Wanted: Large dose of patience

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I agree, do not take the paperwork to H "just to get it over with". Please don't do this....

I toyed with the thought hundreds of times....I did not.

It was only when H had me served a 2nd time and forced my hand, to have to answer his served complaint against me, that I took it upon myself to counterclaim him....In my court: H is the Plaintiff and I am the Defendant. This is H's divorce.

Let yours (if it comes to that) be H's too!!

IMO...Christmas is still a ways off....Refrain from pressuring H about your family wanting to see him again and early invites to H to spend it with you and the family. Let's see what unfolds in the next 45 days. To me it would give H ideas of your expectations and right now that would be pursuing.

I'm thinking of you every day, (((Hugs)))

Sanderika

PS...I'm zooming down the D track...I have to be in court on 11/5/10 for my initial appearance, appt is at 2:00pm (That will be a rough weekend to get through)

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I agree, do not take the paperwork to H "just to get it over with". Please don't do this....

I toyed with the thought hundreds of times....I did not.

It was only when H had me served a 2nd time and forced my hand, to have to answer his served complaint against me, that I took it upon myself to counterclaim him....In my court: H is the Plaintiff and I am the Defendant. This is H's divorce.

Let yours (if it comes to that) be H's too!!

IMO...Christmas is still a ways off....Refrain from pressuring H about your family wanting to see him again and early invites to H to spend it with you and the family. Let's see what unfolds in the next 45 days. To me it would give H ideas of your expectations and right now that would be pursuing.

I'm thinking of you every day, (((Hugs)))

Sanderika

PS...I'm zooming down the D track...I have to be in court on 11/5/10 for my initial appearance, appt is at 2:00pm (That will be a rough weekend to get through)

[dolphin_05]

Yes, Lance, I hear you and Sanderika.

Sanderika, I had no intention of mentioning Christmas, just that my parents were receptive to seeing him again...a change cos they have not been for 3 years. I'm thinking of you with the court coming up.

Tonight....weekly dinner
1. H brings wine. D comments about the wine (neither us of us have drinking issues). H jokingly replies, " You drive us both to drink, D." I note the use of 'us'

2. H invites D to go with him to the airport and to have dinner with him and his parents tomorrow night.

3. H says he is cooking a roast for parents Sunday night and invites D and I to come along. When I check the time later in the night he asks what suits me as I have work the next day

4. I suggest to H we work on his job application after dinner. He asks, "Are you sure? I know you've had a busy week. You're looking very tired. "

5. We have plenty of easy convo about variety of topics

6. H offers to take D to swimming and her massage appoint tomorrow

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I believe from what I read that your H is no longer performing
"Touch 'n Goes". I believe he is "Reconnecting".

"Reconnecting" is a precursor to Reconciliation.

Of course, NO Expections still apply due to the fragility of your H and his current "still on the fence" status.

I think it is happening, I wonder if he is aware of it or not?

Keep doing what your doing, I want one of us to reconcile...since it won't be me, I want it to be you !!

Take care, my friend and have a wonderful weekend!!

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

I've read this quite a bit on people's threads but Coach just reposted two 'gems'.

1. Four Phases
- get rid of negative feelings

- become friends again

- rekindle the romance

- re-commit to the marriage

We're heading out of phase one. I can feel the shift in energy since our 'bonfire discussion' and the follow-up airing at his house when I got the pasta sauce. We now seem to have an issue but it's more a discussion not a rip-roaring argument like days gone by and the level ground is also found much more quickly afterward. These discussions are seeming to 'clear the air a little'

Phase two, becoming friends is apparent with our weekly dinners, the ongoing help for me around the house, our drive with D and the day at swimming and our skype chats.

But will H want to keep me in phase two?

2. HALT

-hungry
-angry
-lonely
-tired

I get caught on T. When I am tired is when I get into territory I normally wouldn't. I need to keep working on recognising the tiredness signs.

Sanderika, i agree there is a re-connection. Since June H has been different. I am slowly learning that throwing out the divorce line doesn't mean it's what he's definitely going to do. I think it just means he's allowed himself to move a little bit to close for his comfort. It buys him some space and lets him pull back a little.

As for ow.....I'm not sure. Clearly she is not the great love of his life. He isn't spending any significant time with her. She's a friend with benefits. Maybe that suits them both? Maybe she provides him with another excuse for not to get too close to me. Like the divorce, the statement that he might move in with her is really a throw away line.

