All very interesting. 7 weeks ago my W left and said it was over. She hooked up with a guy(he was not a long time fling) and told our Co that it was basically over. That we lost our communication and she had disconnected from the marriage and me most likely a year ago and was just going throgh the motions until she snapped labor day W/E after I put my foot down about her drinking and being on facebook and ruining our vacation. She drank herself into a fury for a week and moved out the next weekend. All in all very bad. Co said it looked grim.
7 weeks later. She is calling me. Told me OG is getting out of the picture and she really does not like him anyway. conversations have been about the issues we had in not communicating again, yes again, and she is worried things will go right back. 7 weeks ago she was done. Only wanted to go to Co to see why she disconnected. We have not had a joint session yet.
I saw Co today. Told him whats going on and the ideas I have gotten here. He asked why I would tell her to BLOW off when she had blown off herself? Said it would not help since she was out the door anyway. Told me to take her calls if I feel strong enough to not R talk. said he see's progress in the things we have talked about. I told him that she wanted to meet after Co session and talk about it. He asked how I felt. I felt pretty strong!
We meeet in a parking lot of a store. She looks happy to see me. We hug(1st time she has hugged me back). She asks if I will shop and talk with her. I needed a few things. We talked about Co and what was said. She said she is really stressed from work ( she just got handed every state agency in fla this week to manage) and has not been able to put much thought to us. We shopped and chit-chatted and it seeemed real good. I suggested she get back to work. Outside we hugged again and she seemed hesitant to leave. Her job is taking her out to happy hour for her b-day tonight so I told her to have fun. She waved to me all the way out of the lot and when we hugged she said she missed me. She must have called me a minute later to say thanks for meeting her and I said it was nice and helped calm me. She said her too.
Now I may get hell for this but I am at the same time detaching. Co said I am way ahead of the curve from her in dealing with this. That I have dealt with the grief and angerof her leaving while she has not because she has not had time. That she is using OG to help her ego. That when I am DONE that it will be easier for me to let go. He thinks I'm just not there yet and I agree.
Ok c'mon hit me. What I did today felt right.
M-48 W-38 no kids M-9yrs twice Bomb and affair labor day WE
If I had blown her off 7 weeks ago she would not even be at this place where she may be starting to connect to me again. Isn't that what's this all about?
So you agree then that the betrayed spouse does bear some responsibility for the breakdown in the marriage.
Is there an echo in here?
You made a point that spouses share in marriage problems. I didn't disagree with you.
It feels like we're stuck in an endless loop here.
Spouse share in marriage problems. Marriage problems are NO excuse for cheating. If you are asking me or trying to get me to agree with you on this, I won't. I don't believe that marriage problems cause infidelity or gives any spouse a free pass to cheat. If that were actually the case, why not come up with a sliding scale of marriage problems, possibly invent a high tech digital scale that married couples can post on a wall in their homes, somehow it monitors the intensity of the marriage problems and when the gauge shows some value in the higher extreme "red" zone, it will sound a loud audible alert (similar to a home security system), "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Danger! Danger! one of you will probably cheat, take appropriate action immediately!!!"
If marriage issues really become that bad, I suggest handling it like adults, seek the required professional help and if the help doesn't fix the problem, get a divorce and split up legally that way no one has to deal with issues of infidelity. Read the various stories on these forums: people who cheat on their spouses usually sneak around, lie, become mysterious and unavailable. If they really believed what they were doing wasn't the wrong thing to do, why would they have to hide and sneak around while cheating? Hiding, lying, sneaking around, being secretive, all indicate on some level that a person feels guilty about what they are doing when they are cheating on their spouse. This suggests that they know what they are doing (aka cheating/infidelity) is a bad thing, regardless of the combined "team effort" that went into the marriage problems. Otherwise why feel guilty? Why lie? Why cheat? Why be so secretive and lead a double life? Why not just come out in the open and say:
"I'm filing for divorce, when the divorce is final, I plan on starting a new relationship with another person. I'm telling you now because I don't want to feel guilty and be labeled a cheater. Regardless of our marriage problems, I have enough respect for you and myself for that matter to not cheat while married."
