What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage

[irishblessings]

I rarely post outside of MLC - but this is intriguing to me. My H and I were in MC off and on through our 25 year marriage. Initially because of my insecurities and lack of understanding/knowledge of how to make a marriage work. My parents were both addicts and it was a terrible model. I married someone I thought was SO far removed from the trashy way I was raised and I became obsessed with trying to do things the "right" way. I have always put H on a pedestal but felt as if he came from socially dysfunctional background and that I was always "studying" how to do things "right." I was always scared about him leaving. Well - at one point I read something about love being a choice and from that point on - I never turned back / no regrets - nothing. Love, love, love.

What I didn't see until about 5 years ago was even the good intentions of trying to do things "right" were very controlling. So I made a 180 - truly. Kids saw it, friends and family saw it. I got my priorities straight about the fact that the most important thing was my relationship with H and my need to do a better job respecting him and really listening and collaborating.

Problem was...H had by this point entered the MLC tunnel and all of the "good" work we had been doing was a charade. He was involved in sexually addictive or compulsive behavior and he had been lying his way through MC.

I have struggled today - since the separation 4 months ago - with the fact that where we are today is NOT my fault. His choices, his illness, his problems have caused such detachment from me and the family - I'm now working on forgiving myself for the controlling behavior and recognizing that I did not give up on the marriage. I am standing - just from a loving distance (thanks Brooklyn).