Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[HopelessInLove]

Starsky,
Yes, Honesty is improtant, but in my sitch I confronted W early on in the EA and it just went deeper underground. If OM fiance knows and confronts him he may deny it and get pushed closer to my W, say yes there is something going on,end it with fiance, and then go after my W pushing their R to a diffent place, or lastly break the A off with W. Could that then harbor feelings between each other since they work together? Could another A between them happen in future? IDK

I do know this OM was saying to W something to the effect about not ruining R with his fiance. Maybe the OM is starting to have 2nd thought of having a young family again he has 2 20 something Ds. My W has a lot of baggage, maybe he is starting to see that and realizes he does not want that drama. IDK

I do know this, I have been in a holding pattern with my R/M since April. Not much has changed, except her making phone calls to the L, I will continue to hold on for now. Until, I have another mental breakdown. But for now I may not be in love with her but I still love her and want the R/M to be mended.

[Starsky309]

Starsky,
Yes, Honesty is improtant, but in my sitch I confronted W early on in the EA and it just went deeper underground. If OM fiance knows and confronts him he may deny it and get pushed closer to my W, say yes there is something going on,end it with fiance, and then go after my W pushing their R to a diffent place, or lastly break the A off with W. Could that then harbor feelings between each other since they work together? Could another A between them happen in future? IDK

Wow. That's a lot of what-if's and suppositions.

Or, the OM's fiance could take the information, process it, and figure out what's best for her and her own situation. You know, you're all adults and all that rot.

I don't like the whole "spying" word. Sounds so childish. I think of it as being more "confirming" or "checking."

Starsky

[Grocerykartman]

Sounds like you did well tonight my friend. And you also sound like you are starting to look at all of this more as an intellectual problem vs an emotional one. It's almost like a science really, and if weren't so gutwrenching it would be fascinating to understand how a relationship operates under this WAS stuff.

Continued good luck with your detaching.

[TimeHeals]

Yes, Honesty is improtant

Yep, I think so too.

but

Uh oh.... what follows is a lot of stuff that contradicts your opening assertion.

So... honesty, in your opinion, is definitely not important.

[HopelessInLove]

TH,
I was looking back at some of your posts and saw one where you were asking for Gucci's help. You were gettign advice from Allen. It sounds like your W is a mind reader, too. In the last few days that I have interacted with her and she has tried to read my mind I have with only a little success used my kryptonite to stop her. Any advise? These discussions are usually the ones that lead to arguments. Well that and her blaming me for stuff, and .... Well let's just handle one obstacle at a time.

[HopelessInLove]

Just confused today.

Last night, took the kids to my house after D soccer game. I chose not to leave until my W had dinner ready for the kids. The kids needed to get baths and S wanted to play trains with me. Once dinner was ready I said good night to the kids and was going to leave. As I passed through kitchen W stated in a negative tone had I known you were going to stay this long I would have made more and you could have eaten with us. The kids asked if I would stay. But I said no I had to go. W stated I know that you are angry that I don't have enough for you. I stopped her and said that I did not appriciate her trying to figure out what I was feeling. Before I left, W talked to me that she did not trust me and that I was hiding something. She then said she doesn't feel comfortable sharing anything personal with me. That I have used what she has told me in the past against her. Again trying to mind read. I told her I was not angry more sad and sorry. Besides, W stated, I have a soft side and that is no longer for you. Well, it is for no at this point.

She was to have the kids call me before they went to bed. At 8 pm she called and started to defend herself saying that she completely forgot and that she was sorry. Again saying that I was angry. I told her that that was ok. I will see them tomorrow and I am ok.

I felt good that I knew she was trying to engage me into a battle but was really okay and did not want to fight.

This morning at church, W and kids did not show up until a few minutes after it was started. She did not even interact with me during the service. When done with church she was apolgizing that she was late for this reason and that. I told her I had no problem with her being late.

Then, we stood out side of church for a good 40 min talking. I think W started to talk about the phone call from the night before. She said about how it made me angry and this and that. I let her go for a while and then tied the fact that a week ago I missed a phone call from the kids and I was disappointed that I did not get to talk to them. That particular night she lit into me about responsiblity and that I let the kids down and I need to be accountable. Then today I said that we have issues and that they happen and that is okay. The conversation went further and she brought up trust, again. I told her teh truth, up to the point I have tapes of her conversations with OM. I told her that I contacted a L and I know that she continues to talk to OM. Well her face got red and then she started to back petal.

