Now Separated

[AntoniaB]

Sunny my H said a lot of the same stuff the day he packed to leave. My H to this day claims that there wasn't sex before he left, but that he couldn't control himself with the OW and said that out of "respect for me he was leaving before it got to that point." But he blamed me for all the problems, even down to saying that a major fight we had, that that very week was when he noticed the OW for the first time. I mean he admits that he only turned to her because our rel. had problems, but he acted like I caused all of them by not meeting all his needs or by not understanding him enough when he was in MLC. He claims he is no longer in MLC now, which I do not believe at all, and now he says that he "regrets placing all that blame on me but that he would've said anything that day to get out the door because if he hadn't said what he did I would never have let him go." This is just such twisted logic--because he always had the power to leave. But the issue for him is that he acknowleges that there wasn't a legit reason to leave me unless he could make me hate him, and then he could say that he had no choice, that he that would prove I'd never be able to forgive him.

Yes very twisted logic.

I think what it comes down to is that our H's are weak. They lack courage. They are in a second childhood or they never developed adult coping skills, and the first sign of trouble, they bail. They run away. And they know that's wrong and they know it's cowardly, so their answer to that is to turn the anger at themselves on us. It's easier to blame us for their failures than to face themselves.

So please, please don't listen to him. It's not you. It's him. I am not saying that we don't bear some responsibility for marital problems, we do, but we don't make them cheat. THEY cheat. We stand by them. They run. They betray us, not the other way around. I know how bad this is for you because I spent the first 2 months at least after my H moved out to "explore the rel. with the OW to see if that was the path he should take" by blaming myself for everything. Then I got out of that phase, and I see that I'm not to blame, but the bottom line is he is still so delusional that he thinks this affair will last, so he filed for divorce. I can't do anything but protect myself.

And that's all you can really do to, but you know, it is a lot. It doesn't sound like "much", to "just" protect yourself, but in doing so you're already doing far more than he is to fix yourself and your ability to persevere in your life and future relationships, while he's running from himself. I think every day is a struggle but every day you get through you are one little bit stronger.

My thoughts are with you.