Even though you are finding that with some detaching there are some changes in the interactions, you are finding it very difficult to keep up, especially when there are some glimmers of hope. Perhaps part of you is afraid that by continuing to detach that she will withdraw from the R.
I’m sure that you will get plenty of feedback, esp of the ‘tough love’ approach. Although not ideal, that at least is better than what hasn’t worked in the past.
My suggestion is to validate her when she tells you that you are angry (‘mind reads’). Although it may seem counter-intuitive, it is actually a very effective prelude to boundaries. The next time she tells you you are angry, try telling her something like “So something gives you that impression.” If she responds with x, y, and z, you could say “You know, it makes sense that you would think that. Maybe you would be interested in knowing how I do feel.” My experience has been that, when done with a non-blameful attitude, approaches like this can result in more comfortable outcomes. A big part of the attitude is neither making her ‘wrong’ nor taking blame yourself.
