Is there any hope for us?

[sandi2]

Well....I think I am finally back and running. I am so sorry I wasn't able to be there for you when you needed me,but you are getting good advice.

I'll just tell you that your biggest thing will be to forgive yourself. It took me such a long time and sometimes I wonder if I have fully done that yet. But we will not heal nor will we be able to move forward until we can forgive ourselves.

The thing is, you don't feel that you deserve to be forgiven. You see what your actions have caused and you are over-whelmed at how quickly your life fell apart.

You have been yanked out of your fantasy-escape world. The pain, remorse,regret....all of it is horrible. But, you will survive this. I believe that right now you must protect yourself financially. For now, you will have to put the plan to reconcile your M on the back burnner b/c your H is not in an emotional or mental place to even consider it. He made up his mind before you even got home that day. He had packed and had contacted the lawyer. That says a tremdous amount about his pride. His pride is hurt and he is very angry. Don't know if he will allow himself to ever consider forgiveness.

But here's the thing.....you have got to take care of YOU. You must learn to be your own friend and stop beating yourself in the ground. You may even have to find a C to help you get past this.

I did the same things that you did. I understand you. I don't think it is something we planned to do....but was kind of sucked into it due to our vulnerability and sadness in our M. We wanted something to cause us to "feel" again. We wanted to feel alive instead of walking through each day as if we were dead. I could talk for hours about that, but I won't right now.

My M survived, but my H is not turned like yours. It was hard and it took a long time to find our way back.....b/c it was mostly "me" trying to find myself again.

Even if there is a D, your life will go on. Maybe someday the two of you will get back together, or maybe you will find another.....but you will go on....if you will allow yourself to heal and to grow from this point.

I still have so much regret but I know there is no way of undoing what I've done. I can only strive to make my life better. We learn more from our mistake and if we're smart...we don't repeat them.

FWITW, I've learned that we do most of our growing through suffering. So, don't give up on yourself. Push forward and and be the lady you know you can be.