Trying to grow a backbone!

[BeginningAgain]

Hey Mrs. A.

I think him taking a 90 minute private conversation outside ANYWHERE (and yes, having lived in Michigan for several years - I know how cool October evenings can be as well!) is suspect especially if he was not forthright with what it was all about. The spouse who has cheated in the relationship needs to maintain a 100% level of transparency afterwards in order to be able to build any level of trust back.

I hope you enjoyed the Amazing Race. I have it taped on DVR to watch tonight!

BA

[soleil]

Then he took a 90 minute phone call from his friend. He went outside and had the whole conversation there.

My instincts told me something wasn't right, and it was just a few days later that I learned about his ongoing womanizing.

Ugh. An hour and a half? Gosh, not even trying to be discreet about it? I hope you are well Mrs. A and your week kicks ass.

[Mrs. A]

Thanks, you guys. I hope you have good weeks too. Mine is off to a slow start, as I decided to take the morning off work! Gotta go now, though - responsibilities beckon!

[Mrs. A]

Had a good session with my IC tonight - told him that I'm back in that uncomfortable place that's become all too familiar over the past year and a half - depression. For me, it involves strong physical symptoms and they're always the same. I know it'll pass because it's happened before, but it feels pretty awful in the midst.

He said four things that I want to post:

1) I asked if I should be on ADs. I've not taken them before. He said no, not now. We'll wait 5 weeks, then we'll weigh 3 factors: intensity, frequency, and duration of my "depressive episodes." If they haven't lightened by then, we'll consider medication. That was good. I've never asked for meds before and I don't really want to start on them, so I was glad he said no. But I did want to ask the question because this is getting to feel sooooo old.

2) We talked about "acceptance" - which could also be called "loving detachment." I'm fine intellectually, but emotionally I'm not too sophisticated, so this concept continues to evade me. I asked him to explain and give me some examples. I'm still chewing on what he said. Loving detachment is very hard for me because I always think I have the power to effect a certain desired outcome. Like if only I try hard enough, things will work out the way I want - and if they don't, that's because I made a mistake. Back to the drawing board!

The optimism and confidence are ok, but the crash I take when things don't work out is not so good.

3) IC said he "truly believes" - and I've never heard him use those words before because he's usually so neutral - that people have to STOP thinking of the end of a relationship as some kind of failure. He said that relationships change and that's just part of life. He said that heartbreak is hard enough to deal with, without the added layer of feeling like you've failed at something.

4) He said that now is not the time to ask life's big questions. Being filtered through the lens of depression, the answers I come up with are bound to be slanted to the negative side. Instead, I should just try a variety of things to get myself out of this funk.

My homework this week is to experiment with different things that might make me feel better. I'm supposed to see what works and what doesn't and do more of what works. Sound familiar?

[Mrs. A]

I just posted on GabbysMom's thread and it helped me to realize where I come down on something important: CHEATING IS NOT OK.

Now that I've been through it, I guess I've become a real hard ass on that point.

NOT OK!!!!!!!!!

[ClingingToHope]

Loving detachment is very hard for me because I always think I have the power to effect a certain desired outcome.

Yes. I haven't figured this one out yet either. I glimpsed it last week when I had a moment where I almost felt sorry for STBXW ... I almost wished she were doing better ... then a lot of other memories came crashing in and I was back to anger.

That's a tough one.

[Mrs. A]

CTH, loving detachment is SOOOO WEIRD!!!!! In my mind, I say, well, I'll just change the way I think or act about certain things and then everything will fall into place. I mean, I've read that in like a million self-help books.

My IC has been relentless in his efforts to change my thinking on this. He draws me diagrams every other week about the intersection of influence and responsibility - and BTW, I have NONE of EITHER with Mr. A! But it's only now just starting to sink in. I can be a slow learner, for sure.

[ClingingToHope]

The self-help books and counseling sessions have been good for me. So have the divorce support groups and church growth groups.

But I think all they really do is help you pass the time and as the days tick by you reach acceptance.

Again, you started your clock over.

[Mrs. A]

CTH, that's exactly what my IC said today - that I started my clock over! Whatever you're learning in those groups of yours must be sinking in!

[Mrs. A]

Hi folks,

Tomorrow is one of my four major bombaversaries:

April 2, 2009 - Mr. A walked out the door
October 21, 2009 - Mr. A changed his story from needing time to wanting a D
July 28, 2010 - D final
October 6, 2010 - gave up

Aargh. I cried at work today. Also had a major headache.

I am pissed when I think about everything.