Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

H ended up coming with D and I on her birthday cruise. I could tell he was still stressed but he seemed to do OK. There was a little more tension between him and I because now I know he's not emotionally done with OW. But things were still nice and we held hands briefly.

Afterwards, he came to our house and helped D make tira misu. I made dinner and we ate as a family. Afterwards, he tried out his bartending skills on some new drinks (always a hobby of his) and then we watched How to Train your Dragon as a family. It was a great day and he seemed happy.

Today though has been a trying day. H went to IC this morning. He called me afterwards and we ended up talking for about 5 hours. He's very torn. He says he definitely sees the changes in me and finds them incredibly attractive. But he still worries that things will revert back to the way they were when we were together. I pointed out that he was unhappy when we were together. He blamed the relationship for a large part of it. Absent of the relationship, and in fact, even with a new relationship, he's still unhappy. He says he totally understands that and knows that he needs to do a lot of work himself. But he feels (and I agree) that he needs to make a big decision (regarding the OW) relatively quickly. Otherwise, he's stringing me on or he's stringing her on. (At this point in the conversation he had to take a Xanax). I told him that I understood that and also understood that his R with her had feelings and emotions for the both of them and that I knew that it would be hard on the both of them if he decided to end it with her. I mentioned (as unbiased as I could) that I felt it was hard to make a good determination like that when you've only really knows a person for a few months. He ABSOLUTELY agreed with that and said that when she started talking about long term arrangements that kind of freaked him out BECAUSE they hadn't been together that long. I was happy to hear he at least had the sense to realize that. What it boils down to is that he seems to want assurances that reconciliation with me would cause things to be better. I told him I couldn't guarantee him that because he needed to make changes himself. Thus far, I was the only one that had. But I was willing to give it a chance. He's still very confused. I recommended that he read Divorce Busters because we had a long conversation about the importance of making YOURSELF happy. I don't think I was explaining it well. We'll see if he opts to read it or not.

I was thinking last night after he left the house that if he were to choose OW at this point, it would potentially be even more painful than before. Because now, he's telling me he thinks I'm great, I'm such a good communicator, I'm sexy, I'm patient blah blah blah. And his presence has stirred up the feelings in me that I had learned to keep at bay. So now I can't help but feel slightly panicky about things but am managing to stay calm, cool, and collected with him (and even without him). I just had one short bawling event in the shower and felt better afterwards.

Tonight is our traditional post martial arts class sushi night. We didn't get to eat the Tira Misu yesterday since it has to sit overnight, so afterwards we'll come here for dessert. There's no telling what'll happen at dinner or if he'll even feel up to it since I'm sure he didn't get a lot of work done talking to me all day and he's really got his anxiety level on high. The IC wanted to see him again this week so I guess she sees the heavy conflict in him as well. I can see that he REALLY wants to choose me but is afraid of failure again and doesn't want to lose his back up just in case. Unfortunately, that is a decision that he will have to make and I can do nothing other than continue to be who I am and give him the space he needs.