ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I'm headed straight down the divorce track. I have a first court appearance on 11/5 at 2:00pm.
I do not want this, there's no getting off the hook this time around. H actions and choices have left me...no choice.
I have reached a place of total acceptance and have let him go.
I feel (at least 23 1/2 out of my 24 hours every day) that I want out of this so-called marriage so bad I can't wait til it's over. It could be done as early as March 2011 if I keep my motivation and intent and get the paperwork done on time.
H wants us to be friends. I am struggling to be friends. We have no contact with each other to speak of....I don't know why we even bother with the so-called friendship idea. Friends make contact with each other.
I'm tired Rabbit....
This is actually Beatrice thread. I need to start my own again, I'll probably do that today...It will be nice to be able to post the divorce goings on for support.
I think I'll start it in "Divorced, But Not Done" Forum (????)
(((Hugs))) and thanks for checking on me...
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I don't really feel it is 'my' thread you know. just somewhere for people to drop in. Which is to say, all welcome, as long as we play nicely in the sandbox {which we do]
FWIW I think that MLC is a good forum to be in even post divorce. We understand each other, all having been in the same boat, and for too long.
I do think many MLCers feel the divorce wipes the slate clean. There seem to be two basic approaches in MLC to divorce. One is to go for it as soon and as quickly as possible, and 'move on', but continue to do strange things that no person who simply wanted to end their marriage and start over with someone else would contemplate.
The other type of divorce seems to happen quite a bit later in the crisis, although the MLCer may well have been talking about it for a good while. I think they want to feel an end to the guilt and conflict, and instead of working on themselves they seek yet another external fix. What do others think? My h has actually said that he thinks that once we are divorced we could start over . . . . which is strange thinking to me. I was being argumentative, which isn't wise with a MLCer, but we are only human after all, and said I did not see it that way. Divorce ended any legal right that he might have to contact me, and that it was a high risk strategy. There was a lot of silence after that.
FWIW I think that MLC is a good forum to be in even post divorce. We understand each other, all having been in the same boat, and for too long.
Agreed! This is where your friends are, this is the group that best understands what led you to D.
Originally Posted By: beatrice
I do think many MLCers feel the divorce wipes the slate clean.
My H even used these words when explaining D to me.
Originally Posted By: beatrice
The other type of divorce seems to happen quite a bit later in the crisis, although the MLCer may well have been talking about it for a good while. I think they want to feel an end to the guilt and conflict, and instead of working on themselves they seek yet another external fix. What do others think?
This is where we are right now after 3 years of separation. H started talking financial settlement in the early days but no mention of D. Lately there's talk of both and although I give him every opportunity to take care of it he takes no action. It's an interesting thought that it's an external fix, Beatrice....yet another one eh?
Originally Posted By: beatrice
My h has actually said that he thinks that once we are divorced we could start over . . . . which is strange thinking to me. I was being argumentative, which isn't wise with a MLCer, but we are only human after all, and said I did not see it that way. Divorce ended any legal right that he might have to contact me, and that it was a high risk strategy. There was a lot of silence after that.
Another conversation H and I have had twice in recent times.
Beatrice, The mlcer does believe that a divorce will wipe the slate clean and they can start anew. They do forget one thing...divorce makes things a bit difficult when attempting to start anew. They tend to forget that not only are they attempting to wipe the slate clean by leaving us and cutting all ties, but that they have also made every attempt to leave their pasts behind...it can't be done entirely....they don't realize that for a very long time, if ever.
The slower ones do tend to mull over divorce for a very long time. They will drag their feet and say that we are the ones holding up the process. When they do finally do something about a divorce, so much damage has happened, thaty they do not think it can ever be made right once again.
Bottom line, these divorce seeking folks do not ever stop and think that if they work hard enough at the situation, it can be repaired, nor do they want to look within and figure out that the problem is within themselves.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Like many of those here, my h has called a halt to the divorce proceedings twice already.
Not only are they seeing an external fix with the divorce, but for many, it seems the process itself takes on a life of its own. He has paused it twice, and then restarted it, because as Snodderly has pointed out, he is still reluctant to do the work required to sort out the marriage and himself. However, I do not think he really wants the divorce. I think he wants to wake up one morning and find that everything is Ok.
Because that isn't happening - I call it magical thnking - then divorce seems like the easier option, in theory. It is the practicalities they don't like, like providing the documentation, and being questioned by the judge about what exactly happened to that very large chunk of money, and so on. It is about reality which they are still avoiding.
So yesterday I receive a leter from my lawyer, in which the other side are asking for a delay to our next court date [my husband has already stayed proceedings twice while blaming me for the delay - we have been at the divorce stage now for two years]. Apparently they need some more informaton from another source, independent of us - but they have had at least 6 monhs to obtain this. Oh, and in his lawyer's letter they want to make it clear that they are as anxious to move the timetable along as we are . . . . hmmmm. My internal voice was saying Oh yeah?
My lawyer was all for pushing things along, as she has reminded them repeatedly of the impending court date, and the need to be ready for it, since it was agreed back in June. However I have asked her to agree to their request for a delay (which we may not get). I still think he is in two minds about what he wants. Whatever he decides I am OK with now, which is a good place to be. There really is no point in rushing everything for the sake of a few weeks more when it has been going on for so long. [I am now 5 and a half years into full MLC behavaviour and a furhter 2-3 years of increasing depression and withdrawal prior to that. So not quite a newbie.
But this behaviour seems typical of so many MLCers. They push for divorce, then they delay, while saying it is us/external circumstances causing the delays.
It truly is a very long process. Patience, hope and long suffering are the keys to this, whatever the ultimate outcome. I want my h to be ahppy and healed more than I want a relationship with him. It is pitiful to see him like this, unhappy, alienated and separated from his children. Our relationship I missed greatly, and still do, but I have moved a long way since then. We have to deal with all the hurt and pain and then we reach a place of calm, and unconditional and undemanding love, and gratidiufe for what we had and still have.. Of course I am not always in that place, but it where I want to be, as it feels good to me.
