WAW 20 years and wants out

[soleil]

Pensa, I agree with coach--- let her know that she does have a choice here but state your boundaries clearly.

Don't be cold or mean or anything. Just be honest and straightforward and stand your ground.

[Pensacolabroken]

Sol,

thanks I am.

She has sent me more Txt messages in the last 2 hours than the last 3 weeks. she is all over the map.. I am not engaging anything other than she MUST BE DONE with the OM and if NOT she has to move out.. she keeps asking me WHY I AM DOING THIS?? really?

I am going to be calm and quite and let her have her wish. Freedom and Space

[TimeHeals]

she keeps asking me WHY I AM DOING THIS?? really?

She ain't that stupid, really.

[Pensacolabroken]

Nope she is a cat

[pookie69]

Nope she is a cat

So be the catnip.

[robx]

from pinhead's thread....

PH,

I realize what you are going through..

However, I have been helping men like you for a long long time and know what I am talking about. It goes against every fiber in your being to do what I say..

This is all meant to SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP....

To save it YOU have to let her feel like SHE somehow is getting dumped now...

Why?

IT WORKS.....


Women operate on feelings.. Her feelings says she isn't attracted to you.... The only way for HER to FEEL that you have heard her and understand her is to do what I said...


"WAW, I now get it. You are not attracted to me. It must feel terrible to think you have to stay with a man you are not in love with or attracted to. I don't blame you for wanting out if you feel that way. I would want out too if I felt that way about about a woman. I now get it. I can't possibly stay with a woman who doesn't find me attractive. Let's both move on. I am not sure what I feel about you anymore now either. I don't know why I haven't seen this before. I get it now."

THEN follow through on that.. It really is that simple and easy. You gain instant respect. Why? BECAUSE you have finally told her you have heard her. You have not tried to change her mind.. This is HOW TO VALIDATE... How can she NOT feel validated now? You have just told her that you understand what she is saying.. She isn't attracted to you in the right way and she is SCARED to hurt you. She is hoping you can get the message without her having to spell it out. (of course you are NOT getting it so it is slowly crumbling and drip drip drip)

When you tell her you "get it" and tell her it is now YOU who can't live this way either, instantly she secretly wonders if she is making a mistake. Instead of her thinking "how do I let him down easlily? she thinks.. "is THIS what I want? he HAS been such a good man.. He has always loved me... what if I am making a mistake?"

You have changed her frame of reference just by telling her you understand and that you are now going to let her go and be the INITIATOR of moving on down the road..


It will only work is SHE tells you she WANTS to be with you. Quit making it complicated.

[Pensacolabroken]

THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

WAW suddenly responded after 3 weeks of CB!! Tonight first meaningful discussion.. She "I went to MC why are you doing this?"

me "You go to MC for yourself" "I am going for me"
her"where will I go?"
me" wherever you want.. you are free.. GO...!"
her" How can you tell me one day you want me and the next you dont care about me?"
me "I am moving on, here is my boundry.. if you cant agree, then good luck, wish you well, and it was meant to be.. "
her" where will I go?"
me"not my issue" This is non negotiable"

her"are we stil scheduled for counseling next week?"

me "yea" "But I want you out as soon as you can"

her... TOTAL TURN AROUND..

maybe so maybe not.. but I am not running down rabbit holes, and she is FREE to leave.. I dont care. Stay or go..

I would like her to stay but I dont trust her.

I am not sure what happend but apparently running now to OM is not cool?

whatever until she breaks it clean and I have proof.. I am moving.. on.

[Pensacolabroken]

THis morning she mentioned she was losing weight due to all the stress and none of her clothes fit her. I told her yep this is stressful.

She moved her MC paper work around again so I could see it.. I pretended not to notice.

Then she said she would be home tonight and was going to eat a table dinner with our S9. I didnt say if I would be here or not.

She called me from her work 5 minutes ago to tell me to take out the water bottles for the water delivery.

Question... Now that I delivered the "I dont want you here", how often should I remind her to get out? I really want her out.

She also mentioned finances last night and said she cant afford to move out, I told her dont let money be the reason she stays. and reminded her she is free now and I want her to leave.

Sticking to my guns..

tomorrow I tell her I am going to seperate our accounts.

[TimeHeals]

Question... Now that I delivered the "I dont want you here", how often should I remind her to get out? I really want her out.

Words... are just words. You've said them, so how often should you nag her? Nag her when she brings up any subject involving you two being together, everytime she contacts OM, etc.

Actions: I'll defer to others, but she's going to need boxes and packing tape. You could go get those, and if you know her appartment budget, you could put together a list of apartments and leave it on top of the boxes with the packing tape and dispenser.

This can drag out if you allow it. Your boundary is "I will not live in an open marriage". You are just enforcing a reasonable boundary. Unless she gives you something new to work with, make this happen and figure out what a reasonable time-line is. It takes about a week to find an apartment and sign a lease, get movers, and so on FYI.


There's no reason--if it were me--that I would cave on anything short of complete transparency and NC with OM, and even then... not so sure from what you have posted here.

[Pensacolabroken]

Time,


Where have I indicated that I would cave? I am standing my ground. I like your idea of the boxes and packing tape. I can box a lot of the family stuff up also.

Yes my boundry is "I WILL NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE" I concur I am demanding COMPLETE transparency and NC with the OM.

thanks for the support. Now I think I need more than when I was a doormat..