Still needing some encouragement

[kissak]

Thank you Shantilly. I wonder about my strength here lately though.

Last night when I got home, My H and I went to bed and watched a little tv. He wanted sex of course, well he wanted me to do everything I should say (sorry, lol)Well, he asked me if when I looked at him if I "wanted him". Well, I paused for a minute. BAD IDEA. I told him that yes, I wanted him when I looked at him. He said I took too long to think about that, so I said that it was very hard for me to be intimate with him when he wouldnt even kiss me. He said nothing. I told him how I didnt like how he treated me...in the bedroom. He said it was just to get a reaction out of me and that he always got the reaction he expected (not the one he wanted but expected). OK, I walk out of the room just a little upset, but didnt let him know that. I came back into the room and he wanted to continue with the sex, it was like he didnt hear anything I said. He wants from me, but what I want...doesnt matter. I have told him how him NOT kissing me hurts me, yet he continues to turn his cheek the other way. BUT he wants me to keep DOING for him...with feeling??

OK, how can I make it any clearer that I am attracted to my H physically, but NOT emotionally? Could anyone be attracted to someone who treats them badly? I cant. He doesnt get it. Im trying not to feel bad for saying what I said, for hurting his feelings by making him think Im not attracted to him....but, to me, he is an ugly person right now. I cant help it.

What sucks is that he is sitting around all day long thinking IM THE ONE making HIM unhappy. OK, that may be how he feels, but does how he treats me NOT supposed to affect how I TREAT HIM?

Just trying to sort this out in my head. BUT then again, maybe im giving it too much room in my head.