New Here

[Albuquerque]

Shantilly,

I encourage you to read other people's threads. You may not feel like you have much to offer right now, but hearing other stories, seeing how others approach situations and seeing what happens is invaluable. It'll help you figure out how to approach your own situation.

[ShantillyLace]

Hi Al, I am reading, most probably more than I should be LOL.

Journaling
Just as my girls and I were heading out the door he turned up said a quick hello and kept going. the girls asked if he wanted to go but he refused although i did say I didn't think he would want to go to these markets (they are local).
He did refuse after asking which ones they were.

When we got home he was really quite chatty and asking me for a fair bit of help. And he stayed much later then he intended.
he got cranky with the car but I refused to take it personally as I would have done once.
I had a real Ah Ha moment, he is able to get cranky and I don't have to wear it. For some reason I always used to take it personally but not any more.

i kinda felt a little down thinking of all the times we went four wheel driving and camping in that car (4wd)
Something I enjoyed being a passenger in. And now I don't have the vehicle for it anyway. i tried to go camping as we have a camper trailer but it is too big and heavy for me to set up. So H has it at his place.

Maybe I could save up and by a caravan.

just a little flat tonight.

[ShantillyLace]

So I thought about a lot last night.
I remembered the hurt I had when it all first started, the devastation.
And you know the funny thing was the woman he took off with wasn't even young only a couple of years younger then me. She acts young though LOL.
I know how she got him and that he was ready and that I wasn't there for him as well.
But someitmes I wonder why he stays with her.
She parties, he doesn't, she drinks, he doesn't in fact when she does he brings the girls home as her behaviour.. he doesn't want them round her.
there are other things and it does my head in as to why. Well did. I try not to think about it. She obviously does something at preset.
It's hard.
Part of his reasoning to leave was the fact i had left 9 years ago and he had been waiting all that time for me to leave. So my 180 is to let him know I am here.
A simple text every morning of hi.
no more than that. i don't expect anything back.
but I sometimes feel it could be pushing or cake eating. Though i don't think so.
When I did stop for a little while he became extremely upset and was unreasonably terrified (note not angry) that I was going to move away and steal the kids and he would never have them and so i went back to texting.
he always asks more questions and i try to keep it short and sweet always friendly.
I detach as best I can but I worry. And i am better than i was 6 months ago.
I told him that I will wait but I will live my life and that I love him moer than he'll ever know.

The other night he was here for tea and he stayed after the girls had gone to bed he was just sitting next to me watching Tv. He was rubbing his neck and without thought I reached over and just kneaded where he is sore. I then stopped and didn't do anything more.

as he was leaving he stopped by the door and looked at me, it was a terrible look full of pain and anguish. the one where you just wish you could hold them and make it all better for them. He just said to me You need to know i do love you.
I nodded and said yes i do and i love you too.

That was the last time i spoke it to him. I have received a text or 2 that I repy to but part of my detachment is not to say it first.
I don't see him today but i still can't escape as I took my girls on a picnic and they wanted to text daddy a picture I took of them so i did. I let him know it was from the girls saying "the girls thought you may want to see this"

Lord give me strength

[are you kidding]

Just checking in, been reading your thread.

Sorry you're here, but you have great people here looking out for you.

[Truegritter]

but I sometimes feel it could be pushing or cake eating.

Detachment takes time.

It also happens in layers IMO. You are in the first stage.

Which is the hardest.

I tell people that your pain is actually your friend.

it will guide you to the place of detachment where you can be calm

And begin the real work on yourself.

It is letting go and it can be scary but really

I can tell you that it is also letting go of old ideas about your marriage and

about love. It reveals the kind of love that can heal the pain caused by this tragedy in your life.

For you and your H.

I can tell you that I used to send texts or I what I would tell myself was non intrusive/ non painful communications to W.

Then I realized I needed to let even that go to detach completely.

You'll know. The sooner you let go the sooner you will feel better and move toward your own journey.

When you're ready. Everyone must detach and at their own pace.

Keep going.

You can do this.

[ShantillyLace]

hmm,
I think i need to cut the Hi texts.
No actually i know I need to stop but when I tried like I said the absolute stress/panic attack from him blind sided me
Have only seen this once before when i left him.
i will figure out how.
This evening he texted me. Nothing exciting just about business that he really didn't need to deal with.
He hasn't done that for a while.
He doesn't normally communicate with me once he is with her.
Tomorrow i am going to an art gallery. Something i never would have done when H was around.
Don't know whether I will like it or not but how about I just go find out? LOL
Opportunities galore await me.

TG I am so much calmer now then I used to be. I went and sought out counselling and found atechnique that allows me to deal with the pain.
I can honestly say for the first time in a long time and longer than this has been going on I feel like me. I hit rock bottom about a month ago, just not thinking I could go on. i did and with the techniques I learned I am in a much better place to start working on me.
I have been doing more for myself and my girls and not letting him change the plans like I used to at one point.

It doesn't happen anymore.
I will get stronger and I will take it as slowly as I need to.
a lifetime of habit doesn't disappear overnight but it will happen LOL

[kissak]

Thanks for the welcome kissak I will be reading your story a little more as well. But did you keep ML with your H or did you stop after a while? I have tried to stop once but we just seem to both fall on each other if we go for more than 4 weeks.

Same here...I tried to stop, but it seemed as if we always fell back together. I honestly felt as if he wanted me more when we werent together. IT was easier. No pressure I guess. But what this opened my eyes up to was how easily he would lie to the OW about it, or how he would sneak around behind her back. He was practially living with the OW about walking distance from my house. He would leave her house after she went to work, then come see me...she would have NO idea. I wonder if he is doing the same to me now. Its hard not to wonder. Its hard to trust him.

Be careful Shantilly

[ShantillyLace]

yep kissak having the same thoughts abuot the lies. at present he has difficulty hiding lies but if he gets practice...
I am trying to rearrange things so the opportunity for that type of behaiour is minimised LOL.
I was working nights throughout the week but if I stop those then that time when he stays over well they disappear.
It will also make him face the relationship he is in with the OW more. At present it is like an escape for him. He gets away from her for a night throughout the week.
I am going to start looking at ways of minimising time he is at home here as well.
I mean he was here all weekend.
I spose part of me fears that he'll want to do something about the house. I live in it I am paying for it, but when something was raised a while ago he wants to buy it and move me out!
part of me says that would be good, fresh start blah blah blah.
another part goes this is MY home. I decorated it I chose it I have a great support system here.
I think that I would prefer to stay.
I just don't want to fight.

[ShantillyLace]

I have noticed something on the boards.
Those who returned early seem to have problems down the line where those who returned later seem to be holding together better IF the LBS wanted them back.
So time is our friend in this case and although hard you don't want them home early or rushed no matter how much we dream it.

[punkin]

Perfect analysis! My H had a mini MLC 8 years ago, never left more than three days, and although it lasted almost a year, it was interrupted by his being deployed to Iraq. Now, after 8 basically happy years, here we are again with a vengence, and twice as hurtful.