Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

Another update.

Mentioned in my last post that H had planned to send me an audio recording. He recorded himself and his thoughts while he was driving to a nearby town. It was very interesting listening.

It was basically a long dissertation on what he thought the problems in our M were, how he saw I had changed dramatically since the bomb, and how he wanted to make similar changes. He listed what he felt were his biggest issues. He admits he's not sure exactly how to tackle changing them, but he hopes that his IC will help (his first appt is on Monday). He said some very interesting things from an "understanding the MLC mind" perspective. The most interesting thing was that he said he noticed over time that our interactions were getting better and better. He said that I was becoming increasingly pleasant to be around. And as a result, he actually found reasons NOT to come by the house because it directly conflicted with the reasons why he was supposed to be leaving! I found that a perfect description of the MLC mind. "I'm liking you more and more therefore I don't want to be around you because you're supposed to suck!" LOL!
Anyhow, he said that the last few months, he's really started to see some major changes and that really got him questioning everything. Once again, he mentioned how NOTHING in his life has improved since he left. And in fact, he's taken several steps back. He said moving out was supposed to help things but it just ramped up his frustration. He went from having a home to having an empty apartment with no pans, plates, furniture etc. He went from working a lot, to working ALL THE TIME. He said that he saw how D was gradually drifting away from him and having her spend the night at his place made him realize just how much sharing custody would suck. (At the time, I didn't see ANY of these thoughts coming from him. He seemed oblivious and content to me).

He then went on to talk about the future and what he wants from the future. All of his talk included the words "we" and "our". It was "our" home and "our" bed and "we" need to get new towels etc. It was talk about initiating date nights so that we don't lose sight of one another again. He asked what my thoughts were on a timeline. He said he knew he still had stuff to deal with (I'm assuming he meant OW issue), but that he was thinking of the future. He said that for the first time in forever, he feels hopeful. He said that he is conflicted in a way because he is so impressed with the changes I've made and knows that in a way, none of them would have happened without him leaving. He said that what makes him happiest is that he can see that the changes that I made were made for ME. They weren't made for HIM and that makes them real. It's not as if I'm changing my actions to fulfill his needs. The changes are from within and to borrow a phrase from the commander in chief "That's change he can believe in". He stated he knows he still needs a lot of work but is looking forward to working on himself.

I sent an email response whereby I agreed that he had hit the nail on the head with the issues he needs to tackle. I also mentioned one minor one. I told him that I didn't feel like we needed a timeline. It'll take as long as it takes and I didn't want to rush anything. But I also told him that I didn't feel like anything thus far had been rushed. I told him that I didn't feel like he needed to be "fixed" before coming home but that I needed to see some forward progress in motion and that his starting at the IC was a very good first step. Many of the actions he's also taken (like taking part in our family WAY more than he has before) is also a good step. I said that financially, it would certainly help if he came home and that perhaps staying in the extra room as a transition (when we felt the time was right) would be a good step. I also mentioned that I would prefer he undergo STD testing (and offered that I would be happy to do the same) before we do anything serious.

He didn't really respond to my email but texted me throughout the day about various things. Talking about taking trips together etc. He came over after driving home and he introduced me to chocolate shots while D was at her school's football game. But even before the alcohol hit my system, we were like two teenagers. We seem to have an inability to keep our hands off each other anymore. He respected my boundaries but it has been difficult.

I continue to be a little shocked and pleasantly frightened(?) at the speed of this change. In retrospect, I think he had probably started some of his reconnecting a few months back. It was clear he was envious of some of D and my activities and he'd ask little questions every so often. He has always been in fairly regular contact with me but if I think about it, I do think it was progressively increasing. It got so bad that I finally stopped turning on my IM because I felt like it could be turning into some sort of cake eating. I felt like he didn't deserve to have access to me as often as he was wanting given the situation. I was so content with myself and the life I was leading that I don't think I was even really looking for signs like that. I still felt like it would be a year before I'd have any hope of anything. I was waiting for him to schedule his NEXT trip to the midwest or even plan to move there. Amazing how things can change so quickly. It wasn't even a month ago that I spent the worst anniversary of my life wondering where I might be in a year (legally separated, divorced?). I would NEVER have suspected I'd be where I am today.

