I'm OK. I've been doing some GAL, forcing myself to be with people even when I don't feel like it. I plan to drive up to see the Boys again maybe next week. No specific reason. Just miss the boys and want to see them just because. Even if all I manage is a few hours with them and have dinner, that would be great.
Michelle, I feel I am doing better than two years ago, much much better. Since I dropped the bomb to my W two weeks ago (told her I am at peace if she refiles because I don't know what to do anymore..., I called W to just say Hi and ask how the Boys are doing. Needed to tell her about some medical information that came up on my email. She was thankful about it.
Anyway, I'm now waiting on the Bomb's repercussions...None yet. W seems silent, but friendly. Let's wait and see...
Joel
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Sometimes I find the best way for me to get in the mood to be around people is just to do it. If I'm around fun people, I find it energizes me. Everyone has a different balance of how much time they want to be alone and with people. I found that I would get depressed if I spent too much time alone because I would spend too much time thinking.
You definitely have come a long way.
These kind of crises are hard, and it's a steep learning curve, but this is a great time to do some self-discovery and personal growth.
You are not passively waiting (I hope). You are giving her time to process what has happened and plan your follow-up (I hope ). There is a fine line between giving enough time (i.e. not expecting changes overnight or in a week) and just letting the change/boundary you want get brushed under the carpet. If you are not consistent, things will go back to how they have been. And actions speak louder than words.
Making the time to see your kids regularly is a great action. Taking care of the medical stuff is a great action.
And taking care of yourself is also great.
Keep doing it. One day at a time.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Do you know what makes men attractive to women? Do you realise how much work you have done? Your wife is still watching you.
Not having a plan isn't going to cut it. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I've been thinking a lot about the difference btw detaching and going dark. I was going dark a while ago, but I actually have been detaching since. The not-reacting to the W, or just brushing things off even if the situation is not what I wanted, the keeping a happy demeanor and not let things get to me...I think I've been doing that. Maybe not well, but doing it anyway.
I guess detaching is showing your best self and not let the sitch get to you regardless of what the ultimate outcome will be. Is that it? I think I'm about 75-80% there. Carlos and Michelle said once that being at peace is a good goal to shoot for. I think I'm there now. I am at peace with myself...and I'm not even mad at W!
Anyway, for all it's worth...
Joel
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
I guess detaching is showing your best self and not let the sitch get to you regardless of what the ultimate outcome will be. Is that it?
You mean like when they ask, "Why are you so happy?", and you honestly respond, "Because it's a nice day", and then they say, "I am still not happy", and you say, "That must suck for you. Well, I gotta go. Have fun!".
And it's all organic?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 10/19/1009:20 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Being at peace is good. Knowing you tried, feeling like you are living your values and having healthy boundaries are all very very good things to strive for.
Do you have some idea of how long you are going to let her mull over what you said before you take the next step?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Who are you (just you, not your family, not your marriage, just you)? What adjectives describe your true self? E.g. stubborn, honest, laid-back, scared, passive, aggressive, etc.
What do you want for yourself?
Your ultimate hope is to save your M. But not at the expense of yourself. In order to save your M, you have to become more yourself, more true to your self, a whole person who is capable of being in a healthy committed relationship.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
W just picked up the boys. This is the worst time after I've had the boys with me. I just feel useless, abandoned. It was a tense evening tonight before W showed up. I was at dinner with the boys. I reminded them we needed to get ready for my W coming around at 8:00PM. S11 asked why they couldn't stay til tomorrow morning. I said that was what W and I agreed upon.
So S11 calls W and asks the aame question. She then wants to talk to me and is really upset over the phone, telling me why I can't stick to the agreement etc,etc, why she hates me so much because I involved the boys into this because now she's going to look bad, and on and on. I just replied I'll have the boys ready at 8:00PM as planned. Then she hung up.
She then called back again a few minutes later and said I won and I might as well keep the boys all weekend. I told her S11 is OK and that I had a talk with him. She said I was lying. I just kept my calm and told her everything was OK and she can come pick up the boys as planned this evening. She then screamed: stop talking! So I remained silent. And there was LOTS of silence after that before I got disconnected.
I called W back to ask her what she wanted to do after all. I told her the boys will be ready as planned. She had calmed down quite a bit already and just said OK.
W came, boys said goodbye, and here I am on my own again. I hate this. I just hate the feeling. But I'm not the only one going thru this, I know. I still hate it. In the end I held myself pretty OK this evening. I think I did well. Never raised my voice. Never lost my composure. Just got emotional when I hugged the boys goodbye. But that's it.
I suspect some of you out there may think I was too kind or quick to abdicate, surrender my rights, who knows. Maybe I should have fought for that extra night with the kids. I still remember this: you don't always have to be right. It took me 2 years to get this straight. I don't always have to be right. I did OK this evening. Tough moment, but OK. I still had a great time with the boys.
Joel
I think you did good, just rise above, be the best dad you can, and avoid the confrontations....
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
). There is a fine line between giving enough time (i.e. not expecting changes overnight or in a week) and just letting the change/boundary you want get brushed under the carpet. If you are not consistent, things will go back to how they have been. And actions speak louder than words.