"How would you suggest a man handle it if his wife is having an affair while living in his home, neglecting the kids, spending money recklessly, no responsiblity to the family, and coming and going as they please? "
oly Crap that is what MY WAW is trying to do until I called her on it today!
do they learn this at School?
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
I will never understand why there is always a sizable percentage of people here who openly advocate not having or enforcing basic, healthy boundaries.
It's like there is a contingent of open advocates for codependency.
TH, it's either because no one understands the concept that establishing & enforcing boundaries is a large part of what's required for getting respect and it's because there are a lot of people out there dealing with the fear associated with freeing themselves from codependency and/or they are clueless as to how their codependence is affecting them.
The tough love thing certainly feels better than being a victim, and if the thing that "works" is to end the marriage, it's pretty effective
interesting. would you not consider a marriage where one of the partners is having extramarital sex and telling someone else they love them and choosing to spend their time with them over their spouse effectively ended?
So you agree then that the betrayed spouse does bear some responsibility for the breakdown in the marriage.
Originally Posted By: robx
But….
The infamous “but.”
Originally Posted By: robx
if your spouse makes the decision to have an affair and cheat on you, that is a decision they made, you had no say in that decision. If they exercise the power to make decisions such as these, they also have responsibility for those same actions.
Agreed - perhaps you are under the impression this was not understood.
Originally Posted By: Coach
No it's about boundaries, behavior that isn't acceptable in a marriage. The WAS has a choice. MWD advocates 180s - stop being a Nice Guy.
Perhaps you feel that the only way to have boundaries or to stop being a “nice guy” is to be the “tough guy”.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Drop the rope- agree with them, yep this marriage isn't working for me either, you are free to go if you choose.
This is not what the man in the scenario did however.
Originally Posted By: Coach
GAL - respecting and valuing yourself is a great start
Absolutely. Maybe you are under the impression that there is only one way that can be done.
Healthy boundaries one one thing - while it may make sense that being a “tough guy” is a 180 from being a “nice guy.” Its not necessarily so, however. It is easy to confuse being "tough" for having healthy boundaries.
would you not consider a marriage where one of the partners is having extramarital sex and telling someone else they love them and choosing to spend their time with them over their spouse effectively ended?
So you agree then that the betrayed spouse does bear some responsibility for the breakdown in the marriage.
Originally Posted By: robx
But….
The infamous “but.”
Originally Posted By: robx
if your spouse makes the decision to have an affair and cheat on you, that is a decision they made, you had no say in that decision. If they exercise the power to make decisions such as these, they also have responsibility for those same actions.
Agreed - perhaps you are under the impression this was not understood.
Originally Posted By: Coach
No it's about boundaries, behavior that isn't acceptable in a marriage. The WAS has a choice. MWD advocates 180s - stop being a Nice Guy.
Perhaps you feel that the only way to have boundaries or to stop being a “nice guy” is to be the “tough guy”.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Drop the rope- agree with them, yep this marriage isn't working for me either, you are free to go if you choose.
This is not what the man in the scenario did however.
Originally Posted By: Coach
GAL - respecting and valuing yourself is a great start
Absolutely. Maybe you are under the impression that there is only one way that can be done.
Healthy boundaries one one thing - while it may make sense that being a “tough guy” is a 180 from being a “nice guy.” Its not necessarily so, however. It is easy to confuse being "tough" for having healthy boundaries.
I didn't call it tough love I was quoting you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I will never understand why there is always a sizable percentage of people here who openly advocate not having or enforcing basic, healthy boundaries.
It's like there is a contingent of open advocates for codependency.
In the limited time that I've been here (and I read more than just this one forum, as I'm still not sure if my wife is in MLC, having an affair, or just a WAW), what I have read mostly are people that SAY they're all for "enforcing boundaries," but when someone actually specifically ADVOCATES doing JUST THAT, they get hooted down.
To paraphrase that great marriage expert Jerry Seinfeld, "I'm pretty sure that the ENFORCING of the boundary is the most important PART OF the boundary."
