I'm back :( Not sure if I belong in MLC though

[ericmsant2]

Jennifer,

Yes NC is very hard to do when you have kids. So instead of thinking of it as “NC” or “Dark” – think of it as “true detachment with an attempt to limit any interaction”.

I answer the phone and give it right to them.

Can you pick up a caller ID system and once you see it is him have one of the kids pick up the phone. When and IF he asks for you, make sure that you are in the bathroom or something like that. If he insist on speaking with you – keep the conversation focused on the kids. Anything else that is brought up could be responded with a “I really do not want to talk right now”.

He picks up the kids from school, a few times a week right now, so that is when I have been seeing him in person

Is their anyway that you can make yourself scarce when he drops them off. Another option could be to have him drop them off at your family’s house and then you can pick them up later.

those are the times that he breaks down crying and saying all the stuff I've previously posted.

I think you need to explain to him that this type of behavior is NOT good for the kids to see and/or hear. If he starts up again, I really think you need to stand your ground, show support to some extent “you should really talk to your counselor” and then leave the room that he is in. Now, please I am not saying that you need to be very cool and distant – no – I am simply saying that YOU need to distance yourself from his wild behavior. He needs time to sort through this stuff and YOU cannot help.

I have to communicate with him regarding financial stuff. When we need money in the account, etc..

Come up with a monthly budget. Factor in incidental stuff like haircuts, etc and also the big ticket household expenses. Whatever the monthly number is, share it with him and ask that he deposit the money into the joint account. Another option is to have HIM pay the bills and only provide you with the money you need to support the kids. In the event that you cannot reach some sort of monthly number, then your contact should be via text. If he calls, don’t answer and just text him back.

I let him stay with the kids on weekend nights that I have plans with friends. I offer this to him, before contacting a babysitter because it gives him an opportunity to be with his children and vice versa as opposed to me having to pay for a sitter.

As a man that has had to fight to try and get ½ time with his kids…my first comment is it is his right to have his kids overnight. Having said this, his R with his kids is really something that he will need to work at. Based on my own personal sitch it is NOT easy – BUT this is not your problem. You may want to come up with a set schedule for a few reasons 1) get the kids into a set schedule and 2) allows both him and YOU to plan. In terms of limiting contact…you can use the family or friends as a drop off and pick up spot as well.

Do you think I should not even give him the option and just call a sitter from now on?

Jennifer, I cannot tell you what to do and even the above comments are just suggestions. Having said this, I think you should continue to give him the opportunity to see his kids and if that means to baby sit well then he should be given the right to refuse it. I suggest the parenting plan that I mentioned earlier.

If I do that, I suppose I fear he will flip out and accuse me of not letting him see his children.

Think about this for a sec…DO you think anything YOU do right now will change how he interacts with you? Probably not, so you need to make this about YOU and the kids. Do what feels right in your heart.

I have a bunch of stuff I need to put up on eBay

Lemme know what it is…I need a ton of stuff.

Jennifer, you can do this. You just need to start thinking creatively. I also want to say as someone who was totally cut off, that IF you feel that you still want this M. Leave that door open. Take a peek every know and then and see how he is coming along. If he wants the D, let him drive the process. For now, keep your emotional well being and that of YOUR kids YOUR TOP priority.

God Bless,
Eric