I'm not saying never tell them. I'm just saying they are away and alone. Telling them now will hurt their studies. College is hard, being away is hard. There is no right or wrong I suppose...
Starsky~ I would never lie either, but you can say a lot without lying.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I was the WAW in an EA. When my H confronted me, he exposed me to my mother which made me despise him as a man. At the time, I felt it was a cheap shot and was not very manly of him. So, I told him that if he ever told our children that I would hate him until the day I died and our M would be over. If he had exposed me to everyone, I would have left town!
My children did find out, and I have not been the same since. They will never see me nor think of me as the mother they once had. I know, some say that is my consequence to pay, and it is. But please be careful about being the one who tears their mother apart. It's kind of like being the doctor who has to tell you that you have a fatal disease. It could affect a lot of people's lives. I'm not saying to protect her secret A. I'm not saying to lie to your children. If they ask you what is going on, you can tell them to ask their mother if she wants to explain.
As for telling your W's family, I say no. Again, I'm not suggesting you cover up or lie. For now, see how this plays out and don't be pushed into exposing something before it can be stopped,forgiven, and healed.
I think Michele is trying to get the board away from this exposure technique b/c it does not comply with her methods. If we don't agree then we need to go to other board discussions where they do agree upon that technique. I gave one person the exposure advice b/c it seemed the very last thing for him to do. He left the board without telling us what happened and it made me feel very uncomfortable about it.
If the M is going to fail due to an A and the WS is not willing to work with you, and is wanting a D, then there are cases where I say bust the A if the D cannot be busted. However, as Michele pointed out....this is not always for the good of everyone. What if after time down the road, the couple wants to get back together but there are all these family problems b/c they were exposed to what went on? Maybe the couple is ready to heal and work but, not the family members.Then the one who was exposed has issues with the one who did the expossing.
The ones who pushed exposure the hardest was banned from the board. There are many still here who believe in that technique. As I said, in some cases....and when the time is right....I do too. But, I try not to push it immediately upon newcomers. It is a serious thing.
Anway, I still remember how I felt about my children finding out. I always felt M problems was between a man & his W. So, you need to weigh that case very carefully b/c it could backfire.
I would like to read what Michele says to do when the WS is not willing to commit to the M b/c from what I've read....it is with the willingness of the S. If anyone has seen it, I'd appreciate being pointed in that direction.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm not saying never tell them. I'm just saying they are away and alone. Telling them now will hurt their studies. College is hard, being away is hard. There is no right or wrong I suppose...
Starsky~ I would never lie either, but you can say a lot without lying.
Sandi2, This is the kind of feedback that I needed... To me it is better to see a hands on what works out in the field report - rather than a by the book answer... Thanks...
[quote=sandi2]I was the WAW in an EA. When my H confronted me, he exposed me to my mother which made me despise him as a man. At the time, I felt it was a cheap shot and was not very manly of him. So, I told him that if he ever told our children that I would hate him until the day I died and our M would be over. If he had exposed me to everyone, I would have left town!
My children did find out, and I have not been the same since. They will never see me nor think of me as the mother they once had. I know, some say that is my consequence to pay, and it is. But please be careful about being the one who tears their mother apart. It's kind of like being the doctor who has to tell you that you have a fatal disease. It could affect a lot of people's lives. I'm not saying to protect her secret A. I'm not saying to lie to your children. If they ask you what is going on, you can tell them to ask their mother if she wants to explain.
As for telling your W's family, I say no. Again, I'm not suggesting you cover up or lie. For now, see how this plays out and don't be pushed into exposing something before it can be stopped,forgiven, and healed.
I think Michele is trying to get the board away from this exposure technique b/c it does not comply with her methods. If we don't agree then we need to go to other board discussions where they do agree upon that technique. I gave one person the exposure advice b/c it seemed the very last thing for him to do. He left the board without telling us what happened and it made me feel very uncomfortable about it.
If the M is going to fail due to an A and the WS is not willing to work with you, and is wanting a D, then there are cases where I say bust the A if the D cannot be busted. However, as Michele pointed out....this is not always for the good of everyone. What if after time down the road, the couple wants to get back together but there are all these family problems b/c they were exposed to what went on? Maybe the couple is ready to heal and work but, not the family members.Then the one who was exposed has issues with the one who did the expossing.
