How about your friends? I reconnected with several old friends from a previous job of mine that I had kept in touch with, and it has been great improving my friendships with them. There is a guy I work with too who I will go have a beer with once a week or so, go golfing with on occassion, etc. If you can, use this time to at least establish or re-establish your MALE friendships. If anyone invites you to go do something, ANYTHING that is productive and mildly interesting, do it!
Do it for you, and don't think about her.
Do it for you, and don't worry if it is enough to make her notice.
Do it for you, because that's how you'd want to live your life, meeting new people and gaining new experiences along side them.
Do it for you, because that's what made you attractive to not just her but to YOURSELF back around the time you met her.
Do it for you to take your mind off things.
Just do things for you. Everything you listed off, while they sounds like they may be helpful, are either things you HAVE to do, or sound like chores. That is a big reason why you are having such a hard time with this. Obviously your kids a re paramount but I didn't read one thing you were doing that was FUN! Just have some fun, doing what you like to do.
TG just posted something I never thought of before, and it really helped me as I struggle to come to peace with everything in my sitch. Your wife has given you the gift of time to re-invent you. By all means, use it!
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
The only thing that worked for me with the mind reading was to bluntly state, "No, that is not what I am thinking or feeling, and I am getting a little tired of having somebody tell me what I think and feel".
Then I went dark for a while, and she called and called, and then we had the "why exes cannot be buddies" speech.
From there, things have been rebuilding. It's not easy stuff, but you have to remain grounded, stand up for yourself and what is right, and you have to KNOW that you are going to be better off by yourself than being married to somebody who is not committed to the marriage.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 10/18/1012:43 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Well, Met with L today and she stated in PA an A has no bearing on the outcome of the D, custody, or finances. That's good to know now. I just wasted time, energy, and mental abuse on myself. Good job HIL. LOL. Now on to next step. I need to protect myself from W getting primary custody of kids. The law in PA states a 50-50 custody. That is if both parents are at least seeing the kids and has them stay with each parent 40% of the time. I am not, the kids stay with me or are in my presence 30% of time according to L. She recommended me moving back into the house. I am moving home tonight. I am putting my kids before my M, I know that, but my kids will be a part of my life no matter what happens with M. I will continue to work on myself and detach but I will follow L advise.
The L also told me that W stands much more to lose in the D than I do. L wants me to wait and not do anything. L told me the W needs to do all the work, either with the M or D. If she wants the M to end then W should move out and she could lose ground on custody for kids. The chips are stacked against W.
I will journal on here to let everyone know how W takes me moving back in and the cousre W takes. Here starts a long road down an unlite path. I will look here for advise and opinions.
Thank you in advance and for the strength all have imparted on me. I feel that having been on here has helped me to prepare for myself.
HopelessIn Love
M and W:33 Kids M-10 ILYBNIL-4/2/10 Sep: 8/20/10 Back into house: 10/18/10
It looks like the trip to the L was worth it. Move back in! The kids are always the #1 priority!
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
I have not read your thread in detail, but I think I have the idea. For now, my advice is to work at showing a calmer, more relaxed presence. Don't try to defend yourself (if you try to do that all the time) and don't try to win every battle. Your W is the angry one but she's trying to throw up on you. The best thing you can do now is to agree with what she says. You don't even have to verbalize anything, just nod your head. Look deep into her eyes to let her know you are really......REALLY listening to her. If she is way out of line, then say, "I'm sorry you feel that way", and then get the heck out of her presence.
Smile and wave....smile and wave.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Had a long talk last night. And then she confronted me again this morning.
She had every emotion in the book. It was quite a roller coaster. I was ready for it though. I stayed calm and relaxed and stood my ground for most everything. The L said she would feel manipulated by this move and W stated that. I did agree with her and then stood my ground on the decision. I have a lot to say about the sitch. It is definitely a game changer, but How?
On a good note it was good to be in my house again with the kids and the stranger (alien) of a W.
Filling in blanks later.
HopelessIn Love
M and W:33 Kids M-10 ILYBNIL-4/2/10 Sep: 8/20/10 Back into house: 10/18/10
About a month ago, discussed with W about coming home. She threatened a L if I came back. I got the impression I should look into protecting myself. Spoke to L and she stated I move back in because of losing 50-50 custody of kids. I moved back in without discussing this time. W was over-whelmed and she spouted off that "don't you think we should have discussed before you did this." I referenced the discussion a month ago. She denies that we had that conversation. "I don't remember."
W continues to talk about trusting me. W best friend a number of years ago went through a very nasty D and she trusted her H up until D was final. She then had a tragic event in her life this past Christmas with her father's death within 2 months of a diagnosis of cancer, and my W tried to help her the best she could. My W empathized with her sadness and then W started to go through the pain her friend was going through. Now that GF has been telling her things and is validating W in feeling like she should not trust me. I know I am over thinking, but just annoyed at her GF.
I brought up trust to W. I told her that I know of the other phone she now has and is calling OM. She did say that the talk and that was it. I asked if she had feelings for this OM and she deflected by saying he has a serious GF/fiance and they are trying to figure out the next step in there R. I know the truth that she has feelings for him.
I gave her information that the L gave me. If she continues to need to find something to trust me about. I told her that if she wants to lose some custody of kids that move out and then file for D the courts would side with me on the kids. She then stated I am triying to pin her with no options but to stay in the relationship. I told her that she was free to do whatever she wants. It is her life.
Then she started to ask me about myself. W- You have been so secretive I don't know who you are anymore. I said if you want to know what is going on with me than you can ask me. And that is what she did. I did ask her questions about her but did not ask for specifics, except about OM.
W was so tired that she feel asleep on the couch at 9 pm for an hour. She had a lot of school work to do, though. I did not wake her. I am not going to be responsible for her. I did some laundry of mine and kids, and then ironed. W woke up and lit into about what I was doing. She got ready for bed and I said good night, finished my things, and slept on the couch.
This morning got up at my normal 5:20 to work out and then got ready for my day. I was done getting ready when W returned from her workout. Again she started into me. About what I am doing now has never been like me. You never used to do this or that. And now you are?? I guess one night she my be seeing things and is really confused now.
Staying calm, working on myself, focusing on the kids, and GAL.
I am controlling what I can control.
HopelessIn Love
M and W:33 Kids M-10 ILYBNIL-4/2/10 Sep: 8/20/10 Back into house: 10/18/10