I still don't know what the future holds but nothing that H has done has yet made me doubt what he's said. It's only been a few days since he said he plans to leave OW so that will be the biggest thing I'll monitor. He said he spent the entire drive home yesterday telling him mom how amazing I was and how much change he's seen in me. I haven't said anything to my parents yet. They love my H and I know they'd be thrilled to hear good news. I'm just not comfortable yet talking to them. Maybe once OW is out of the picture, I may go there. Until then, I'm still slightly wary but admittedly very hopeful.

[ShantillyLace]

Al,
It sounds great what is happening. So scary at the same time.
H told me a couple of months ago that he wants to come home he just doesn't know when.
Due to pressure from inside and out I gave an ultimatum and learnt the hard way that I can't follow through with it. We did talk and he said he's not truly happy with OW but more importantly he's not unhappy with her. It wasn't what he expected. He said most importantly that he has no pressure there.
So no more ultimatums and no pressure.
He says he wants to come home and actions also dictate this to a degree BUT he needs to do this at his own pace.

You did the right thing by stopping the timeline. The timeline is pressure and is the one thing that can send them running because although they may feel it really really feel it, the timeline can cause panic.

[Albuquerque]

Thanks Shantilly. Patience and time is what the MLCer needs and it sounds like you're on the right track now. Onwards and upwards.

As for me, it's been another interesting day. H called at noon and found a reason to come over. We had planned to make D a tira misu dessert this evening. He said since he was at the bank, he'd pick up some groceries and drop by the house. Once at the house, he was cheery and happy. Still quite flirty with me but since D was at home, there wasn't any heavy petting. I don't know that D knows anything other than perhaps her seeing us make out after our sushi dinner on Monday. Like my parents, I'd rather not tell her anything officially. Just let things happen. We had a pleasant lunch together and D and me had to go to a rehearsal for a play we're doing (part of our GAL). H said he'd come back over when we were done.

While at rehearsal, H texts me to tell me he was wasn't feeling well and may need to bail on the evening. He meant he wasn't feeling well psychologically so he was probably having anxiety issues. I told him that was fine and to take the time he needed. He said he felt bad about letting D down but I told him she'd understand and to take care of himself. Once home, I texted him to let him know we were home. He told me he was definitely "broken" and couldn't make it. I told him no worries. Turns out D needed to read a few books for school and left it to the last minute.

Anyhow, after that, I logged onto my computer and onto FB. I've been regularly checking whether H is still FB friends with OW. Much to my surprise, I couldn't even pull up his page. I checked a recent post of mine and saw that his comments were no longer there. It appeared he had blocked me. I briefly debated whether I should ask or not. Had this been several weeks ago where he was still in his MLC fog, I wouldn't have. But since he's made so many comments about reconciliation, wanting to be together, fixing us etc, I felt that I was entitled to at least asking why he took this step. I emailed him and asked if I could ask a personal question or if he'd prefer I ask when he was feeling better. He responded that I could ask away. Here is the transcript of our email chatter

Me - I couldn't help but notice I've been blocked on FB. Just curious as to why.

Him - You are incorrect in your observations. I deactivated my account.

Me - OK. Then curious about that. But again. If you would rather me not ask, just tell me.

Him - Because I'm going to need to significantly prune my friend list. Until certain situations fully resolve themselves, and people get over hurt feelings, I don't want a barrage of crap aired in public, especially in a forum where D can see things. I could have just gone on a defriending/blocking streak, but I was already feeling squirrelly and it was easier to do two clicks and deactivate.

It's not permanent. I can reactivate the account at any time, and everything goes back to the way it was, and I can then get to the pruning.

Me - I'm really very sorry. I know this is hard on you. Take the time you need and I hope you feel better. I'm sure you know I'm always available to chat if you need (don't worry about the time).

Him - Thank you

So I don't know if this means he's dropped the proverbial bomb on the OW or if he plans to or what. Apparently he realizes it will not be pretty or maybe there was already some backlash on FB and I didn't see it happening because I was occupied all day. Either way, I knew that it would be messy and I truly do feel bad for him. I've never had hatred for the OW and know that there probably were real feelings involved there. That he realized it wasn't the right thing to do is great, but it doesn't make it any easier on anyone.

