He's going to say it's a invasion of privacy, it's not. Privacy is when you close the bathroom door, this is about keeping secrets. Secrets aren't part of a healthy relationship. Make sense now?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Secrets can become a cancer in a marriage. The affair was born and thrived in secrecy.
Somebody who has nothing to hide will not object to sharing email/phone passwords, etc. Transparency means being open so that the betrayed spouse can rebuild trust. A transparency plan is something you establish in the hopes of rebuilding that trust: access to email, facebook, phone accounts. Not tollerting hiding where they go and what they do.
If you are taking a spouse back, what is your transparency plan? If you don't have one, there's a good chance you really will turn into an interrogating cop, always asking questions. It's much easier to have access to accounts and such and have them tell you--honestly--about what they did in a given day without having to pry it out of them.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Hmm. This was a problem for me early on in our marriage - where I snooped and had no business doing so. He was doing nothing wrong in the past. The work I have to do is to show him I am capable of not snooping and that I actually can trust him. He will not agree to letting me have access to his accounts at this point - he isn't even sure he wants to work on our marriage.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
he isn't even sure he wants to work on our marriage.
then open the cage door and let him out. no pressure, no drama. give him what he wants.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The door is wide open. He now knows he can leave and I won't stop him - yet he is still here. I've decided to continue to work on myself and the things I need to change in order to become a better person. I've decided to no longer seek out "intel", ask him questions, etc. I have been pleasant with him but have not sought out any physical contact beyond a pat on the back. I'm not sure how else to be around him - any pointers would be great.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Treat him like an acquaintance. You are friendly, nice, cordial but indifferent to anything he does. You don't go out of your way to strike up a conversation but don't run away from opportunities to talk. And create some mystery...
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
The problem here is that you are not willing to enforce your boundaries. It's all well and good to say you won't live in an open marriage, but when you caught him breaking that boundary you didn't enforce it. So now he knows all he has to do is say he's sorry and be more careful when he texts/calls/meets OW.
I recommend setting an internal deadline for how long you're going to live in limbo like this. Do NOT tell H about this deadline because he will continue his cake eating up to that day then beg you to give him yet another chance. When the deadline arrives then you can decide what to do next.
In the meantime, follow gutwrenching's advice. Do not ignore H, just don't be interested in what he's doing. Focus on GAL activites, change up your routine. Spruce yourself up with a new hairstyle, new clothes, new perfume, etc. Set up a schedule for watching the kids and then go out at night when you're all dolled up. Make some new friends. Say yes to any invitation you receive.
Originally Posted By: Coach
then open the cage door and let him out. no pressure, no drama. give him what he wants.
This is the key.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate the input.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
