Now Separated

[AntoniaB]

God this sounds exactly like my H in that while my H didn't say he would end the affair, he said "even if I wasn't with her it wouldn't make any difference, our rel. has run its course; this affair has nothing to do with it." Except it has EVERYTHING to do with it. He admitted that he only started to look elsewhere right after we had the first major fight ever after we had reconciled from the first separation. He also admitted to friends first, then to me when I questioned him, that he "needed her to cling to in order to be able to leave" because he knew that leaving was irrational and that there was no "reason" to end the marriage. In fact, he said to me that he knew full well that he could have "a perfectly good marriage the rest of his life if he stayed with me, a better marriage than most people have, but that he wanted something different and wanted to see if that someONE different would take his life into a different path for the second half."

And, he also said that she and I were very much alike, except that the one or two faults that I had that bothered him, she lacked them, so in his mind she was "a better fit" for him than I was.

I'm only telling you all this so you see how insane these spouses are in their wacky rationalizations for infidelity. THERE ARE NO RATIONALIZATIONS. It is never our fault. It is their weakness. Their mistake. I mean I went through hell with him last year before and after the first time he walked out "to find himself." Did I take up with someone else? NO WAY. And you haven't either despite what you're going through.

I think it all goes back to MLC, because these spouses just lose it, and they are not able to handle it so they try every escape route possible to avoid looking within for answers. Mine tried moving out, but in 2 months he was dating me again. Sex was the thing that brought him close to me again. Then after a few months, he decides to set up a person to sleep with so he can leave again. He will not face being alone yet I have. My being alone has made me grow. He is stuck. And to this day, he admits that he has tried desperately through his meanness or anger or rude comments or ignoring me to try to get me to hate him. Why? Because he says, "if you hate me, Antonia, you will find it easier to detach from me, and if you detach then I can move on with my life with her. You won't be in my head anymore."

What he's really saying is this: "If Antonia hates me, it makes it easier for me to rationalize leaving a perfectly decent, salvagable marriage with her for another woman. It shows me that I made the right decision, because OW doesnt' hate me. Antonia does. I can't be with Antonia if she hates me. I HAVE to be with the OW. And this will make it much easier for ME to move on."

I read this book called Loving What is, and it sort of teaches that often what we say is the opposite. That someone in strife or trouble projects, and that what they say directed at us is a reflection of themselves.

When I asked him if the second part above was what he REALLY meant, he agreed. HE AGREED.

Yet even though he agreed, he still couldn't see that what he was saying was insanity. That it still showed a childishness or a lack of empathy or a HUGE amount of rationalization for his act and blame laid at my feet for everything.

So see even though my H has probably now admitted more than yours has, and yours might in time, he is STILL not rational, and until he ever becomes rational, there is no point to my dealing with him.

I think in your case you almost need to take what you're learning and teach your kids the same coping skills because while they may desperately want him back too, he isnt' in a place where he can meet any of you halfway even, and he is likely paying lip service to any ideas of working things out.

There is a part of me that thinks that they almost need to be done with the OW and living alone for some time before any of us can even consider any reconciliation.