Should I Tell Her To Move Back.....?

[pookie69]

1.I know I need to lead but can't intiate R talk.

2.She had a hard time communicating what she wants and needs from me and it apears she still does.

1. You can lead without saying a word about R.

2. What have you done to find out without asking or being told?

[futureunknown]

Hey Fut.

where are you now (with your W)? I have been reading so many sitches I forgot who do what now.

Hi gr8-

I haven't posted in a while on my sitch. I guess it's part of letting go, I'm just not that interested in posting. Let's see, because of our fight a couple weeks ago, W and I agreed to get divorced, I went away on a trip for a few days, I get back and she's flirting like crazy with me, I ask her what's up with the flirting, she denies that she's flirting, we stick to the plan to get divorced, she says maybe we can get remarried in a few years (wow), she says she needs to be on her own for a while, I say fine, we're working on getting the legal stuff done, I had a solo session with our MC, MC said I need to protect myself from W's erratic behavior and stay away until W consistently demonstrates real desire to reconcile, I'm out GALing and having fun, finally decided to live for myself. Whew!

[Vulcanized]

Hi Gr8,

Checking in on you. Have absolutely no idea on how you should proceed.

How bout that game last night?!?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

FUT
I hear you about not posting too much on the invidual sitch. I haven't had too much to discuss until recently.

I feel back in limbo again and it sucks. DO I continue dating or wait and see what happens with W? IDK?

I was so much better off last month going into mediation.

I'm looking for a sign from her to proceed. I know the answers but I can't tell her them. She needs to discover them for herself. I'll give it another week before I think some more about it.




Vulc,
thanks for checking in. as you can read I have dilemas to deal with now.

Long weekend for me, I fell asleep in the bottom of the fifth.
Woke up to the good news though! I think we'll be fine.

[Vulcanized]

Vulc,

Long weekend for me, I fell asleep in the bottom of the fifth.
Woke up to the good news though! I think we'll be fine.

I KNOW we'll be fine.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

We will be fine, you're right.


Thought about things today and I did email W with Financial info needed to complete the post marital agreemant.
I simply stated all our investments and their values.

I added "please let me know when we need to meet with her again so we can review the contract and sign it"

She still has to provide one piece of information about the value of the house.

I'm good either way. I needed to do this for me. I feel more comfrtable knowing everything will be cut and dry if things don't work out.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

having another trying day.

I am confused with W actions and I have been looking towards the future.

I know financially we and the kids would be better off. But I'm having a hard time justifying unhappiness that may come along with this.

On the other hand I am happy now dating OW and getting the affection and attention I need.

The way my W is now is not attractive to me.

My happiness is much more important than financial stablity.
And We can't just work on things "for the Kids"

[PEI]

On the other hand I am happy now dating OW and getting the affection and attention I need.

Just playing devils advocate ... do you think you can truly objectively evaluate your sitch with your wife with this ^^^^ factored in? Can any of this be "the grass is greener" that our WASs experience?

My happiness is much more important than financial stablity.

Agreed.

And We can't just work on things "for the Kids"

Nope. Not long term, but I have seem some threads where the WAS and LBS decided to try for the kids, and in the process they rediscovered each other, learned new R and communication skills and came out of it better off. Have no idea if this would happen in your sitch, but don't write off "the kids" as a valid starting point.

Peace brotha ... no easy choices here ...
Happy Belated too by the way, bet the surprise party was fun!
PEI

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks PEI- she devil you.

maybe it is a little of the greener grass.

It all comes down to, me not being with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I don't want to hear her say "I don't know if he can love me the way I need to be loved"

Please tell me excatly what you want. Take a stand for what's important to you in life. Speak to me in terms I would understand.

You can be the smartest person in the world but if you can't comminicate to your audience, you can't teach them.




This post by robx last year really hit a point with me:

Originally Posted By: jcneedshelp
this was written for me!!! in an emotionally and sex starved marrage of 26yrs 2 kids. im an attractive 49yr old, who was desperate, and worse off now. in response to what lacking at home after repeadtly asking him, i rekindled a relationship with my one and only love from high school, after this confirmed the lacking attriction at homw was not me, i asked my husband to leave, he eventually found out about my 4 mo. affair. my old flame will not leave his wife and im so emotionally attached its pathetic, we did get together one time! we ended the affair, and my husband is now casanova, will do anything to save marrage!!! trouble is dont feel in love with him anymore. where was he all those years!!! so confused, please help


