Just got back from the conference and she was already in there and I sat down not next to her but rather perpendicualar to her and I could not look at her. If I had I think I would have gone balistic, I tried to monitor my boday language, as I am very, very good at letting her know when I am unhappy with her.
Son is doing okay but needs some guidance at "home", I took the lead as to what I would work on with him at home. This is his first year in advanced classes and he is very smart but has a motivation issue. W went into how that is how she was when she was young. I wanted to say "Shut the F@ck up, this is one thing that is definitely not all about "YOU"".
Anyway.... conference ends and we walk out of classroom and I hand her some mail and then receipt for clothes I bought for the kids that she agreed to pay half for.
She asked if I got the texts she sent. I answered yes, but I could not look at her. My body language at that point was communicating loud and clear what I was feeling, I just wanted to break into a sprint to get away from her. I tried to walk slower so that I would not look as though I was trying to walk out in front of her but then she walked a little slower so she would not be walking with me.
F@ck it, I thought, I am not going to play this and started walking at my normal 6'3" gait. You have to practically run to keep up with me at that point. I did turn back to tell ask her to write a check for what she owed me on the clothes, last month's and this month's car insurance, and also that she needed to come all the way out to the house on Thursday to pick up S10 b/c I would be at the airport.
(I swear, I need these people that are coming to visit!!!) BTW, I am having a beer now, yep its 3:30, and Im on vacation!! If I didn't I would explode!!
I kept on walking and by the time we were to the parking lot I was 30 feet in front of her and not looking back. Got in the car and left.
I sooooooo bad wanted to turn around and f@cking unload on her, both barrels, it all came together today, critical mass kinda of thing. "News flash.....thermonuclear bomb goes off in south Charlotte, pictures at 5"
I did not, the only reason is that I know that I still love that woman, right now I only know it, definitely not feeling it. Hell on Friday I was a mess, totally on the other end of the spectrum, Cycling HARD.
I will say this, during my entire sitch there has only been a handfull of times where I have been this angry. The kind of anger that blinds you, the kinda of anger that I used to let control me, the kind of anger that would allow me to literally throw my W out of the house, the kind of anger that causes us to say and do things that we later regret.
It is coursing through me and I am letting it wash over me and I know eventually it will fade and the feelings of love will return but right now I do feel empowered and I feel like I absolutely do not need this person in my life.
All of it has come back ten fold, not reliving it but just looking at it in total and I have to say that I am feeling as though my self respect is returning. I am no longer afraid to say what "needs" to be said.
Yes Mach, the kids are my BIG FAT A$$ BUTTON and she jumped up and down on it today. Could I have done better.....yep!! but I let a little slip out maybe just enough, I don't know, I don't care right now. All I want is a little freaking respect....she may not give it and that is fine, her choice, I can not control her....... but I contol me and I can make choices for me and my kids and from now on I can politely but firmly say......
Thank you but I have had enough of the "Sh!t platter special"
I am sorry, I am venting big time and I know there is ALOT of anger up there. I am trying to be honest with myself these days and chronical my experience. I don't know if it will help anyone else other than hey, I am over a year into this thing and this is how I am feeling right now, today.
Normal, not normal, I don't know. The lovable, easy going Missherlove will be back, he is asleep right now, I will go and try to wake him up.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Sweetie, here's the thing. You feel what you feel.
Having said that, the goal is the work on the detachment. Cuz that's what's gonna get you through this long term.
Doesnt mean you arent going to get angry. Doesnt mean you are giving up. Doesnt mean you no longer love your wife. It's just what has to happen in order for you to get to a place where your buttons are not pushed quite so hard and ultimately to a place of peace.
People seem to think that you lose your self respect by not feeding into the MLCer's stuff.
Uh Uh. No way. I have more respect for myself now than I did my whole life. You know why? Cuz I am in control of me.
I dont care what my h thinks about me. Really. All I know is I like me. I respect myself. And I control me. No one else.
So, you said what you said and you got through the conference, right? And you have some good stuff happening. Concentrate on all of that.
I can guarantee you that your wife doesnt even know what you said to her. And I hate to see you spinning your wheels.
Be the MHL that you want to be without regard to your w.
Now, shake it off, get back on the path and get to gettin'.
(singing)........Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday Miss-Her_Love! Happy Birthday to you!