I was the WAW in an EA. When my H confronted me, he exposed me to my mother which made me despise him as a man. At the time, I felt it was a cheap shot and was not very manly of him. So, I told him that if he ever told our children that I would hate him until the day I died and our M would be over. If he had exposed me to everyone, I would have left town!
My children did find out, and I have not been the same since. They will never see me nor think of me as the mother they once had. I know, some say that is my consequence to pay, and it is. But please be careful about being the one who tears their mother apart. It's kind of like being the doctor who has to tell you that you have a fatal disease. It could affect a lot of people's lives. I'm not saying to protect her secret A. I'm not saying to lie to your children. If they ask you what is going on, you can tell them to ask their mother if she wants to explain.
As for telling your W's family, I say no. Again, I'm not suggesting you cover up or lie. For now, see how this plays out and don't be pushed into exposing something before it can be stopped,forgiven, and healed.
I think Michele is trying to get the board away from this exposure technique b/c it does not comply with her methods. If we don't agree then we need to go to other board discussions where they do agree upon that technique. I gave one person the exposure advice b/c it seemed the very last thing for him to do. He left the board without telling us what happened and it made me feel very uncomfortable about it.
If the M is going to fail due to an A and the WS is not willing to work with you, and is wanting a D, then there are cases where I say bust the A if the D cannot be busted. However, as Michele pointed out....this is not always for the good of everyone. What if after time down the road, the couple wants to get back together but there are all these family problems b/c they were exposed to what went on? Maybe the couple is ready to heal and work but, not the family members.Then the one who was exposed has issues with the one who did the expossing.
The ones who pushed exposure the hardest was banned from the board. There are many still here who believe in that technique. As I said, in some cases....and when the time is right....I do too. But, I try not to push it immediately upon newcomers. It is a serious thing.
Anway, I still remember how I felt about my children finding out. I always felt M problems was between a man & his W. So, you need to weigh that case very carefully b/c it could backfire.
I would like to read what Michele says to do when the WS is not willing to commit to the M b/c from what I've read....it is with the willingness of the S. If anyone has seen it, I'd appreciate being pointed in that direction.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
