Had a good session with my IC tonight - told him that I'm back in that uncomfortable place that's become all too familiar over the past year and a half - depression. For me, it involves strong physical symptoms and they're always the same. I know it'll pass because it's happened before, but it feels pretty awful in the midst.
He said four things that I want to post:
1) I asked if I should be on ADs. I've not taken them before. He said no, not now. We'll wait 5 weeks, then we'll weigh 3 factors: intensity, frequency, and duration of my "depressive episodes." If they haven't lightened by then, we'll consider medication. That was good. I've never asked for meds before and I don't really want to start on them, so I was glad he said no. But I did want to ask the question because this is getting to feel sooooo old.
2) We talked about "acceptance" - which could also be called "loving detachment." I'm fine intellectually, but emotionally I'm not too sophisticated, so this concept continues to evade me. I asked him to explain and give me some examples. I'm still chewing on what he said. Loving detachment is very hard for me because I always think I have the power to effect a certain desired outcome. Like if only I try hard enough, things will work out the way I want - and if they don't, that's because I made a mistake. Back to the drawing board!
The optimism and confidence are ok, but the crash I take when things don't work out is not so good.
3) IC said he "truly believes" - and I've never heard him use those words before because he's usually so neutral - that people have to STOP thinking of the end of a relationship as some kind of failure. He said that relationships change and that's just part of life. He said that heartbreak is hard enough to deal with, without the added layer of feeling like you've failed at something.
4) He said that now is not the time to ask life's big questions. Being filtered through the lens of depression, the answers I come up with are bound to be slanted to the negative side. Instead, I should just try a variety of things to get myself out of this funk.
My homework this week is to experiment with different things that might make me feel better. I'm supposed to see what works and what doesn't and do more of what works. Sound familiar?
