Albuquerque living

[PEI]

Thanks for stopping by VH. I think you're right. I will try to pull back slightly but it IS difficult. He's ALWAYS said that the most attractive thing about me was my brain. And just recently he's said NUMEROUS times that it was a CONVERSATION that we had that really made him miss me. So I'm working to be as available as possible and offer him plenty of conversation opportunities. At the same time though, I agree it may seem like pressure even though I'm working my hardest to make it not seem that way. I still have not initiated any of our R talk and still let him contact me first. He took me up on my offer of reading the DB book so I'll see if he actually tackles it. I won't ask and I'll try to give him space tomorrow. I'll even keep IM off.

Remember to do what works, and what seemed to work to draw him back towards you was you being independant and getting on with your life. I agree with VH, way too available. And you admit to working at it to be that way. Alb, work on YOU, I don't hear anymore talk about your own issues that you want to address, the skeletons in your own closet, the issues you brought to the table that contributed to the dynamic. Return your focus to YOU. He needs to find his fixes on his own, regardless of how fabulously attractive he finds your brain Space has to exist, not for a day, but for a lifetime, enough breathing room to be comfortable and independant.

He did show up for dinner tonight and it went well but we've definitely taken a step back in our physicality. It just feels wrong given the turmoil I know is going on in his head. *sigh*

Good. Not sure if you read my thread or not, but this sent red flags up for me. And honestly, you think the adults here are confused, what about your D?

One of the biggest temptations for the LBS is to over-engage when the WAS starts to reach out ... it's easy to do. Let him lead the contact, continue to validate, don't allow any cake eating and continue to focus on YOU. Keep on truckin'...

Peace
PEI

[Albuquerque]

Alb, work on YOU, I don't hear anymore talk about your own issues that you want to address, the skeletons in your own closet, the issues you brought to the table that contributed to the dynamic. Return your focus to YOU. He needs to find his fixes on his own, regardless of how fabulously attractive he finds your brain Space has to exist, not for a day, but for a lifetime, enough breathing room to be comfortable and independant.

Let him lead the contact, continue to validate, don't allow any cake eating and continue to focus on YOU. Keep on truckin'...

Thanks PEI. That's a good reminder and something I've been telling myself. I just signed D and I up for a skeet shooting class. We'll keep on planning new and weird things for us to try while H figures out what he's doing. I told him awhile ago that if there is anything on the calendar that he sees we've planned that he would like to join, he's welcome. But I'm not going to be inviting him to anything. I'm continuing with my pole dancing class and have finally moved up to the harder classes and am loving it.

One of our biggest R issues was our ability to communicate. My ability to communicate with patience, forethought, and openness has been one of the key things I've worked on for myself. So it's kind of a catch 22 in that he definitely sees our communication as being so much better, but I still need to back off slightly while still working on my patience and communication issues.

I HAD planned to concentrate on myself today. And I guess I have. But this morning, H invited me to breakfast and said he was doing some "planning". I said OK but didn't know what "planning" meant. Turns out he's trying to work on his chronic disorganization (leading to workaholicism) issues. He showed me a new program he downloaded and how it works and asked me questions about how I schedule things out for my job etc. There was absolutely no R talk. I just let him talk about his job, his plans and answered his questions. He asked me what my plans for the day were and I said "just work stuff". That would have sufficed a month ago (if he had even asked which he probably wouldn't have). But now, he wanted more specifics about what I was doing etc. We hugged goodbye and he said he'd talk to me later.

I work from home many days, including this one. I saw him on IM (I was invisible) but chose not to flip it on. He texted me at 1145 and said "you may be getting tired of eating with me but wanna go have Thai?". I opted to go. Not sure if that was the right approach or not. I'm certainly not being the pursuer here. Once again, there was absolutely no R talk. Just talk about work, and D and just pleasant chit chat. And like breakfast, I let him talk and the only topics I brought up were about D. He still talks about the future in a way that's confusing. For instance, he talked about wanting to visit some friends in Oklahoma where we used to live. I recently opted NOT to go to Oklahoma for my 10 year vet school reunion. So he said maybe he'd go when I have my 11th year reunion. I don't know if he realizes what he's saying when he says things like this because that kind of implies togetherness. But I remind myself that even though he's somewhat less fogged up, he's still in MLC and therefore still confused.

When we said goodbye, he mentioned that he wanted to join us this evening because D and I had plans to meet with a social group for coffee. He said he wasn't sure if he'd be able to make it but asked me to call him before we left. I guess I'll do so. I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong here, but I didn't initiate ANY of these meetups. His actions seem to indicate he just wants me around right now even if it's not talking about anything significant. Is that still being too available? Is that still cake eating? I'm not really sure.

