In need of some major support right now. H was at the house this afternoon b/c he picked up DS8 from school. He started bawling his eyes out and said he doesn't know who he is and that he needs to find himself. He told me for sure now that he came back 4 years ago and shouldn't have, that he told himself if he thought positive, and spoke positive (in other words, lie to me this whole time) it would all work out and he would be happy, we would be happy. He is not happy (which I already know)and that he believes that all these years together (12) he tried to be a man that he is not capable of being and thus the reason for his depression. That he tried to be what I wanted and lost himself in the process. He said we need to sit down and talk about the divorce, etc... That he isn't blaming me, but yet he is still indirectly blaming me. He said he feels nothing for me other than he loving me as the mother of his children. He said I'm 41 years old and I have NOTHING. I don't even know how to be a good dad.
I've been in tears most of the night tonight.
This whole thing sounds soooo familiar to me it's freaky. Sweetie, you need to focus on detaching, which you already know. It might help to go back and read some of my earlier stuff ... it hurts like hell, but unfortunately everyone on here has been here, or in a very similar place. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone.
If you haven't called a suicide prevention line, I would. Ask them if there are any questions you should be asking him directly when he seems to be that low. My sister has some crisis counselling training and they've been taught that people who are serious actually plan and have ways and means, and they won't lie or hide it when asked direct questions. For your own peace of mind you might want to know if there are true signals or if it's likely he's crying wolf. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS none of it is your fault. His MLC, his depression, his leaving or staying, his potential to hurt himself ... none of it has anything to do with you.
(((Jennifer))) PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
