not happened yet.

i'm not going to file, #1 it is like $500 to file and then to serve him is another $100. #2 it is time he grows up and takes responsibility for what he wants.

detaching is the most difficult, take today, after i asked him what his schedule was for sat morning, he said he doesn't work till the afternoon, i said, well why aren't you at d3's practice, he says he is alseep then. i thought that since i brought it up, was not accusatory, he would have attended, but he did not. that also meant i couldn't go get my hair cut. i go to the paul mitchel school, hair cuts are $12, takes 2 hours but they have never messed up my hair. when i've gone to other places, oh ihave had to pay for it in uneven hair and all messed up.

the comment that keeps ringing in my head is he is not ready to be a father or husband, i don't think he will ever be. i think he is happy and content. he has his mother doing his laudnry cooking, cleaning, he picks kids up a few hrs later he goes to work, gets a break brings them to me and goes back to work or whatever, he has every night and weekend free with no responsibility, he doesn't have to get the kids ready, other then change s8months clothes, but i'm betting his mother does it.

i work no holidays or weekends get al ot of time off from work, he doesn't push asking to see them. it's not real responsibility, he is just a babysitter, he gets to play with the kids and taht's it.

i've asked him what he does to discipline the kids, he says, oh well with me i never have to they are always behaved, well duh, if you are around them for an hour here hour there, never consistent, don't have to drag them out of bed cranky, brush their teeth, see them when they are all get out cranky tired, also i don't think my 3 yr old is comfortable enough with him to throw a fit. he really has no clue about children. and i'm the one who has been a teacher for over 10 years, raised my niece/nephew, have d18 but i know absolutely nothing.

on monday when my niece was watching the kids, i actually sat for 5 minutes, no students, no phone, no kids and just sat, i twas a nice break.

i'm happy with the kids, we goof around, danced around, we are in our own worlds, i don't notice anyone, they usually notice us, laughing or comment on how bright they are and beautiful. i can take them to eat at chili's and roll with it, we do whatever together.

one of my coworkers made a comment, we got our flu shots and about an hour after hers her arm was killing her, so she asked me, if mine was, she said, well if jstar's hurts then we know we are not being baby's, we know she can do anything. how the heck can i not do anything.

my parents raisded me to be independent, opinionated, combined with being a military police officer and veteran, what else can be thrown at me. i've seen death on many levels, if i could only get myself back to working out 2 hrs a day, well i'd settle for 30 minutes.

[Jstar]

yes my work does have some employee assistance for counseling, just not able to get to the appts, if i can't get my hair cut i can't exactly get bymyself to attend counseling. not yet.

[kara]

Hey Jstar

Just checking in to see how you are doing. I am glad to hear that you got a car! No more lugging around with the groceries or borrowing H's truck. Great step forward. Hope you're doing well.

Kara

[Jstar]

thanks kara, sometimes i feel this is my only outlet, my coworkers at times get front row seats to the drama.

i could not take it anymore about the car situation, so i'm teaching an extra class. i'm really worried about paying for everything.

just signed my refi papers.

i have always been a extremely strong person. i know when i do so much better, it is when i do not have to have any interaction with the h.

[Jstar]

I have been thinking of sending this to h. any thoughts:

i've tried for almost a year to stop certain things in how i feel. i have changed my way of thinking and approach to situations. i have stuffed my feelings down deep. as much as i have tried everything i still have love for you.

if the way i feel makes me a fool then so be it. i do know that i am a genuine woman with morals, values, and a set of ethics many strive to reach. when i got married it was a huge step for me, i understood what it meant, teh committment i swore inf ront of z that her parents would be together till death parts the m and all the other vows. you did nothing but doubt my committment because i paused, marraige is not to be stepped into lightly and divorce has scars that are imprinted on x and z. it is a destruction of a family.

i know that i cuold have been a better wife, more understanding and patient. i think i was pretty open about my feelings and didnt give you alot of credit and each time you messed up i nailed you. i also know i did not trust you and with you feeling like discussing your feelings, heart, and dreams you felt you'd be less of a man.

we are coming up on a year of seperation, i have used that time to grow and change certain things. i have hated and loved you the entire time. sadly i have nto been able to extinguish the amourous feelings, and makes me wish things differently.

well, since you could give a rats a@# about anything, i'm going to be just like you. there is no reason for me to not to bring someone in my life and the kids. I am deserving of and receiving love from a man who wants me desires me, and wants to be with the kids.

i have been lonely to long, i crave human touch and i have so much love to give a man. i am going to restore my family unit to the way it was intended with a mother and father who love one another and so strongly love their children and what is best for them.

i am sorry you have chosen not to participate with us in this journey. i was faithful to my marriage vows and it is you that left this family, chosen to destroy it and it is up to me to repair it.

i have put off dating out of respect for my marriage vows and declined on offers not only out of that respect but for the love i have for you. granted my actions at times do not give out that message but i have loved you through it all, the anger, lies, and selfishness. i think now it is time for me to selfish and get what i deserve. i vowed that you would be the man to spend the rest of my life with and raise these children and yet again i am sorry that you have made the choices you have and taken the easy cowardly way out.

i will have my church group continue to pray for me and the kids to find peace and love in our lives.

