Should I Tell Her To Move Back.....?

[TimeHeals]

How can you recommit with someone your not friends with?

What do you want me to tell you?

I can tell you what happened in our case. I said, "I don't want to be your friend" to the whole friends thing because I know there is no way any woman I would want to date would put up with me being friends with my ex wife.

So we skipped that and went to dating (actually, I dropped the "not going to be your friend" bomb, and I went dark for a couple of weeks despite a lot of phone calls and emails).

Now we are piecing things back together slowly. So?

[konfuseeed]

Yeah, I'm with Time. Same happened to me.

There was no "friends" phase.

We went straight from no contact to an exclusive relationship.

Now, that doesn't mean were husband and wife again. We still live apart. We don't wear our rings, but were also exclusively "dating" each other right now.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

OK, I value your input TH and K.

I must be confused about the term friendship.
I decided I wouldnt be my W's friend during this process and if it comes to D I will continue those feelings. She will just be considered my kids mom to me.

Did you both go from NC to going out on a date after the "talk"?

We haven't had the talk yet and I will not be the one to intiate it.

I want to do what works.

[gutwrenching]

This shows every sitch is different.
There was a friendship phase with us...but probably not textbook. OM was still in picture, but the friendship phase started to put some doubt in WAW's mind. Eventually it helped show her what she was throwing away...

The I don't know if you can love me the way I need to be loved...yep I heard that one too in almost those same words more than once. Someone else hit it on the head though...that is part of the fog, that is part of the WAS in limbo land not sure if they can love and be loved the way they want because of what's going in the alien brain...

[TimeHeals]

Did you both go from NC to going out on a date after the "talk"?

We tried dating first after 7 weeks of darkness, then she pitched the "friends" thing because she didn't "feel" what she wanted to feel, then I went dark for about 2 weeks, she got upset I didn't want to be her friend, then I spoke to her long enough for her to ask me out (and I was not really so sure doing anything was a good idea), and she asked if it was OK that we not date other people.

Then romance/honeymoon period, and things are generally on coarse, but stuff does come up, and sometimes there are challenges still, and the story is not over;it's just not filled with negative drama, and stuff gets dealth with if it comes up now.

PS. I don't and never did buy into these terms "fog" and "alien". I think they are condescending and innaccurate. Just because somebody checks out of a relationship doesn't mean they are neccessarily in a fog or have turned into an alien, and that's all that has really happened: they don't feel love for you. Be honest about it.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

The I don't know if you can love me the way I need to be loved...yep I heard that one too in almost those same words more than once. Someone else hit it on the head though...that is part of the fog, that is part of the WAS in limbo land not sure if they can love and be loved the way they want because of what's going in the alien brain...

That's good to know they ALL go through this.

This would explain her actions not to want to talk about R. If she does know what she wants, how can she go get it.

During your convo when she made the attempt to say she wanted to work on us, I asked her what made her happy? She didn't know and I told her to find out what does.

Then that weekend she said she should finish reading the book before we talk and I said theat would be a geat idea. I also added: Find out what you want and how your going to achieve it.

That's where we are now three weeks later.

[TimeHeals]

Find out what you want and how your going to achieve it.

Find out what you want sounds good. I wouldn't ask her to lead, tough. And a little charm and wit never hurt

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I definitely need to be the one who leads us through the process. I would like to think after being here a year and reading about healthy Rs, I know more than she does.


When the time and ocasion comes for me to lead, I will do so.
Right now me doing anything for the
R just seems like pursuing.

[konfuseeed]

Gr8, in my sitch, after close to 3months of NC I reached out to my wife initially to talk about divorcing. One thing led to another while we were talking and she asked me out to the movies.

I thought that was kinda a weird, so I suggested we just go out for drinks one night.


We did.


We've been "dating" ever since that night.


The friendship is building on its own during this time.

It's almost like when you first meet a girl you like and start dating her. You don't tell her you need to be friends first before you date... You just date, and the friendship grows naturally during that time.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

after close to 3months of NC I reached out to my wife initially to talk about divorcing. One thing led to another while we were talking and she asked me out to the movies.

I am in the same situation you were, I was the one who decided to move forward with the legal stuff. After mediation was when I got the call from her stating she was having doubts about D.

It's almost like when you first meet a girl you like and start dating her. You don't tell her you need to be friends first before you date... You just date, and the friendship grows naturally during that time.

I see your point here. It makes sense to me now.

So here are my dilemas:

1.I know I need to lead but can't intiate R talk.

2.She had a hard time communicating what she wants and needs from me and it apears she still does.