Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[TimeHeals]

Here's my thinking on that exchange: you sent the message that her moving out is a bigger problem (you'll take her kids) than her affair. The message on the affair was weak, but you were strong on the kids stuff. I get it. Your kids are important to you. Good. It could have been dealt with better.

If there are basic boundaries being violated, it's almost always better to deal with those behaviors if they are still happening (and calmly) when you are contronted by her.

[HopelessInLove]

Yes, yes. I know that I messed up by telling W about that little legal issue. In my thoughts of DB'ing, she speaks of not trusting me. There are many levels of trust and what may help my sitch more than another. The kids IMO should not be leveraged. I threw that bone her way. L also went into detail how W is at huge financial risk, I chose not to tell her that, which is my Ace in the hole. I need to stall her from going to L. Thus, I put very little pressure on A. Again which she is denying. Surprise, Surprise!

The conversation I heard through intel was that OM could be losing intereest in W. Is the A not going to last? If I say to her that I will not allow an open M without having proof, which I have, but can not expose without her losing more trust for me then I am losing the ground which so far is a little more firm than it could have been from last night's exchange. I beleive that she understands I am aiming right at OM, since I have named him many times and have pointed out her failings to be honest with me about his presence in the first place and now the 2nd time. I will confront the boundry issue on OM when the time is right for the situation surrounding kids. I don't think W would have handled everything all at once well. She threatened L once before, maybe pushing that issue extremely hard could have been bad for M/R. IDK. If she was up front, she said she does not have L yet. It will take her 2 weeks for her to get into see one. By then kids custody should be a moot point.

TH, you may be exactly right, could have dealt with it better. I can only learn from this. I am always open for discussion to help me speak more effectively and with W.

Great input!

[sandi2]

If you do much reading on other threads, you'll find that the WS uses the "trust" card quiet often. Only they turn the rules around and make you appear to be the one who can't be trusted, instead of them who had the A. Why do the LBS fall into that trap?

but can not expose without her losing more trust for me

Huh??? Why do you have to prove you are worthy of trust? I thought she was the one who BROKE the trust in the M!

I'll tell you why you talked too much....b/c you won't stop believing the old W won't show back up. She is not the girl you M and you have got to accept that or she will clean you out! Start watching your mouth and start protecting yourself financially.

I will confront the boundry issue on OM when the time is right for the situation surrounding kids.

What does that mean? That you will wait until he wants to be their daddy?

I don't think W would have handled everything all at once well.

So?????

She threatened L once before, maybe pushing that issue extremely hard could have been bad for M/R. IDK. If she was up front, she said she does not have L yet.

Listen, stop expecting her to be upfront as long as she has a lover. My advice is to stop telling her everything and make her WONDER what you're up to.

[HopelessInLove]

So should I have her listen to the recording? Please explain. I need to wrap my brain around it. How should I confront? I am not looking to expose. I know that I have been told to do that in the past. What though can I do?

[gutwrenching]

I have not read up on your entire sitch. You don't want to expose, ok, I understand that. But tell us, have you "exposed" to your W that you know about the A? If not, is there a reason why not?

[HopelessInLove]

I told her that I knew of her talking to the other man and emailing questionable material. I told her to stop those exchanges. Which she claims she did. This was back in June. She said she feels like I am watch her every move.
Last night, I told her that I know that she has started back up with the OM in talking, since August. She admitted to that, but without telling her that I have recordings of her and the way she was talking to OM, I could not get her to admit anything else. So confrontation about what I heard, no. Does having her listen to tapes make sense?

[gutwrenching]

Ok - I'm with you now. What good what her listening to tapes do? She knows what she said and of course she is going to lie about it or only tell partial truths. At a minimum, you need some healthy boundaries. I know you've read it here a bunch of times. I am not going to live in an open marriage. I will not facilitate you having an A and neglecting our family. When she denies it or minimizes it, I would have one quote from that tape ready to say back to her to make sure she knows the secret is done and make her wonder how much you know. I'd preface it with something along the lines of Stop. Stop the lies. At a minimum as your H, I think I deserve the truth.

[HopelessInLove]

Would that then push my M to the point of the ultimatum? I know that W has one foot out the door.

[gutwrenching]

There is no way to predict that. But you can't live in fear. I've been there, done that as have a lot of people here. Time to increase your self respect, let go of the fear.

Also...is what you have been doing working?

If not, MWD will tell you to do something different...

Think about that

[Truegritter]

I could not get her to admit anything else. So confrontation about what I heard, no. Does having her listen to tapes make sense?

She will deny this is going on even if you catch her in the act.

She will deflect the blame.

She will blame you.

She will blame anyone but herself.

She will tell you how great OM is and how sh!tty you are.

HIL do you think she is having an inappropriate relationship with this guy?

Yes?

Good enough for me. Don't argue with her. Don't listen to any of the lies that follow.

What do you want to happen now?

How is your detaching going trying to figure out how to convince her she is having an affair?