MLC=Twilight Zone/When do I wake up?

[PEI]

Would she want to go out to dinner with me for any reason if
she was serious with anybody else at this point?

YES

My H would get off the plane after seeing OW and immediately drive over to have dinner with D and I. They are confused. Be careful about YOU trying to make logical conclusions by their actions. I'm not saying there IS an OM, but it simply cannot be ruled out based on her crazy actions.

Hell, mine came home and initiated sex. Dinner is nothin' ... don't put any stock in that.

Mach is right <ouch, that hurt> ... the date means nothing to her in her MLC world right now. It's the major effort on her part to not get your hopes up that screams at me. It's all over my thread. H was very clear about that, and guess who said she had no expectations? Guess who was full of sh!t?

Now, that being said ... I happen to agree with you, mostly

If you can MANAGE your expectations (and you do have them, your quote up there ^^^ proves it) and she initiated the invite, then going is up to you ... Just remember to keep validating, keep listening and hey, enjoy the meal ...

Peace
PEI

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Warrior,

It is in your best interest to at least perpare yourself for the likelyhood of there being an OM. Not saying there is, some MLCers do not have an affair or OP. However those are a very low percentage, very very low.

Low enough that if you want to stand, at least prepare yourself not to be blindsided, we all turn into idiots when we find out.

"My wife would NEVER do THAT to me...oh wait, I meant I NEVER thought my wife would do THAT."

[PEI]

"My {husband} would NEVER do THAT to me...oh wait, I meant I NEVER thought my {husband} would do THAT."

Jeez Jack ... that sounds WAAAAY too familiar. Although, I was in far too much shock to turn into an idiot ... maybe it's a guy thing???

WS, you're getting good advice up here ^^^, the best.

PEI

[Mach1]

Maybe it might be better for you to prepare a balance for yourself..

Something in the middle.....???

Life is about perspective, and you are used to one that you admitted to being , sucktastic at times...

Use your knowledge to your advantage...

Want a new perspective at dinner ?

Expect the food to be good, the lighting to suck, the waiter to slip and fall, they play some crappy Rush : O

DO NOT expect anything from her....nothing....

This is part of what you can do for you right now...

[warriorshadow]

Thanks Alb,

Totally get the cake eating part of this.

If I knew that it was cake eating, I would

have handled all of my responses differently.

I don't know yet.

I do make a lot of assumptions.

She is still seeing IC on a weekly basis.

She knows something is not right. She has said

she will probably have to see an IC for the rest

of her life.

MLC'rs SAY a lot of things.

As an LBS'r, I don't have an option

to just assume the worst. I choose to

walk a path that is comfortable for me.

I have not regretted the path I have

taken as I look back. I would like to

keep it that way.

Every time I think I have messed up,

I have learned something that may not

have revealed itself if I did not mess

up. So are they truly mess ups then?

Or are they part of this journey for

us LBS'rs?

As painful as this journey is, I don't

really want to have my W back before

she is done cooking.

Lance has mentioned some of this in his posts I think.

[warriorshadow]

Wow!!
Thanks for all of the support you guys/gals!!!

[LanceSijan]

Yes, just like you anniversarry dinner you want your W to be fully cooked before you take any for consumption.
1/2 baked MLC'er don't taste good.

FTR I think you can go to dinner and have no expectations.
It really is good practice.
Having "a live in" is a whole different set of experiences.

Then again in 10 days she won't be living "in" anymore.

[ericmsant2]

Warrior,

Would she want to go out to dinner with me for any reason if she was serious with anybody else at this point?

I suspect that you believe this statement. Chit I know I did…THEN….well the rest is history.

Mach and other have given you some very good advice. What I see is actually some of the same chit I still struggle with my friend and that is that you think that she is still the same women that was married to you. Sorry to say she is not and nor will she ever be. A hard realization that we must all come to grips with – myself included.

Is she going to go to dinner with me out of sheer guilt?

Guilt? Do you actually think she feels any guilt? Do you? Really Guilt?

