Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Warrior,

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I want you to think of something for a second…..How do you feel right now. I mean really?

Do you think that you can change her?

Do you think that the hug is some small sign?

You say you had no expectation and I am going to call bullchit on it. I often as I said I had no expectations I did.

Let me ask you a question.. In the past were you affectionate with her or were you like me a cold insensitive prick


There is no way I am going to change her. No chance in that. She

must look within. I see a scared little girl that is very

confused. Monster is not present during this time.

If there is a sign from that hug, it is only friendship at this point.

I see no reason to decline the hug. Again, I had no expectations

on the hug. I have seen this many times before.There is no f'ing

way she is coming out of this anytime soon. That is my

expectation.

The question you have about being affectionate? I have never met

anyone throughout our marriage that was more affectionate than

wife and I. Other couples have told us this. They admitted that

they wanted what my W and I have together.

I would lying to you if I told you I was cold. My problem is that

I tend to be the Mr. Nice guy type of person and that is where I

went wrong. I allowed myself to be controlled. Did not see that

before. I have much to learn.

Let me tell you a little story. When you mention the word "Prick"

that made me think of this:

My W noticed throughout this that I was not going to be an angry

jerk and duke it out with the baiting of arguments that laid

before me. I knew within two weeks of bomb drop that something

MAJOR has happened to my W and started to put the MLC pieces

together. I did not find my way on this site until about 1 month

after bomb drop.



After doing a few acts of service LL, she would be exasperated

and yell at me "Why couldn't you just be a PRICK to me?"

The first time this happened, I was confused. I told the IC about

it and he said "Warrior, the next time she says that, respond

with "I know I was a prick in the past, but I am not going to be

a prick anymore!!"

When he said that, I thought to myself, are you nuts IC? I never

was a prick to her but I kept my mouth shut and followed what he

told me.

I told my circle of support people, I have about 6 people I call

off an on that know my W and me very well. They all said, "But

Warrior, you are not a prick to her." I said "I know but that is

what the IC said I should say." They were noticeably

uncomfortable about this because they think that it is not true.


So again it happened, a few more acts of service and viola!

She says, "Why couldn't you just be a prick to me? This would be

so much easier then!"

I responded the way the IC told me to respond and she was baffled

with that response. That ended that and we moved on that day.

Keep in mind, she never has used the word Prick like that in our

entire marriage. She has a whole new set of colorful words she

uses with her new circle of friends at work.

Eric, this is MLC at its finest. Nothing makes sense. Bomb drop

day, tons of nonsense came spewing forth from her. I have many

stories like this. This thing is going to take a long time.

I get it.

During this time, I have to save myself. While doing that, I am

reading more books and getting more insight then ever before.

I don't know if my W will ever find her way out. If she does,

find her way out, I will be better than before. I already know

that I am. People around me have commented about that.

The IC says, "Warrior, I do not see you alone for the rest of

your life." I did not ask him that question, he gave me that as

a confidence booster I think.


I do not want to appear arrogant and lead you to believe that I

am some perfect H. I am far from it. For 20 years of marriage,

it was not all an act. My W and I both understood each other and

we both were grateful for the wonderful relationship that we had.

MLC is not a one size fits all. My sitch is similar yet different

to a lot who post here.

I look back at the path I have taken since bomb drop. I have made

some mistakes throughout this crisis and I have learned from

them. I am going to make a h@ll of a lot more mistakes. You can

count on that. I have not even reached my 1st I'M DONE yet.

You already are 5 IM DONE's ahead of me.

I have realized looking back though, that there was nothing I

could have done to make things move along faster for her.

For me though, the biggest challenge is to deal with the

emotional pain. The people on the boards have helped keep the

pain to levels that at least I have been able to handle so far.

In the beginnings of this, I was truly a mess. But I had to go

through that pain to find a way to get myself back up again.

The first two things that you have to realize everyday:

1. Take care of yourself.
2. Take care of yourself so you can be a rock for your kids.

Then realize you will have to outlast this crisis. Doesn't matter

if there is an OP. Doesn't matter if you are separated. Doesn't

matter if you are divorced. Legal stuff is all paper and money.

Most LBS probably won't make it. That is understandable. I know

two divorced men that had their W's ask them for another chance

after about 2 years. Both of the men declined because they moved

on.

Was it MLC for them? I don't know. I just

know that my wife probably wrote the MLC book.