I am here. Havent been posting much. Life has been too intense lately. Watching my dad drifting away daily has been really really difficult for me. So many things cross my mind, emotions come and go, acceptance, anger, loneliness, love, tenderness...
A big, tall, man has turned to an old little "kid". I can feel his feelings. I know when he is sacred, tired, grateful, upset. I kept my distances the last few weeks but the last days, it is so obvious he is leaving us, I couldnt do that anymore. I touch him and caress him, telling him I love him, not to be scared etc etc. There is one phrase I want to tell him, that he was the best dad I could have wished for, but I am afraid it will sound too much like a good bye and dont want to make him feel even worse.
My H has been home. The first weekdays since...2005 he has been with us in teh afternoons. He cooks, shops, does homework with the kids and continues to deny the facts. The fact that my dad is dying, the fact that we cant do anything, the fact that our relationship is changed forever. He suggests things, tries to support me.
Through this phase, somedays I want him close to me and others... I just want him out of my life.
I compare us to my parents, their 46 year long marriage, all what they have accomplished, the stability me and my brother had while we were growing up, the family we always felt was so strong... I get mad at him.
I wont say we are doing great although I could granted that we have no fights, H has been tender, he plans fo rthe future constantly, asks for my kisses etc etc. I believe 95% of the persons in piecing would. But I am not normal I am afraid. K
Ohh, and I had gained 2 kilos. Back to +1 kilo now but my eating habbits have been crazy lately.