Okay maybe she feels a little guilt BUT that IMO is not what dinner is about. I suspect that what she want to do is to “see if you are okay”. Yep, she knows this chit is killing you. She’s not stupid. If I were a betting man I would suspect that the convo may end up going in the direction of WHY she is doing what she is doing. I suspect that she will look for you to “understand” why she is doing, “understand” how much she tried and that this is really about her.

You see, IF you agree and understand…well then she will have no guilt- At least not now.

Oh another reason for dinner – hey maybe she wants to have a nice meal. Have you suggested Mickey D’s to her and see if she is still interested?

If I don't go to dinner with my W because she steps forward and initiates the request, doesn't that make me an a**hole if I don't go?

No it does not make you and as*hole. Matter of fact, it makes you someone who can be respectful and still decline her request because YOU decided for YOU that YOU did not want to go. Honestly, you must get to a place where YOU really don’t give a chit about how she feels to some extent. I am not saying be a prick just that her needs no longer matter UNLESS YOU really want to do something nice. The only way to get to this place, Warrior is to truly detach, let go and really begin to live your life. It really is the only way. Having said this, I still struggle with it.

and guess who said she had no expectations? Guess who was full of sh!t?

This ^^^^^ pretty much sums up my first response to YOU. Look man, I’m calling bullchit. You expect to find out where she is at. Deep down inside you hope that she sees your new way of being and snaps out of it. That’s fine. I know why you feel this way. Problem is that you are going to spiral downward. You are going to hurt. You can say Nah…I’ll be fine – I know better. I lived it. Fuc* I still live it. So accept that you have expectation. Do the best you can to keep them as low as you can AND then…..

Learn from this.

If I knew that it was cake eating, I would have handled all of my responses differently.

Really…would you have. Warrior, I hope your W is not having an A. I really do. If you come to find out – YOU are going to be REALLY ANGRY.

Nothing you say to yourself, nothing YOU say to me, nothing you plan for will help. It will be pure rage.

Expect it!

The thought our your W f*cking someone else is probably one of the most painful experiences of my life.

I wish you the best at dinner Warrior – I do.

After dinner do me a favor…

Go live YOUR life!

Stop looking at your W

Stop looking at her actions

Fu*k stop talking to the IC about her.

Just go be Warrior….Prince of Persia!

[FaithnAK]

Would she want to go out to dinner with me for any reason if she was serious with anybody else at this point?

From my own personal experience. Yes. Especialy if you don't know if there is someone else.

[FaithnAK]

I'm going to post to you how I dealt with the dinner thing. Please know that I was unaware of the OM at the time. At the time I was in a complete denial and struggling with pursuit mode. I knew at that time I had a hidden agenda.

When I sent this email, I actually heard through a mutual friend that she was blown away when I sent this to her and even said she was thankful for the honesty. This was a fixing of my mistake at the time and in NO WAY reflects your sitch and where I'm at now. Just wanted to share this with you.

This is the actual email I sent to my W:

"As far as dinner goes…

When I asked you to dinner it was because I genuinely wanted to spend time with you without talking about the relationship or divorce or any of the past, but with a slight intent of “maybe” changing your mind about me. Pretty Weak, I know.

At that time I was having a really hard time accepting my guilt of not fixing myself a long time ago and after all the crap behavior I have pulled on you while being under the influence, I really felt like I owed it to you to spend quality time without any BS. Now that my attitude has changed for the better and I see things a lot clearer, it wasn’t fair for me to ask you to do anything you don’t want to do or are hesitant to do. That is NOT respecting your feelings. (And I’m a year too late anyway so no sense in trying to “fix” the past anymore.)

You have made it pretty clear that you don’t really want anything to do with me other than business-settling and since it’s bad for my well being to keep trying to change/save/fix our marriage and your feelings towards me…

I’ll respectfully retract that offer for dinner."

Please don't 2x4 me this was back in August. I'm in a different place now. Hope this just helps in some way.

NICE GUYS need to STOP doing this crap.