feelings as OW seems to be on way out

[forward]

Well, former ILs came by and were very cool to me. I did feel rather hurt by this, although I am trying not to let it bother me as I am telling myself that they are worried about X. I decided to be better person; I was kind and had D make him some crafts and wrote him a letter. I even sent over pics, and I might send over books when he is feeling better. But it wasn't as if they were wondering how I was. Former FIL didn't even come to door and former MIL didn't even say hello when I opened the door.

New Guy was there when they returned. We were in fact, uh, not answering the door because we didn't hear the bell. I did not introduce him and he stayed in back. Next time I will introduce him. Perhaps from their perspective, I am the mean one for going and getting a BF while their S is sick...but it's been over three years now.

I realized this event is pulling my heart strings as I do find myself worried about X and missing him. I think I do need to be honest w/New Guy about this. Missing him doesn't mean I would get back together w/him but I do feel that I need to tell New Guy that this does stir some emotions.

ILs did hurt, though, because it brought back some of the feelings of being rejected by them. I have on occasion sent pictures and that sort of thing and have basically been cut out of their lives.

[forward]

I also realized that remaining detached in difficult circumstances requires some effort.

I'm trying to tell myself that X's situation, while it matters from a human perspective, doesn't matter to our R at all.

[forward]

X is still in ICU and former ILs do not give much info. I did volunteer to bring D over as needed and have called daily to see how he is doing.

Again, situation is tugging at me. However, I am doing well to remember the following:

-My feelings are less important than him getting better right now.
-Anything uttered during this time is fairly meaningless.
-D's feelings matter here, too.
-Love and pity aren't the same thing.
-I'm now in another R with someone I do care deeply about.

[forward]

X is still not doing well but it sounds as if he is at least more stable.

My feelings are have wavered some and I do find myself missing X and wishing that I could be there for him. Again, I do realize this is a weak spot for me now.

Part of me has wondered if X ever loved me. This has brought up so many emotions.

[TRUSTING]

I can't imagine what you are going through. How difficult of a situation, but you seem to be very rational in you thinking. I personally would not visit my ex in this situation unless he asked me to. I would perhaps send a card or a plant indicating this. If you need me type of thing.....
How awkward of a situation. I also want to say that I would guess that your ex is having a lot of feelings about you at this time also.

[forward]

X is back at home. Tomorrow I am taking D to see him but I do not think that he wants to see me. I think it will be a matter of dropping off D and then leaving.

I don't think he does have any feelings about me at this time. He sounds better now on the phone and seems as disinterested as ever.

I sent a get well card and I had D write him letters, and I actually bought him a funny DVD but now I am not sure if I should give it to him. I guess I will but in retrospect the card was probably enough.

This whole situation made me pause, but I am with New Guy now.

I think OW was around for a while but I am fairly sure she is not here now. I could be wrong, though.

[forward]

Because I feel bad for X (who nearly died), I am finding that feelings are still stirring. I am trying to separate feelings of pity from feelings of still caring about him.

I didn't actually visit w/X but I did bring him the DVD. Which he actually thanked me for (not at the time but later). His apt, which I was in only once, is filled w/photos of OW and him. Still.

OW doesn't seem to be around any more, although I think she was around for at least part of this crisis.

I may have to be more open about how I am feeling w/New Guy because I do realize I am holding myself back with him because of how I am feeling. I will have to remain detached here.

[cagzmom]

sweet forward.
it makes sense that feelings would stir and get out of wack.

you are moving on - but you were connected to this man, he is the father of your child and you loved him.

before you talk to new man.. let your heart rest and be still. in a way you came to another level of acceptance... you are growing... you are moving forward and you are amazing.

thank you for sharing your heart.

[braveheart]

Forward, if I were you, I would take a 2nd look at the relationship with the guy you are with. I'm not sure you are ready for a relationship.

[forward]

Cagz, that was good advice. I did opt not to say anything to New Guy as this has been an emotional time. I may say something to him later on, when I feel less stirred up. Already I am feeling less stirred up, and I am in fact starting to get annoyed w/X as I feel that X will take advantage of me if he can.

As it is, I feel that the R w/New Guy has progressed slowly--partly for practical reasons as it is hard for us to get together because of time issues. That is probably a good thing for both of us right now.

However, I do note that OW is back at least for a while; I guess I should not make the assumption that she is out of the picture, although I wish to heck she would disappear from X's life altogether so she doesn't have the influence on D that she does.

ILs--I realized I feel a certain need to have their interest and approval. I am thinking that I need to get over that as well. This situation stirred up some feelings on my end as having them treat me as they did hurt my feelings some, given that I had not seen them in some years.

So many people have been hurt.