The ones who pushed exposure the hardest was banned from the board. There are many still here who believe in that technique. As I said, in some cases....and when the time is right....I do too. But, I try not to push it immediately upon newcomers. It is a serious thing.
Anway, I still remember how I felt about my children finding out. I always felt M problems was between a man & his W. So, you need to weigh that case very carefully b/c it could backfire.
Sandi2, Again this is the info I needed. I prefer to hear real life this happened to me reports. I agree that cart blanche exposure could ruin the chances for reconciliation. I was on marriage builders and they were all saying take out an ad in the local newspaper expose it to everyone, etc... I do not sign on with that method of doing business...so I have laid back in the be cool, act cool, be in control mindset. I agree with your post above that "if the D is unavoidable, and your wife will not agree to rebuild your marriage...you could possibly reveal this info of the A at that point. I believe every case is different, so all factors must be weighed in. I know our circle of friends would be shocked because we live in a conservative small town area. This is a great thread, and good food for thought. I need to ponder all this info. Thanks.
Starsky~ I would never lie either, but you can say a lot without lying.
You're all splitting hairs. You can't say "Don't expose," and also "But don't lie if asked." That turns into a silly game of "Hey, if you ask me the right question, I'll tell you the truth!"
Deceit isn't the kind of foundation on which to build a family. My wife and I teach our kids that no matter what happens in our family, we will ALWAYS tell each other the truth.
And as for the OP's spouse, why should they be the only one of the four to NOT know the truth?
That's pretty disturbing news I keep hearing about people getting BANNED from this forum for speaking the truth. Maybe I signed up for the wrong forum.
Starsky, I agree with everything that has been said in this thread...
I think there is never and all or nothing answer... Each person has to weigh all the choices and put them into the context of his/her marriage, and only that person knows the thoughts of their own spouse, and whether the exposure would help/hurt their chance of rebuilding their marriage. I am taking the position right now to keep the A quiet because I know it would hurt my chance of rebuilding my marriage because my wife and I are now talking, and doing little things together, and taking some baby steps in a positive direction. I hope this helps...thanks.
This is a little of the story. I have been gone for two years and only getting home mainly on the weekend. My wife moved out a week ago, and this was a red flag on the field. I asked her several times if she was having an EA or PA with some guy, and her standard answer was no,no,no,no,no. . . .
My problem is that I am struggling with not telling the OM wife about the affair. The OM is married and has two children.
OK, I went back and re-read your first post here, and I'm confused. IS your wife seeing some other guy, or ISN'T she?
You say above that you suspect it, she denied it, but then you want to expose it.
If you're NOT sure about this (don't have proof), then there's your answer about your adult kids -- don't expose them to something you're not even sure of!
Deceit isn't the kind of foundation on which to build a family
.
Now wait just one minute. I don't recall anyone saying to be deceitful. But there is a time and a place for everything....even the Bible teaches that. We all have to have a little wisdom when we tell some "truths" to our families, don't you think? Would you want your children to know you masterbated while looking at porn? Well, hey....the truth's the truth, right? If they or anyone asks.....you'd tell them, right? Why not tell everyone everything that was ever private? As long as it's the truth!
Quote:
That's pretty disturbing news I keep hearing about people getting BANNED from this forum for speaking the truth. Maybe I signed up for the wrong forum.
Well, here's the thing....Michele doesn't teach exposure....Marriage Builders do. She allowed things to go for a very long time before she put a stop to it and then I think it might have been their choice, but I don't know.
She gives us a right to our opinion but she doesn't want us cramming it down another's throat, expecially when it is contrary to what she teaches. I may or may not agree with everything, but if we are going to stay around on her board then I think we need to respect her wishes. Right now, her wishes are that we stop pushing exposure.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I never even HEARD the word "exposure" until I started posting here. That is your all's term, not mine. I think I posted about telling the truth to your adult children, and the OP's spouse, and not lying to cover up their adultry.
She admitted to the affair...said it was over...I do not know if it really is... I spend more time here on DB now because over on MB they rant and rave about exposing everybody... I am trying to save our marriage, and I believe that it is in our best interest to keep this between husband and wife... I will only tell our children that we are seperated and seeing a MC to work on our marriage... Our children will see this when they drive up to the house a week before T-Day, so I need to tell them by the 1st week of November... I do value everyones opinions, and I hope folks can learn to appreciate small differences on here... We need this forum to exchange ideas on what works and what does not work... Please continue all the great work you all do here... It is appreciated...