I hear this repeatedly, I told my husband I need this & that but did you really tell him what you really wanted? Based on the research I've been reviewing, the lack of true communication is what caused this, your inability to communicate your real needs to your husband. Before you start up in an uproar, here is some real communication and this is real and blatant and direct and to the point and then after reading this, tell me if you actually said this:

" I am bored in this relationship, I require really good sex every xx days/weeks and I am starved for it. I am feeling unloved & unwanted and I can't continue in this relationship without these things that I call basic necessities. I don't want to exist in a marriage just to exist, if you can't give me what I want which is sex and not just any sex, good sex and attentive sex, and touching & massaging and communicating,etc. Then I will divorce you and proceed to get it elsewhere, I will not be unheard and I will not be ignored anymore. I don't tell this to be mean to you but I have to be honest with what my body needs & wants."

Tell me this is what you told your husband before you had your affair.

Before you tell me that he wouldn't have done anything to change, you just mentioned that he's acting like "casanova and will do anything to save the marriage". Fear of loss will inspire anyone to change. The real issue is communication and HONESTY, you weren't honest with your husband about your needs and didn't really want to give him the a chance at helping fulfill those needs - it's not because he didn't want to or couldn't. You couldn't be honest with him and more importantly yourself about you wanted and you feel now that you are entitled to affairs because of this.

Men are not mind readers and neither are women because if women were, they could read men's minds and basically find out that men are clueless when it comes to this.

Please respond and tell me you gave your husband this conversation before you had your affair.

Yes you're an emotional wreck now, you're dealing with guilt of the affair, you see that your husband would have done something, you are angry because you weren't honest and you probably look at your husband like he's pathetic & worthless. True love is committment & honesty. Being in love for women is what men call being infatuated, something new is definitely something sexy & exciting. Once the lustre of the affair is gone or once the other man leaves, you are left with coming down off a powerful high similar to drugs (tell me I'm wrong) and now you're looking for your next fix (desperate & worse off now)

I hate to say that I'm wrong on this, I wish I was but the stuff I've been reading really paints a whole new picture on all of this.

You either commit whole-heartedly to your marriage, be honest about your needs and what it is you want or divorce your husband. You entered this relationship model with your husband and created a new model without your husband: the only way out of this is to be honest & communicate what you need or divorce - there is no other way out. The longer you live in this holding pattern, the more you will hurt yourself and your husband.

And one other tidbit to add to this, is it possible your husband went through something similar with you but instead of being honest with his needs because he felt largely ignored about he wanted that he gave in, lost his excitement for life and just planned to exist in life without ever getting anything from his wife? The difference is this, he didn't cheat on you, he chose to remain faithful and just suffer because he loved you.

I'm not saying any of this be hard on you, and I won't label you a cheater, but I will tell you that you made the wrong decision or decisions in your marriage. You can turn this around and make your marriage something different and something great or you can chase a "feeling" because we both know you're not chasing a person. You enjoyed the feeling of being "high" (that's the feeling infatuation produces similar to being on cocaine or heroine) and the feeling you have now is even worse, it's like coming off of crack, you have that addicted feeling and are crashing hard. You probably even spent some time crying, in agony, maybe you couldn't leave your bed for a few days, nothing can console you and you probably even place some or all of this blame on your husband whenever you see him and whenever he tries to please you it makes you even angrier at him.

If I knew your phone number I would call your husband and tell him exactly what he needs to do with you, which is to be firm, give you a bit of a kick in the ass and be a real man with you and let you know that what you did was wrong but he still loves you and forgives you and won't label you as a cheater but he can't live with someone who want be honest, communicative and real about what a committed marriage is about.

So how close was I to any of this, take into account we are both anonymous & remote, please be honest with all of this.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Journaling.

Still no contact from W about "talking". Last week I sent an email to mediator and W asking for an update in the D contract.

Over the weekend, W texted me that her mom was dropping the kids off b/c she was sick all night.

Tempted to reply back-"Ok, I hope you feel better"
I chose not to reply at all.

Received an email from W today regarding the Dimishing Value of my down payment for the house. She gave me numbers of what she owes me. She also added that she wanted consistency in the kids life and she would be willing to work with me to keep them in the house.


I replied back:
"I totally agreed with you about having consistency in the kids life. However after I review all the information, I will decided what's best for me and the kids."

I expect nothing from her so I won't be disappointed.
Her action are showing me her answers.

Looks like we're still moving towards D.