In a way, I'm kind of glad this happened. Not because it appears he's continuing to follow through on the OW promise (although I'm pleased with that). But actually, the fact that he's still showing some of his MLC issues is kind of a relief for me in a sick twisted way. Things were going SO good that it made me scared that maybe this was someone's idea of a sick twisted joke and Dick Clark and Ed McMahon would come out and tell me I'm on "Bloopers and Practical Jokes" and there's no way H would change this fast! (I'm ignoring the fact that Ed McMahon is dead..) So a touch of reality is good.

[dolphin_05]

Al, things are progressing very nicely for you. I really admire your sense of calm and patience. Wishing you continued success!

Cas

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Another interesting morning. H and I had a long phone conversation this morning. He was in quite a depressed mood. He wanted to know why, given all the growth I've experienced, I would want to stay with a broken him rather than find someone new and better and not broken. He felt like he was dragging me down. I explained that I did not feel "dragged down" by him. I planned to continue everything I've been doing. I will continue to plan fun outings for D and I. And while he's welcome to join us on anything, I have the ability (now, unlike before) to enjoy the activities without him without it bringing me down. His joining in would make it better, but his absence does not drag us down. He asked many more questions but it was clear he didn't understand why I would continue to put up with him. I told him it was a decision I made with careful consideration and that he may not understand, but it was one I was comfortable with.

He once again said he was very worried that our reconciling would cause things to go back to the way they were. While he could see my changes were real and not done FOR him, he still worried that his returning would cause me to revert. He asked several times whether I thought it could actually work. I said yes, but not without him working on his issues. He seems stuck on worrying about whether *I* will change back and doesn't seem to be concentrating on the fact that HE needs to make significant changes for this to even be a workable trial. But I know he's trying. He KNOWS that he needs to change but I can see he still doesn't have a clear view of things.

He told me that the main purpose of the IC visit tomorrow is to help him work out whether him trying to make US work is the right decision. He said he knows it will end up with HIM having to figure that out but I guess he needs a sounding board and that's fine. He asked me if I had any questions. I inquired as to the reason for the FB deactivation. I wanted to know whether it was proactive or reactive. He said it was proactive. He explained that his circle of friends from her and his own had been slowly blending to the point of becoming uncomfortable. For example, he posted a picture of my brother and ended up having OW and her friends commenting on it. So I asked where he has left things with her. His answer was disappointing but not surprising.

He said that his first few trips to the midwest were above board regarding his contract work. He said the later ones also had a real reason but that by then, their relationship had developed. He had ordered divorce paperwork from legal zoom but every time he attempted to go that route, he'd have an anxiety attack. I guess he let OW know this which kind of freaked her out. And he said that as time went on, he realized that perhaps there was a reason why he would have an anxiety attack and that perhaps he had been looking at things wrong. And then add in the visible changes I had made and he was now questioning every decision he's made in the last 10 months. I guess he told OW this on his last visit to the midwest. He said that recently, she's been having talks with him about making their relationship "long term". I didn't ask what exactly that meant but its clear it was something that she saw as serious. He said that only helped to increase his anxiety. So because of his recent talk with her and his unsureness about everything he said their relationship has been spiraling out of control. But nothing has been ended. He said she's great but I'm great too and that he knows he needs to either jump in the plane and take over the controls or put a parachute on and jump out. But that one or the other needs to happen. I guess he wanted to just jump out of the FB world while he figured things out.

So although he gave me the impression that he had made his decision regarding the OW, he clearly hasn't. I appreciate his honesty even though it's clear he's still way more conflicted than he was originally letting on. There's no doubt he's heavily leaning my direction, but I can't blame him for worrying about reverting to old routines. I told him I can't give him any assurances but I know that I'm no longer willing to settle and I knew that neither was he.

Today I have a gettogether with D and her friends planned for her birthday. H is invited but I told him that if he wasn't feeling up to it, it was OK. We'll see what happens. I can't say that this hasn't left me a little down but the fact that THIS is the type of reconciliation I was expecting makes it a little more real for me. The craziness of the complete switch seemed a little unreal because it was. There is still a lot of work to do. I cannot make the decision for H. It needs to come from him. But I also can't lose sight of the fact that my changes need to continue for ME. I shall continue my readings and continue GAL. I hope that H will choose to join us on these events but like I said, only time will tell.

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

H ended up coming with D and I on her birthday cruise. I could tell he was still stressed but he seemed to do OK. There was a little more tension between him and I because now I know he's not emotionally done with OW. But things were still nice and we held hands briefly.