It sucks, it may sting & hurt the other spouse but it's honest.
That's my view on this.
Asking the same question 10 different ways in hopes of getting the answer YOU are wanting to hear isn't going to work with me, try someone else ;-)
If I had blown her off 7 weeks ago she would not even be at this place where she may be starting to connect to me again. Isn't that what's this all about?
You set the boundary on behavior that was unacceptable to you and look at the results.
Quote:
she snapped labor day W/E after I put my foot down about her drinking and being on facebook and ruining our vacation. She drank herself into a fury for a week and moved out the next weekend.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So you agree then that the betrayed spouse does bear some responsibility for the breakdown in the marriage.
Is there an echo in here?
You made a point that spouses share in marriage problems. I didn't disagree with you.
It feels like we're stuck in an endless loop here.
Spouse share in marriage problems. Marriage problems are NO excuse for cheating. If you are asking me or trying to get me to agree with you on this, I won't. I don't believe that marriage problems cause infidelity or gives any spouse a free pass to cheat. If that were actually the case, why not come up with a sliding scale of marriage problems, possibly invent a high tech digital scale that married couples can post on a wall in their homes, somehow it monitors the intensity of the marriage problems and when the gauge shows some value in the higher extreme "red" zone, it will sound a loud audible alert (similar to a home security system), "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Danger! Danger! one of you will probably cheat, take appropriate action immediately!!!"
If marriage issues really become that bad, I suggest handling it like adults, seek the required professional help and if the help doesn't fix the problem, get a divorce and split up legally that way no one has to deal with issues of infidelity. Read the various stories on these forums: people who cheat on their spouses usually sneak around, lie, become mysterious and unavailable. If they really believed what they were doing wasn't the wrong thing to do, why would they have to hide and sneak around while cheating? Hiding, lying, sneaking around, being secretive, all indicate on some level that a person feels guilty about what they are doing when they are cheating on their spouse. This suggests that they know what they are doing (aka cheating/infidelity) is a bad thing, regardless of the combined "team effort" that went into the marriage problems. Otherwise why feel guilty? Why lie? Why cheat? Why be so secretive and lead a double life? Why not just come out in the open and say:
"I'm filing for divorce, when the divorce is final, I plan on starting a new relationship with another person. I'm telling you now because I don't want to feel guilty and be labeled a cheater. Regardless of our marriage problems, I have enough respect for you and myself for that matter to not cheat while married."
It sucks, it may sting & hurt the other spouse but it's honest.
That's my view on this.
Asking the same question 10 different ways in hopes of getting the answer YOU are wanting to hear isn't going to work with me, try someone else ;-)
What would we tell a woman who was getting abused by her husband? And she admitted she had a role in the relationship problems.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
yes I did coach. I was sick of it. She drank all night until 11:30am the next morning when we were supposed to leave so at 3pm I left without her, expecting her to follow later but she just bailed. So my foot went down, result was bad. 7 weeks ago no hope of reconciling. Now who knows but things are better between us and I have told her she has to fix her current sitch and she promises she will.
"I'm filing for divorce, when the divorce is final, I plan on starting a new relationship with another person. I'm telling you now because I don't want to feel guilty and be labeled a cheater. Regardless of our marriage problems, I have enough respect for you and myself for that matter to not cheat while married."
I'm glad you stick to some decent principles in this example.
I personally find the "I have no self-esteem because my entire self-esteem is derrived from my now-wounded ego, so I am going to start dating while married" a position of low integrity and an example of another kind of weakness.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
As I told the Co, I am fighting for our M right now all alone. If that fight ends with no M, I'll be ok. I will be able to hold my head high and walk away. She will not!
yes I did coach. I was sick of it. She drank all night until 11:30am the next morning when we were supposed to leave so at 3pm I left without her, expecting her to follow later but she just bailed. So my foot went down, result was bad. 7 weeks ago no hope of reconciling. Now who knows but things are better between us and I have told her she has to fix her current sitch and she promises she will.
So it worked!?!?!
Follow her actions. Learn to validate her feelings, don't get defensive and don't rescue her. Let her come to you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