[25yearsmlc]

I have been thinking of sending this to h. any thoughts:

Do not send this letter. Ask yourself what your real TRUE goal is? To me is looks like a form pursuit mixed in with telling him off. I think you're actually hoping to get a reaction from him so it is a tactic for sure, but it's disjointed, sometimes loving & claiming to be different now, more patient, then angry and vindictive. I mean if you want to get things off your chest once and for all, at least write more clearly....for instance...


[quote=Jstar]I have been thinking of sending this to h. any thoughts:

i've tried for almost a year to stop certain things in how i feel. i have changed my way of thinking and approach to situations. i have stuffed my feelings down deep. as much as i have tried everything i still have love for you.

Here above, only the last sentence matters. The rest is meandering & confusing.

if the way i feel makes me a fool then so be it.

Do not say this ever. Don't name a slur and attach yourself to it. It's like saying 'if that makes me a SLUT then..." do not do that. It's PR 101.

i do know that i am a genuine woman with morals, values, and a set of ethics many strive to reach.

Lose the Parental tone as it's a turn off, plus it implies you're a great catch whereas HE is.....not so much. And your goal with this line?

when i got married it was a huge step for me, i understood what it meant, teh committment i swore inf ront of z that her parents would be together till death parts the m and all the other vows. you did nothing but doubt my committment because i paused, marraige is not to be stepped into lightly and divorce has scars that are imprinted on x and z. it is a destruction of a family.

drop all the above there....it's blaming him and bragging about your superior values, and mind reading, all combined. Of course he'll be angry and defensive when he gets this. Hey, Do you think he'll suddenly slap his forehead and say "OMG, NOW I get it"??

i know that i cuold have been a better wife, more understanding and patient. i think i was pretty open about my feelings and didnt give you alot of credit and each time you messed up i nailed you. i also know i did not trust you and with you feeling like discussing your feelings, heart, and dreams you felt you'd be less of a man.

Perhaps keep some of this but make it short and sweet. Like "If I could do it over, I'd do many things differently." Your point is that marriage NOW, would be different than before. Otherwise why would either of you want to reconcile?

we are coming up on a year of seperation, i have used that time to grow and change certain things. i have hated and loved you the entire time. sadly i have nto been able to extinguish the amourous feelings, and makes me wish things differently.

DROP ALL THAT....confusing, contradictory and repetitive, pursuing...which makes it, in total, sort of pointless.

well, since you could give a rats a@# about anything,

Ooops, another personality change! Drop this as it's both nasty AND mind reading...after all this time it totally negates your claims of personal growth!! And it's probably just like what you would LIKE to do differently if you had the chance, but INSTEAD here when you are supposedly "communicating" you revert and you are repeating the same mistakes!! DROP THIS....(but learn about yourself reading it...)

i'm going to be just like you.

Really? What? I thought he was selfish and cowardly and deceitful...and I thought you were going to model forgiveness and starting fresh but....instead, You'll show him just how you don't 'give a rat's ass" or value marriage or vows or family and all the rest you wrote above?? Um, make up your mind who you really are....BE HER....enough said...

there is no reason for me to not to bring someone in my life and the kids. I am deserving of and receiving love from a man who wants me desires me, and wants to be with the kids.

Just live this way. He'll see what he's missing without you announcing it, which reeks of tactics and not real change. Given how you have veered from one approach to another and another in ONE letter, I'd say you should BECOME who you want to become and not talk or write about it....You are deserving of a good man in your life so ....okay. Don't announce that "the hunt is on"....just be an upbeat happy BUSY woman with hobbies and interests and NOT someone who finds reasons she "cannot do" this and that and how unfair it is that he has free time. you have the kids so your worst fear of losing them, ( I assume that was your worst fear) won't come true. Thank GOD!

i have been lonely to long, i crave human touch and i have so much love to give a man. i am going to restore my family unit to the way it was intended with a mother and father who love one another and so strongly love their children and what is best for them.

Not sure what this even means unless you mean you're going to go grab some guy to play house with and have the kids call "Daddy". Drop ALL this --IF you MUST write something like this, say you are now moving forward to protect you and your kids to do what's best for them, and limbo and whatever this is, is not best....period. No more blaming or nagging. He gets it. You are angry and hurt but NO MAN is attracted to that....it reeks of anger and revenge and no one wants that either and it's unhealthy for the kids.

