Not a good Saturday. Kids were fighting/rebellious to start, neither W nor I were on the same page with them. After things settled down we went shopping for clothes, which was fine. Got home, started doing laundry, planning the week's meals, and other chores.
During a break in the action, W mentioned something about my sister, whom she works with. W has issues about how she thinks my side of the family views her, and I tried to lead her here in dealing with it. Did a good job, validated, made her know my feelings, that I support her. Then she started talking about being financially secure, saying "You may think it's shallow of me to be concerned with money..." I validated really well here, and it seemed to be going well.
Then it got out of control, and I couldn't delay her about talking about the R. We started talking about me leaving again which got her all melty wife. I wasn't as detached as I was the other night, because I hadn't prepared myself for talking about it today.
I told her my plans about moving out, about our finances, about custody stuff, everything. She seemed really disappointed when I said that I wasn't sure I could be friends with her; I could be friendly, cordial, civil, but I didn't know if I could do more than that.
She asked if I'd be able to come over and have dinners as a family, play Monopoly, etc. I said that might not be the best idea for me or the girls, as it'd confuse them. That the time I spent with them might be better just me and them.
I wasn't strong. I was (am) wracked by doubts, and they showed. W just wants our family to stay intact for the girls sake, at least til we've paid off our debt. Kept saying "I'll do anything you want" meaning sex. I told her that I really understood how she felt in June when she wanted to leave; the guilt, the doubt, the fear of making the worst mistake in your life.
Didn't sleep very well. Both worried about the girls, and worried about each other.
Now I look at my budget, and can't see how I thought I could afford an apt while keeping the house for the girls. The money just isn't there! My whole goal of keeping my daughters in the only home they've known is evaporating.
If they weren't so tight, my suggestion would be to take yourself and the kids and go do some inexpensive weekend trip (go see some cheap touristy crap: zoos, caves, etc--something 200 miles or less away), and stop thinking about this for a bit. Sometimes... if you can't solve a problem that you are obsessing over, it's time to take a break from it.
And leaving your wife alone (without the kids) would give her some time to think about something else too.
I'm thinking your wife wants to try, but you need to lead, but everybody is tied up in the present struggle, and you both need a little shift in perspective.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 10/17/1012:01 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I'll have to think about selling our house. We could afford two decent appts with CS and alimony for her. Not as good for the girls as a really nice house, but sometimes life doesn't work out the way you plan...
I really feel for you man. I am in the same position, not that I wanted to let W stay in the house with the kids, but I was hoping that I might be able to. Not enough equity for either of us to buy the other out and refi, plus, the payments are too high for it to make sense. We will likely both be renting too. Although I will be renting a house. I don't know what W is going to do.
Good luck man. This all makes me sick. All you can do is the best you can do. I know that you will do fine for you and your kids.
I guess it was just a fantasy to be able to keep our house. Part of me probably thought that I'd be moving back in eventually. Not detached...
So now I have to figure out how soon we can sell, when to put it on the market, and so forth. I'm sure that'll change her feelings, as she'll have to be uprooted as well. So I expect either spew, or more of her "I'll do anything" to try and get me to stay. Or anger at our finances.
But I've also realized our debt isn't (cash-flow wise) a really big issue. It's about a car payment a month, so having it all paid off won't make a huge diff in our finances. It's just that we've got a house that almost requires two incomes.
Man what a horrible night. Clouded my judgement completely, made me realize how little I've detached. Even worrying about my kids in a panic mode. I knew I didn't have the energy to handle the situation, but I still fell into it. Sigh. Coach was right on.
Now I'm much better. Looked over the finances, saw where I can squeeze blood from a stone, and I can still move out by Nov 5. It'll be awfully tight, but once we sell our house, much better. Neither of us will be living like kings, but at least I'll be out.
She's not going to like the idea of selling the house and moving into an apartment, but I don't like it either. Life doesn't always work out the way you plan...
Just because you sometimes "feel" a certain way doesn't make it so... Feelings change..
Quit worrying about this "detached" nonsense..(I'm detached, I am not detached, I thought I was detached, I now am detached, I guess I am not detached...) That is all silly self talk that will get you nowhere fast. ACTION speaks. Doesn't matter what you feel or think.. Just follow your plan and keep emotionally disciplined.
