The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
I've decided that this board no longer helps me very much. In fact, it ties me back to the past for now. I'll take longer breaks to focus more on me.
The way forward is clear. Julie/a picked a fight with me the other day. During that fight (this was via text; we really don't have a reason to talk) several things occurred to me:
1) When the mc told me it was 90/10 it wasn't about blame. It was about what I was going to do to try and save my marriage. Because it wasn't much about me, I could try my a** off and it wouldn't do anything other than almost kill me and put me dangerously close to being a doormat. It did both, but I realize I had to do it. For me.
2) The story. That one puzzled me for a long time. I couldn't figure out why she was "writing and rewriting" stories for so many attempts. I do now. It occured to me that this is a natural human behavior and need. We need a story, don't we? If I learned one thing from this board it is that exact thing. We need a story to help us cope. I fought that and it caused a lot of pain. But it also allowed me to see me for who I am. Good thing I like me just the way I am
3) Blame. See above, but I realize now that blame really doesn't matter. That moment came to me while she was trying to argue with me. She told me that she lied 19 years ago (our marriage) but that I know the reason she left. The truth is I do not. I only know what she told me and what I've seen. I know what I am responsible for and what I am not.
4) I realize I am not "done" as much as I had hoped I would be. What I am is beyond the point of no return but that I am far from "done" loving her. I suspect that will take much longer than I'd like. I will not be somebody's option nor their second choice. Or fifth or whatever, right? (humor; nothing more than humor there).
5) I am no longer "in love" with her. I do know that as well. I am repulsed when I do have to see her. But even that doesn't have the same visceral feeling it once had for me. I notice her much more as a person on the street.
6) I do still have ocassional thoughts or feelings about her. But they are much more infrequent and I am much more at peace. I truly am much happier without her. I really fought that step and allowing myself to let go. Not yet sure what my fear was. Maybe failure? I do realize I am not a failure. I have no regrets for the way I did things nor do I consider myself a failure.
7) Re-remembering the past and compassion. I won't allow myself to do that. My marriage was a good one. I picked the right person. That person didn't really change. That person is struggling with her decisions. I can still see that in her face and in the way she interacts with me and the kids. I know it is not easy for her and I feel compassion for that. Not much, because I know it is her own growth path. One she chose. One she decided (unilaterally) was best for "us". But I realize that my marriage was like a vacation: I got stuck in the airport and my bags got lost on the way home. But it was still a great vacation
8) Nobody should be treated the way I allowed myself to be treated. But I would do it all again. I would not change anything.
9) I can't say why, but I think some of this is me digging in my heels and not wanting to be told what to do. Control. She wants me to file for the divorce. She wants me to let her go. She wants me to move on. Etc. Part of my refusal is that I don't want to be told what to do when it wasn't my choice. I'm independent like that and I don't think it's right for somebody to tell another person to do that. Just as it is not right for me to tell her to come home, right? It's not. Give it freely or go away, but don't stay in the middle as far as I'm concerned. Now that I realize that more clearly, I can say that I will file for the divorce. Why? Because it really doesn't matter who files. The result is the same when all is said and done. And because I do not need to continue to be married to somebody that acts like that towards me. For all I know she is hte nicest and most giving person to everyone else except me. I choose to believe that is the case, but really don't know. Doesn't matter. What matters is that she is not around me. She is still incredibly angry towards me. No matter what I do or say. I realize, looking back it never was about me. It's anger and selfishness for reasons I'll never know. I am ok with that now.

To those that offered advice - thank you. For those that are still struggling - keep it up. I believe in marriage. I believe I married the right person. I believe the struggle was worth it. I hope that she finds the happiness and peace she seems to be looking for sooner than she expects to find it. I deeply love her still, but not same as it was before. I care, but I don't care to be abused another moment of my life. Not by her. Not by myself.

I let go a few weeks ago, and let it all wash over me.

This is my final time on this board for a very long time. I need that distance from the past for a while.

Good luck to all of you out there. My the future bring you peace and contentment.

Al (AJM)