Please read up on forgivness even if he does not "deserve" it. Forgiveness means YOU letting go --and you are not doing it for him, but for you. He doesn't matter. He doesn't even have to know! But do it soon. You are consumed by your pain and anger and I can't see you meeting a healthy guy with that approach.


i am sorry you have chosen not to participate with us in this journey. i was faithful to my marriage vows and it is you that left this family, chosen to destroy it and it is up to me to repair it.

Meaning what? You cannot "repair" it by replacing your h with a new man like that.

BUT You have a family NOW. Yes Your h man wants out. Okay, but it's not the worst thing in the world. (Read my post to Irish about perspective) Just move on. Lots of families are happy and fulfilled without both parents there. Yes I'm pro M, but your M will not benefit from this attitude. If it's really over you still need to change the attitude even more.

Death and deployments take many parents away, and still, laughter and joy reside in the home. THAT is something YOU MUST create and ironically may be something your h will come to miss...he sure as hell won't miss all this blame and bitterness and talk of YOU improving spiritually and growing, only to nag and criticize in the next paragraph or sentence. You are supposed to CONTRAST HIS NEGATIVE JUSTIFICATIONS FOR LEAVING, WITH POSITIVE IMAGES...so that his "data" about you is not real. Instead, You are fueling his negative images with much of this!!

i have put off dating out of respect for my marriage vows and declined on offers not only out of that respect but for the love i have for you. granted my actions at times do not give out that message but i have loved you through it all, the anger, lies, and selfishness. i think now it is time for me to selfish and get what i deserve. i vowed that you would be the man to spend the rest of my life with and raise these children and yet again i am sorry that you have made the choices you have and taken the easy cowardly way out.

This is filled with one contradiction after another. Essentially brags that you COULD have had sex but didn't, then anger & accusations and blame about his past sins, then a selfishness goal of yours to "get what [you] deserve" --(so much for the new enlightened you) and then some more blame and name calling, as if he doesn't know he's dumped on you...you think HE thinks he acted fairly to you? If so, you think THIS letter will change anything about that? If it makes you look bitchy, it VALIDATES his choice to leave.

i will have my church group continue to pray for me and the kids to find peace and love in our lives.

What? "Pray for [you] & kids to find love"....you mean you don't have any? Oh you mean from a new man? You HAVE to have a man for YOU and the KIDS need a man? This reeks of neediness to me. Create the peace within, spread it to your kids. That's the right thing to do, and it's attractive.
You must work on you. Call a DB coach or get some T. Did you read the DB books? Start there if you haven't and I have a feeling you did not read them....if so, re read....please b/c you are so off track with this letter my friend....and read up big time on letting go, which is Forgiveness. Seriously it'll give you the peace you need and that will free you to be the best mom you can be. Otherwise your bitterness will preoccupy you and consume you. I've been there. No bitter preoccupied mom is good for her kids AND she ain't attractive either...

I say Don't send any of it. Write this for YOU and toss it. When it's time to say goodbye for real, you make it less than a paragraph and you do NOT blame. (There is great power in brevity with words). You wish them well, as if you are resigned to their poor choices but YOU have your life no longer on hold, as are happily meeting new interesting people, going to new fun places, and doing exciting new things!

Good luck
j

[Jstar]

journaling:

there is no reaction on anything from h. when he would talk to me he would use statements like, "somebody told me to do this" somebody will do this or that. so since d3 has had soccer, i asked a few weeks ago why he doesn't go, he even told d3 at one time he would but never showed up.

his response was, i'm to tired, i forgot, i got busy. so this past saturday, he said he was going to go, and i gave him my statement, well somebody might be there with us. the saturday came and passed, so i asked again why he didn't go, he said, i didn't want to go you said your bf would be there, my comment was, you would let someone else stop you from being with your kids, that choice is on you, you put your feelings before d3.

(the somebody was my sister) when i gave this response i took it from db as being vague and he naturally thought it was with a man,.

so a few days goes by, i ask him, you are alright with me being with someone else, what he answered i can not remember for the life of me, i do remember him saying well if you guys want to go out and me watch the kids, i say oh thanks, but whatever we do we are a family and the kids are rate there.

i know from being divorced before, that has got to eat at him, it did when i found out my previous h went hiking with another woman, this was even after we were divorced, it killed me, .

i gotta think it bothers him but then again, i do not think he could even recognize that emotion himself,.

what is the point of me asking these things, sure to get a reaction, what i have been doing has not worked so in not chasing cheeseless tunnels, i am trying something different.

here's another thing: my tradiiton is to go to our state fair every year, i mention to daughter, she is like daddy come with us? what am i supposed to give her as an answer, no daddy work, you can ask daddy? what?

she asks her father first response is i don't like the fair, next is well when?

i think that d3 at this young age understands the extent to which her daddy is in her life.

[Jstar]

so how do you explain to a 3 year old that her father doesn't love her mother? should i lie to her and say something else then the truth.

she wants he and i to do stuff as a family?