I'm sure H has lots of fear and guilt. Reconnecting with me means reconnecting with friends and family and that would be challenging for H. He thinks everyone will be unforgiving. I understand his trepidation but I don't think he even knows this let alone be able to articulate it at this stage.

It is interesting that I am invited to dinner with his parents at his house. I'm sure he will justify it as giving me the chance to see them but the reality is that we will catch up anyway as we have done in the past, with or without H. It will send an interesting message to his parents!

And as another interesting aside; when I went to H's the other night I had a cup of tea. He had bought some green tea which I drink and he doesn't. Obviously thinks I'll be around for a few cups of tea!

[Lost Rabbit]

sorry not been around been a mad busy week (())

On the HALT front all of those you can deal with yourself.. If you feel hes shoving you in that direction, make a plan ahead of time of what you are going to do about it.. Personally if you ever feel like that back off go a bit dim and leave him to his own devices whilst you refuel your batteries..

Ive been out GAL this week and got some thing planned next week.. H started to back track on his GAL in favour of spending time with me, but that would have only been good this weekend and ended up with him being ratty and bored during the week, so I kindly told him to get lost and go enjoy himself lol!

[dolphin_05]

This morning D, H and his parents went to breakfast. They called in here on the way back....I was busy studying so I enjoyed the break although I would have liked to be dressed in more than my tracksuit and appear a little more organised. They only stayed for a brief time as they knew I was in the middle of my assignment. While here, H grabbed my keys and unlocked the patio door, asking if he could check on the lawn area beside the pool. He did some work on that during our clean up a couple of weeks ago. Thought it was interesting that he wanted to check on it. I can see that he is more interested generally in things, including the house.

Tonight was dinner at H's place with his parents. Before we went there I was feeling a little uncomfortable, not really sure what my role was and why I was invited. I decided to be myself and if the night was uncomfortable we would just leave as soon as dinner was over.

D and I arrived just before 6. Dinner was served outside on the patio. I brought all the ingredients for dessert and came inside to do the final stages just before serving. (It was a recipe from the magazines that H found while we were at swimming.) H sat at the bench and talked to me while I got it all ready. D and H's parents were outside on the patio. He showed me how to use his stove top, rather than just doing it for me. I wondered about that.......did he think I might need to use it again sometime?

H did most of the cleaning up but then MIL and I did some together after dessert. H was obviously quite comfortable cos he let me do it where previously he has insisted on doing it all himself.

It was a really pleasant night with quite a few stories and lots of laughs. H and D were in fine form, joking and teasing. H appeared very relaxed. Finally, we left about 10.30pm.

Although it was all very pleasant I still have some discomfort cos I can't help but wonder if ow will be sitting in the same place as me next week entertaining the in-laws!

[Sanderika]

Cas,

Your day sounds wonderful!!

to see you tried one of the recipes from the magazine, I hope you all found it delicious!!

In reference to your last comment on the OW, don't do that to yourself. I want you to take comfort in what you just experienced with your H, D and his parents. It was a wonderful, memorable evening for all of you!!!

Your H being comfortable with you around his parents is a huge sign that things are progressing nicely. Another thing of huge importance is that H spent time away with you in the kitchen while his parents stayed on the patio with your D, this sent them a message that you two are reconnecting...IMO, H wanted them to see just that. He would not have paid as much single attention to you if he didn't. IMO, he would have treated you less warmly in front of them. He sent this message to them because he wanted them to see your progress!!!

This is all happening very slowly and just the way it should be.

(((Cas)))

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Your H being comfortable with you around his parents is a huge sign that things are progressing nicely. Another thing of huge importance is that H spent time away with you in the kitchen while his parents stayed on the patio with your D, this sent them a message that you two are reconnecting...IMO, H wanted them to see just that. He would not have paid as much single attention to you if he didn't. IMO, he would have treated you less warmly in front of them. He sent this message to them because he wanted them to see your progress!!!

It will be interesting to hear MIL's perspective. MIL and FIL are coming to dinner tonight when H is working.

What's the starting point for the alt?

[pollyanna]

Hi Sanderika - I would love to catch up with you . Is this your post or are you posting elsewhere.