Your children will remember that you made one of the toughest things they will ever go through as easy on them as you could. You can give them no greater gift.
Alb ... TAMF ... and any other interested souls ...
Here goes ...
I want to tell you gals a story about a woman, a woman we’ll call PEI
In January her H told her he was done. Just like that. She did all the stereotypical things that night, she collapsed on the kitchen floor, was sick to her stomach, cried, screamed, begged, pleaded and cursed. She was practically numb on the inside for the next several weeks. Shock, probably.
PEI and her husband continued to share their bed. Over the next month or two they reached for each other on several occasions even though her H was flat out telling her that he no longer loved her and didn’t see that changing. PEI told herself it was ok, just two people who are attracted to each other blowing off steam, but what that teeny-tiny voice deep inside her head was saying was “this will make him stay” and “if he wants me this way, he’ll want me totally”. She didn’t hear this voice ... not even a whisper ... at first ...
That voice has alternatively been whispering and screaming at PEI since she was a child ... “do this, then they’ll like you” ... “give more, then they’ll love you” ... “make them feel good and they won’t leave you”...
PEI talked to a counsellor about the sitch, and had her behaviour validated. “Keep the connection if you can handle it” she was told. “Oh, I can handle it” she said. She told her H that it was ok, that it was just physical, that it was fun, that it was two people who were incredibly attracted to each other acting on their desire, that it wasn’t confusing, that it was “no strings attached”. She lied. To her H and to herself. She even knew she was lieing to her H, she was using it as a tactic. Trying to keep the connection when she felt him slipping, hell, running away from her. She lied to herself about her motivations, claimed that it was just to save her marriage to a man she adored. She claimed it was just fun. She justified it by reminding herself that he is HER H so of course it was ok. She started to hear the whispers ... dismissed them....
PEI discovered the OW in April, the morning after she and her H had spent the night together, prompted by too much alcohol and an incredibly difficult emotional day (the first anniversary of her niece’s death). They even spent the night together in bed for the first time in 6 weeks (H had started going to the couch even after sex ... had stopped kissing her too ... ). PEI was calm ... maybe too calm. She confronted him and they spoke for hours. H was in love. PEI validated, listened, fought the urge to slap him and throw him the f*ck out. And then, he went to her for the evening. Days later PEI bought a story from her H that he was going to be just friends with OW, she bought it because she wanted to. Not because it was true or even really believable. She was in deep denial. She got defensive. PEI and H continued to be intimate several times over the next month and a half. Getting less and less connected ... less and less .. well, intimate.
In June they had their last encounter ... I’ll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say it was one sided and brief. It was just sex. It was less than just sex. PEI almost checked the night stand to see if he’d dropped some cash on his way out the door. She felt used and discarded. She felt exactly like she had way back when things were rough. She shrugged it off for days. Tried to pretend it hadn’t happened. Talked about it on her thread as if she was handling it just fine, thank you very much. Then she knew that she was angry and disappointed in HERSELF. We teach people how to treat us. We either allow or do not allow certain behaviours. We respect ourselves or we do not. PEI did not respect herself. She had given that away ... and for the record no one can take it from you, but you can give it up. She had become something less than who she was. She had compromised her core and used her sexuality to attempt to manipulate and control a situation because she was afraid and insecure. She had not honoured or respected herself. She then thought about her daughter, about the kind of woman she hopes her D will become: true, honest, compassionate, strong, kind and respectful - of herself and of others.
PEI started to really dig. Most of it privately ... but a lot of it here on the boards too. She is not the same person she was back in January ... but she is also not the same person she was in June ... she is stronger. She is more aware than she has ever been. And she is nowhere near done figuring it all out.
This is not a judgement call. I simply wanted to share my experience in case any of it helps in any way. I spent a lot of time “I know, I know”ing my way through this ... I’ve spent a lot of time defending myself ... I’ve spent a lot of time trying to convince others and ultimately myself of my truth. Then I realized that if I had to work at it ... it wasn’t my truth.
Ladies, be an example to your daughters. Of strength, of character, of compassion. Not just by the behaviours they witness but by who you strive to be every day. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Be true to yourself. And when it’s quiet and no one else is there to poke or prod you ... listen for that voice. Listen for the whisper. Get BRUTALLY honest with yourself. Frankly, what you tell me, or anyone on these boards, means nothing at the end of the day. You have to look in your mirror. The best advice I’ve ever gotten here was to make sure that I am living and making decisions with NO REGRETS.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
That voice has alternatively been whispering and screaming at PEI since she was a child ... “do this, then they’ll like you” ... “give more, then they’ll love you” ... “make them feel good and they won’t leave you”...
PEI,
So what does this voice say now?
How are you going to kill it?
Where else do you see that this voice, is still directing YOU?
Remember, it has been with you your whole life. It won't go away quickly.
You are right, sometimes we don't here it, but it still impacts us. Always be aware of that.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks Grit and B-lady .. it's been a trip, and it's only just begun!
Cat,
Originally Posted By: Cat
So what does this voice say now?
Honestly, it still says many of the same things. As you say, it's not going to go away over night. The difference is that now I know it's there. I'm listening for it, conscious of it. CHOOSING not to buy in to what she's selling because I know that voice comes place of fear and insecurity.
Originally Posted By: Cat
How are you going to kill it?
With awareness and time mostly. In order to kill the fear and insecurity driven voice, I'm gonna kill the fear and insecurity. That takes positive self talk, being true to myself and continuing to dig.
Originally Posted By: Cat
Where else do you see that this voice, is still directing YOU?
I think it is still there, still whispering, but I am conscious of it, and working to make sure that it does not direct me. You are right, sometimes it takes time to see that it is at play, to see something for what it is. All I can do is work hard to see it, become more and more aware and push myself to be true. For example, I am struggling with whether or not I can balance a full time job, my part time business, being a single mom and having time for myself to just unwind. I do not want to give up my business, but I struggled with why ... was it because I was afraid to let my upline down, or because it was something I truly wanted to do for ME. Now I know it's for me and it's something I want to do.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
PEI....I felt like you were talking about me. That is how I have felt about everything! That voice you talk about is just a whisper with me and I have been telling it to shut up for so long.
Thank you for sharing
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Yep, the voice for me is not even a whisper yet but being aware that it is a monster helps me to stop listening to it. the thing is I don't think it will ever die, we can just be aware of it and not let it control us as it will take different forms.
PEI....I felt like you were talking about me. That is how I have felt about everything! That voice you talk about is just a whisper with me and I have been telling it to shut up for so long.
Thank you for sharing
The digging you are talking about will help you fight that monster. IMO, you can't just kill the voice, you have to kill the monster who uses it. The insecurity, codependancy, fear etc.
But I do think it can be killed, by fighting those battles and doing the work. Sure, you can just keep telling it to be quiet, and trying to ignore it, but that only works when you are actually conscious of it. I say grab your battle gear and meet that f*cker head on ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
