My Situation - any thoughts or ideas

[pookie69]

The "friend" debate comes up here often.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2081505&page=1

[pookie69]

I'm not trying to discourage him, exactly the opposite. I want to encourage him to take action that will be effective.

Not every sitch is exactly the same and not all vets here have the same universal approach.

Only the person him/herself can see what works, what does not.

As the sitch evolves, this is still a good place to share and seek advice how to proceed.

There are effective ways to do things, but even changing the order may affect different peoples sich differently.

Why do you think that it would be different for you had you moved out immediatlely before doing anything else?

[XYZ]

I want to say thank you to all. As I'm sure you know, this is an extremely difficult time for me and I'm really trying to (a) figure out what works and what doesn't and (b) figure our what W's words and actions mean and don't mean. Neither are easy tasks.

Any insight on the general order of steps that I'll see?

[pookie69]

Time and patience is on your side.

Clear your head first.

Find out if there is OM. It makes a huge difference.

Think about the offer of being "friends".

GAL and decide what you want.

Make a plan for every possible outcome and be ready to execute if/when appropriate.

She is watching you. You need to be decisive, calm and strong.

What was it that she saw in you when she fell in love?

[XYZ]

She's always told me that "confidence is sexy"...

One more question, I went out Friday night and didn't tell her where/with whom. She went out Saturday. I don't know where or with whom. I was gone 2.5 hours, she was gone 5 hours.

I'm going nuts over it! I've said nothing to her, but I can't for the life of me figure out where she went and what she did. This is the first time that's ever happened. Any advice?

[XYZ]

BTW, she for sure has noticed my changes. She's made a couple comments in the last week. First, about a week ago she said "you're 180 degrees different" and then yesterday, she told me that she feels isolated and alone because she hasn't told many people and that "your parents are your new best friends" --- that's unusual for me. I have not generally been very close to my parents. I guess these are good developments.

[pookie69]

She's always told me that "confidence is sexy"...

One more question, I went out Friday night and didn't tell her where/with whom. She went out Saturday. I don't know where or with whom. I was gone 2.5 hours, she was gone 5 hours.

I'm going nuts over it! I've said nothing to her, but I can't for the life of me figure out where she went and what she did. This is the first time that's ever happened. Any advice?

Don't ask. That's pursuing.

Don't tell about yourself. If she asks, be vague but polite.

You are not confident or sexy to her, since she is not attracted to you right now.

How are you going to get that back?

[XYZ]

And she's been noticeably more scattered and antsy the last couple of days. Really digging into our finances and more irrational, etc. Maybe the changes in me are starting to cause her to become (more) confused...

[pookie69]

BTW, she for sure has noticed my changes. She's made a couple comments in the last week. First, about a week ago she said "you're 180 degrees different" and then yesterday, she told me that she feels isolated and alone because she hasn't told many people and that "your parents are your new best friends" --- that's unusual for me. I have not generally been very close to my parents. I guess these are good developments.

Be consistent, she is watching you.

Create some mystery. Buy new clothes, change your parfume, go out with friends. Don't worry about what she does.

Be cheery and happy.

Be catnip.

[pookie69]

And she's been noticeably more scattered and antsy the last couple of days. Really digging into our finances and more irrational, etc. Maybe the changes in me are starting to cause her to become (more) confused...

Stop mindreading here.

Why is she digging in finances?