Going Dark, Gaining Strenght

[NotFromThesePart]

Jin,

Bravo! I am impressed by your strength. I hope I can do the same in the future.

We are pulling for you!

[JinBK]

Ok, another thank you to everyone!

The tapes - I'm not going to play them for anyone else. Just my parents who helped me (stepmom is a lawyer - she's good at listening to things like that and getting to the important stuff) otherwise I discuss them with my counselor and friends, but that's it.

I should check out MarrigeAdvocats, too.

I understand that this is the anti-DB way, but I am going to speak with a lawyer and file for D. H4L - I think this is the only way to break the fantasy. I think that it's like as long as I'm still in the picture he doesn't have to commit to her fully. Me pulling out of MC so quickly screwed up his plans.

[JinBK]

HA! Uncle emailed me with a request from H! It's about the car for a conference on Saturday at another nearby college.

I give him props for following the rules.

Now, I just have to figure out how to say no. I have so many snarky ways to do it, but I need something mature....

[Starsky309]

How about "I'm sorry, Uncle, but that won't work for me. He'll have to make other arrangements this time."

However, i dunno, if he's following the "rules" for the first time, maybe you want to say "Yes" this time, even if it's just to try to encourage him to do that again? Just an idea.

Starsky

M 38
W 37
S 8
D 7

[JinBK]

I ended up simply saying "H cannot have the car"

I realized I already explained that I was going to keep the car because I have no other access to vehicles and he does - his aunt who lives in the house has 2 cars and no one else drives. So, he can borrow hers. To me, there was no other explanation needed.

Had dinner with SIL yesterday. She is extremely upset. I never really realized how dysfunctional WH's family is. I started thinking about all the bad behavior that is tolerated from all the males. Meanwhile, SIL is speaking out saying she doesn't like OW coming to the house and they are telling her she has to straighten out her attitude.

I gave her a bunch of WH's stuff that he left in the car or I found amongst things that I took when I moved. I gave him back his HS ring - I found it at MIL's house a few years ago and I liked to wear it for fun sometimes. To me, it felt a little symbolic to give it back to him.

I am finally feeling a sense of calm most of the time. I have had time to reflect on what I want. I don't know what my future holds, but I do know what I won't accept anymore.

[pearlharbr]

I ended up simply saying "H cannot have the car"

I realized I already explained that I was going to keep the car because I have no other access to vehicles and he does - his aunt who lives in the house has 2 cars and no one else drives. So, he can borrow hers. To me, there was no other explanation needed.

Excellent! Well done, keep up the good work.

[Vulcanized]

Ok, another thank you to everyone!

The tapes - I'm not going to play them for anyone else. Just my parents who helped me (stepmom is a lawyer - she's good at listening to things like that and getting to the important stuff) otherwise I discuss them with my counselor and friends, but that's it.

I should check out MarrigeAdvocats, too.

I understand that this is the anti-DB way, but I am going to speak with a lawyer and file for D. H4L - I think this is the only way to break the fantasy. I think that it's like as long as I'm still in the picture he doesn't have to commit to her fully. Me pulling out of MC so quickly screwed up his plans.

Jin, I wish I had done this. I'm not saying this is what you should or shouldn't do, just that I wish that I had done this. I, too, suspect that perhaps that would've snapped some sense into H. Whether or not that is the case is purely speculative at this point. Ultimately this is a decision that you need to make. I'm just saying that in my sitch, I regret not having taken a much harder line much quicker.

The way you've handled this is very similar to how I've handled my sitch. The major diff is that mine is now in month 13 & no visible end on the horizon. I think you are doing a great job DB'ing - whether for solely you or to R M. Either way, you win.

Hang tough. You can do it.

[Butterfly1]

Yep, Jin, me too. I'm filing for D and for full custody. Let them have their fanstasy. It does change the dynamic with us out of the picture. And the sense of calm from no contact is amazing.

[Vulcanized]

Yep, Jin, me too. I'm filing for D and for full custody. Let them have their fanstasy. It does change the dynamic with us out of the picture. And the sense of calm from no contact is amazing.

Thumbs up to that!

[lovehurts]

Amen to all of the above! I don't regret No Contact or Filing for D. I don't know how it works in your states but a full D here takes over a year. This certainly gives the chance for the fantasy to start wearing off in the A, doesn't it? My H tried to get me to agree to a disillusionment. No way was I going to give him a quick and cheap way out! Right now, everything is frozen. He's painted himself into a corner and there's no way out for several months at best. Once the D starts moving forward, things might change a little.

Jin, Stay strong! Once again, I feel I'm right there with you. This NC (for me it's only S related - all other correspondence has to go through L) has allowed me to feel a tremendous amount of strength. I see you are gaining it too! I know you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Surround yourself with people who know that as well.

Keep up the great work!