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Brief update. Prior to going to our coffee gathering, I texted H (as he had asked) just to let him know we were going. He made some small joke but made it sound like he was going. But I didn't ask.
Upon arriving, we saw H was arriving at the same time. D was elated since I hadn't told her that was a possibility (learned that lesson a looong time ago). Once inside, I introduced him to the people I knew. Out of habit, I introduced him as my H and then instantly regretted that. Seemed like I shouldn't really be bringing that up but since I haven't been to ANY social event with H post-bomb, this wasn't a situation I'd encountered before.

One of H complaints at the time of the bomb was that we never went out and socialized. D and I have been attending a lot of events since then including this one because I realized he was right and I realized I enjoyed them as did D. I talked to various folks but H seemed a bit withdrawn. I was a bit surprised he didn't engage people more when I was involved with interesting conversations. He did a bit, but not to the extent I would have expected. Kind of made ME realize that I have grown a lot in that endeavor since I think pre-bomb I would have spoken even less than H. Anyhow, he still seemed to enjoy himself. At one point, we both got up from the table to get drinks and were standing next to each other. He ended up putting his arm around me. Definitely something I like but I can't help feel like I don't want to enjoy it too much in case it gets yanked away from me again.

Afterwards, he thanked me for "dragging him" to the event. I told him I had hardly DRAGGED him. In fact, there was no dragging involved. He said he knew but that sometimes he needed to be dragged to things. Not quite sure what he meant by that (not spending a whole lot of time figuring it out). He's the one that mentioned going and then actually made the effort to go. I simply mentioned D and I were going when he asked me earlier in the day what my plans were.

I can't help but wonder what kind of relationship he has with OW right now. He himself has told me it's spiraling downward. Given the amount of time he's been spending with me, on the phone, texting, etc, I can understand how. He's still not on FB either. Ah well. No point wondering about that stuff anyhow. Stick to me. I will attempt (once again) to keep to myself today and give him space. We shall see how that works out.

[dolphin_05]

I'm very interested in your situation Al as you are another like me who has a reconnecting H who has an ow. It's not a great position to be in (and you're further along the path than me). I have wondered whether ow gives H a little space and an out if he lets himself move in too quickly. I'll keep reading along!

Cas

[MHL]

Out of habit, I introduced him as my H and then instantly regretted that.

I don't think this is a bad thing, it is a fact......

he is still your husband.

It wasn't like you were looking for an opportunity to use those words. If you stop and think about it if you were with a friend you would introduce them as

"this is my friend, XXXXXXXXXX"

We always introduce people based on how we know them. It would have been more unusual to only introduce him by his name.

I did the same thing with my wife a couple of weeks ago at an open house at my son's school. I paid it no attention, but it did remind me of the situation.

You are doing great and you do have many positives going on right now and you are also doing a good job in not putting the pressure on you H.

Cheers

[TAMF]

one thing I have noticed in your last few posts is the fact that you are analyzing everything - which is normal. but it is something that my IC told me I was doing to much of and that over analyzing every move he makes is causing me anxiety - which is very true!

Somethings you just have to let nature take its course, do what feels right at the time. You have been equiped with enough MLC information that you are not going to distroy any progress that you have made. Sometimes doing what comes natural is the best thing for both of you.

Does that make sense? I know that both you and I are constantly wondering - what do I say, what do I do, am I doing what is best for me? for my D? And really...WHO THE HELL KNOWS?!!!!! Sometimes I feel like all I do is question myself and my actions. Sometimes I feel strong and confident that I am on the right path, and then suddenly I am filled with self doubt.

I know that is why we detach, but when they initiate - how do we know what to do? All of this constant analyzing is driving me nuts.

[ericmsant2]

TAMF / Alb

Very good point TAMF.

I find that we the LBS always struggle with thinking about what "we" do and how that may impact the MLCer.

The reality is that we should all (LBS's) be focused on OUR lives. On living the lives that we want. IF the MLCer cares to join us...well that's great. Cause in the end it is OUR choice.

Make this about YOU Alb. I agree with TAMF, stop trying to figure out if you do this or that how will your H deal with it and really just be YOU....

The new Alb...

Be true to you Alb - f*ck what I or anyone else tells you to do. Really this is your life.

Now get back to steppin or pole dancing

God Bless,
Eric

[TAMF]

E - you crack me up! Don't knock that pole dancing class she is taking...she told me how incredibly hard it is! Makes me have a new found respect for strippers...sorry Al...EXOTIC DANCERS

[ericmsant2]

Don't knock that pole dancing class she is taking

FTR - I was not knocking pole dancing - I can fully relate to how difficult pole dancing might be. I offered to have a pole installed in my house BUT Grit didn't think it was a good idea. Oh no...did i just say that

Eric

[PEI]

E - you crack me up! Don't knock that pole dancing class she is taking...she told me how incredibly hard it is! Makes me have a new found respect for strippers...sorry Al...EXOTIC DANCERS

You should try it TAMF ... it's friggin hard work! I took a class about a year ago and couldn't believe how much exercise it really was ... and fun too!

pssst ... have you been ignoring me?

PEI