WAW 20 years and wants out

[Pensacolabroken]

Steve, OM is a 3rd level Black Belt, WAW is Probationary Black.

Thanks Gut I am hopeful.. I have a IC today and then we both go for MC tonight.. I am going to let the words from the MC do their work and tomorrow we have a Parent Teacher Conf.. I plan to tell her tomorrow I want her to move out and be free. I plan to tell her:
"I have been thinking about this and I am not going to be in an open marriage and I am not going to stay with you while you are involved with another Man. I dont know what I am feeling about our marriage now and you have until the end of Oct to find a place to to stay and move out."

My follow up if required is:
"I dont want to stay married to someone who doesnt respect me, and you wanted me to NOT be controlling, so I am not. This is your decision. You want your space you now have it"

How is that folks?

[Pensacolabroken]

also can someone explain "piecing" please?

[TimeHeals]

also can someone explain "piecing" please?

If your wife is involved with some other man, and she is thinking about him, then there's no danger that you are going to be "pieceing" any time soon.

You cannot rebuild your marriage while it is actively falling apart.

First the falling apart (chasing or thinking about OM) has to stop, then she has to commit to your marriage, and then we can talk about piecing.

Piecing doesn't happen until both spouses commit to trying to make the marriage work.

[Pensacolabroken]

Time,

thanks I am not looking that far down the road, I just was asking the definition is all. I agree.. first I snap her out of it with my offense.. I am genuinly charged up about taking some action with this train wreck and setting a direction..

Even if it is simply an EA, and she broke it off.. I am still going to insist she move out.. I want this on my terms and not hers any longer.. I will not be played or walked on..

[TimeHeals]

I snap her out of it with my offense

If your goal is to "snap her out of it" you will probably fail (seems to be how things go anyway).

Snap her out of what? She's infatuated with somebody else, and she's not attracted to YOU.

You just accept that and deal with it. If you have healthy self-esteem, you let her go because you don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you or somebody who is chasing somebody else.

Your marriage may or may not get a second chance (that's up to both of you), but right now it is officially dead if she's cheating on you. Accept it, deal with it, and make plans for a life that doesn't involve her.

If things change, then a new course may or may not be warranted.

Even if it is simply an EA, and she broke it off.. I am still going to insist she move out

Why? Tell her you don't believe that and demand proof. If you don't get proof and transparency, then ask her to move out. If she doesn't love you, ask her to move out. Play the cards as they are dealt. Give her a chance to prove her commitment before you ask her to move out. Usually, they don't even try until you are moving on yourself though.

[Pensacolabroken]

I have pretty healthy self esteem. Your point is taken and that is exactly why I am going to insist she leave.

Concur on the dead marriage if she is having or has had an EA/PA and I am not taking the chance she isnt.. because the facts are in my face.

thanks!

question? How would you recommend I ask for proof?

[TimeHeals]

question? How would you recommend I ask for proof?

Not my job to convince you It's her job to convince you that the marriage is important to her. See what I am saying? Stop chasing her, accept that the marriage (as it was) is over, and maybe she will try to prove otherwise. Maybe, maybe not.

Anyway, not your job for now. You didn't cheat.


PS. I am sure she could think of something to convince you she isn't pursuing the OM. Phone records, etc. If she cares enough, she will convince you, and she will provide proof. Otherwise, this is going to be the ordinary slow course to wherever this is heading.

[soleil]

You cannot rebuild your marriage while it is actively falling apart.

This is very true.

"I have been thinking about this and I am not going to be in an open marriage and I am not going to stay with you while you are involved with another Man. I dont know what I am feeling about our marriage now and you have until the end of Oct to find a place to to stay and move out. I dont want to stay married to someone who doesnt respect me, and you wanted me to NOT be controlling, so I am not. This is your decision. You want your space you now have it"

Fixed it.

[Pensacolabroken]

Soleil,

Thank you!

Okay just got done with my DB IC.. coach recommends WAITING on the boundry line in the sand until this weekend visit is over. THis is an opportunity this weekend and I lose nothing.

Going to follow that advice for the next few days while maintaining the 180's. No worries Gucci and Robx we will get there.. I am still eager on going on Offense.

[soleil]

Yeah I wouldn't give her a date to move out by either. But you need to state clearly the text in that post. Do not involve your feelings/emotions and anything like "I think... I believe" Use clear statements to let her know you mean business, Pensa.