How to lovingly detach

[barbsing1]

So - I did good and I did bad. Trying to figure out how to proceed now.

As I mentioned in my original post, H had said last Wednesday he had cut off all communication with ex wife. On Saturday night, H was downstairs and I was in the loft. I wasn't planning on spying on him but he was acting the way he had been when he was in contact with her. I waited and then saw him text her. And then I threw it down in a way I haven't before. I asked him what he was doing. He told me he wanted to tell her goodnight. I told him it had only been 72 hours and he couldn't keep his promise of no contact. I told him that since he seemed to think he would have a better life with her that he could now leave, that I wouldn't stop him and that I was no longer afraid of him leaving. I told him that it would be best for him to leave while I had some love for him and before I started to hate him, which was forthcoming. He said "I'm not going anywhere unless I choose and unless I am ready". I told him that in fact, that would not be the case. That I would retain the lawyer I had consulted with and force him to leave via a writ of possession. His eyes got really big. I told him that I had the pornographic photos she had sent him in a safe place and he said sarcastically, "good". I replied that it was in fact not "good" for him because I would use the photos during the custody phase of our divorce. I told him it was not "good" for her because I knew all about the fact that her ex was currently suing her in regards to child support and custody and that I could make her life miserable if I chose.

We discussed several other things - it is clear that he is confused and in denial - he keeps pointing out the trust issues I've had in our relationship and how if he chose to work on our relationship, he was afraid I would never trust him again. In the beginning of our marriage, he did something stupid but I did something more stupid - I made a mountain out of a mole hill and never let it go. I know everything I did to contribute to our issues. I take full responsibility and started working on my issues about a year ago. But I explained that this situation was different than the one almost 10 years ago - this was the real deal. And yet I had still been willing up to this point to work on our relationship. That our relationship had been that important to me.

He admitted he had "f-ed" up - that it was all him. That she had made no attempt to contact him since last Wednesday and that she had not initiated the text conversation nor had she responded to him saying "goodnight" to her on Saturday. He said that as much as he needed to begin believing I could trust him again and I could let this go, he hoped I would now believe him that there would be no further contact of any kind. I agreed to this - not just for him but for me as well. Every time I "snoop", spy or try to gather intel, it's like cutting myself with a knife. I bleed, I hurt, I ache. I'm tired of torturing myself like that.

I asked if he was ready to recommit to our relationship. He said he was not at that point but wanted to think some more on this. He asked me to let him stay. And here is where I maybe messed up. Though I never said "yes - you can stay", I didn't continue to show him the door. I told him I was not going to remain in a marriage where I was not loved and where my amazing ability to love was shunned so this was a time-limited situation. I explained that if he chose to leave, I would be ready and willing to enter into a relationship where I could love and be loved in return. That if he chose his ex, I would do anything and everything necessary to make sure our kids were not exposed to her filth.

On Sunday, he apologized once again stating that he was acting in a way that was not like himself - that I was worthy of respect and he was committed to giving me that.

So now he knows what I am capable of. But he also knows saying he is sorry goes a long way. Sigh. Thoughts??