Afterwards, he came to our house and helped D make tira misu. I made dinner and we ate as a family. Afterwards, he tried out his bartending skills on some new drinks (always a hobby of his) and then we watched How to Train your Dragon as a family. It was a great day and he seemed happy.

Today though has been a trying day. H went to IC this morning. He called me afterwards and we ended up talking for about 5 hours. He's very torn. He says he definitely sees the changes in me and finds them incredibly attractive. But he still worries that things will revert back to the way they were when we were together. I pointed out that he was unhappy when we were together. He blamed the relationship for a large part of it. Absent of the relationship, and in fact, even with a new relationship, he's still unhappy. He says he totally understands that and knows that he needs to do a lot of work himself. But he feels (and I agree) that he needs to make a big decision (regarding the OW) relatively quickly. Otherwise, he's stringing me on or he's stringing her on. (At this point in the conversation he had to take a Xanax). I told him that I understood that and also understood that his R with her had feelings and emotions for the both of them and that I knew that it would be hard on the both of them if he decided to end it with her. I mentioned (as unbiased as I could) that I felt it was hard to make a good determination like that when you've only really knows a person for a few months. He ABSOLUTELY agreed with that and said that when she started talking about long term arrangements that kind of freaked him out BECAUSE they hadn't been together that long. I was happy to hear he at least had the sense to realize that. What it boils down to is that he seems to want assurances that reconciliation with me would cause things to be better. I told him I couldn't guarantee him that because he needed to make changes himself. Thus far, I was the only one that had. But I was willing to give it a chance. He's still very confused. I recommended that he read Divorce Busters because we had a long conversation about the importance of making YOURSELF happy. I don't think I was explaining it well. We'll see if he opts to read it or not.

I was thinking last night after he left the house that if he were to choose OW at this point, it would potentially be even more painful than before. Because now, he's telling me he thinks I'm great, I'm such a good communicator, I'm sexy, I'm patient blah blah blah. And his presence has stirred up the feelings in me that I had learned to keep at bay. So now I can't help but feel slightly panicky about things but am managing to stay calm, cool, and collected with him (and even without him). I just had one short bawling event in the shower and felt better afterwards.

Tonight is our traditional post martial arts class sushi night. We didn't get to eat the Tira Misu yesterday since it has to sit overnight, so afterwards we'll come here for dessert. There's no telling what'll happen at dinner or if he'll even feel up to it since I'm sure he didn't get a lot of work done talking to me all day and he's really got his anxiety level on high. The IC wanted to see him again this week so I guess she sees the heavy conflict in him as well. I can see that he REALLY wants to choose me but is afraid of failure again and doesn't want to lose his back up just in case. Unfortunately, that is a decision that he will have to make and I can do nothing other than continue to be who I am and give him the space he needs.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Alb)))))
I agree with giving him the space he needs. Actually, I think you may be being a bit too available to him now. I know he says he doesn't feel it as pressure, but I think in his conflicted mind, it is. I wouldn't suggest going dark by any means, but I think a slight to medium pull-back might be in order.

I don't know exactly what that looks like in your case, but you are a smart lady, I think you could figure it out.

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for stopping by VH. I think you're right. I will try to pull back slightly but it IS difficult. He's ALWAYS said that the most attractive thing about me was my brain. And just recently he's said NUMEROUS times that it was a CONVERSATION that we had that really made him miss me. So I'm working to be as available as possible and offer him plenty of conversation opportunities. At the same time though, I agree it may seem like pressure even though I'm working my hardest to make it not seem that way. I still have not initiated any of our R talk and still let him contact me first. He took me up on my offer of reading the DB book so I'll see if he actually tackles it. I won't ask and I'll try to give him space tomorrow. I'll even keep IM off.

He did show up for dinner tonight and it went well but we've definitely taken a step back in our physicality. It just feels wrong given the turmoil I know is going on in his head. *sigh*

[irishblessings]

Alb -
Stop focusing on him...he definitely shows signs of coming around / however if you slip away from focusing on you then it may not be healthy for you.
You sound really good though -
Glad that he is coming back in your life! I am envious!
IB

[punkin]

Alb -

Glad to hear things are going well. I agree with Irish, stay focused on yourself. Acknowledge the compliments, etc. with a Mona Lisa smile and keep movin'