Well, you know my feelings on L and that I really am affraid of that step. I said I was too and that I did it to understand my rights, but the first thing I am going to tell L was I don't want a D. W told me she found out that I contacted a L because she called same L and was told there would be a conflict of interest. Her comments to me were that she was going to discuss going to the L with me first. Did not want to say anything to her to cause a fight, why then did she not say something to me before she tried to call L? W- you blind sided me with that, and I don't feel like I can trust you.

As for the OM, she says that well I told him that the things he emailed to me they were a bit suggestive and that they were borderline inappropriate. I told her that I know about her other cell phone, and that she calls and recieves phone messages from OM. W- I talk to him just as a friend because I cannot talk to any one else. I told her that I was the person for that. W- I can trust him, Hhe listens to me. We keep on going back to trust.

I guess she feels like she cannot trust me! Why do I get the feeling I am not supposed to trust her? And I am still trying to save my marriage??

She did agree to look into some Co to better communicate for the kids sake. She did admit that she needs to be more calm and that she has tried to work on that. A small window of opportuntiy for the M, a big window for our R? Though she says she has tried to see us together and does not see that happening, because she does not trust me.

I know I am supposed to be detaching, but for some reason I feel with her as we communicate more she opens and is more receptive to us in general. As I detach she continues to lose us.

Just so confused?

[ArnieBGood]

Even though you are finding that with some detaching there are some changes in the interactions, you are finding it very difficult to keep up, especially when there are some glimmers of hope. Perhaps part of you is afraid that by continuing to detach that she will withdraw from the R.

I’m sure that you will get plenty of feedback, esp of the ‘tough love’ approach. Although not ideal, that at least is better than what hasn’t worked in the past.

My suggestion is to validate her when she tells you that you are angry (‘mind reads’). Although it may seem counter-intuitive, it is actually a very effective prelude to boundaries. The next time she tells you you are angry, try telling her something like “So something gives you that impression.” If she responds with x, y, and z, you could say “You know, it makes sense that you would think that. Maybe you would be interested in knowing how I do feel.” My experience has been that, when done with a non-blameful attitude, approaches like this can result in more comfortable outcomes. A big part of the attitude is neither making her ‘wrong’ nor taking blame yourself.

[Truegritter]

W- I talk to him just as a friend because I cannot talk to any one else. I told her that I was the person for that. W- I can trust him, Hhe listens to me. We keep on going back to trust.

This is WAS script my friend.

Which is why you have been given very good advice here on your sitch to detach.

You know what's going on. She is not going to admit to anything. she will resist any suggestion that it is inappropriate. Her fault. You made her do it she doesn't trust you.<<<<<This is all bullsh!t but she believes this most likely.

OM is her Knight in Shining Armor right now...

And you are the oppressor keeping her from happiness.

I know I am supposed to be detaching, but for some reason I feel with her as we communicate more she opens and is more receptive to us in general. As I detach she continues to lose us.

Listen man. Normally I would swing some lumber your way. I don't know any other way to say this than to just be straight and blunt:

But <<<<<Every time you say this word you lie to yourself.

But makes you the exception?

But makes you special?

But your situation is special?

But lets you off the hook?

You are still raw from this. And you think if you can just get your W back then

it will validate you.

There is no excuse for your W's decision to have an affair.

None. A coward's choice IMO.

BUT <<<<< See how this works.

Are you going to be the victim?

Martyr?

A have a news flash for you. You were part of the problem in the demise of your M.

If your W came back right now....

Would YOU be different?

Would the M be different?

Both of you. You're best thinking got you here.

Time for some bettter thinking. Some better choices.

I know you don't see this but your W has given you a gift.

The gift of time to fix yourself.

THEN your M has a chance to be saved.

You can't start that until you detach.

Or

You can have these interactions with her and try to read her mind while she is involvved with another man...

How is that going to help?

It is nothing but painful HIL.

You think these interactions are opening her up?

To what?

An opportunity for you walk on egg shells trying to convince her you've changed and are the better option?

How is that good for YOU?

You've got to get YOU back.

Don't snoop. Don't argue. Protect yourself financially and emotionally and any other way she can cause you pain.

Water off a duck's back...Get me?

DETACH.

Your M didn't get boken in a day and it is not going to be fixed in a day.

Take a deep breath and hold on this is gonna take work.

You can do this...

[Edmond Dantes]

^^^^ This seems like very wise advice to me FWIW.

[HopelessInLove]

Thanks for the kick in the pants!

It has felt like and eternity since I was M and in a good R with W. I do know that it will take time.

In our conversation today, I remember now as I read your relpy TG, W said she was starting to feel a little more comfortable with me. She was feeling little pressure and things were more relaxed. She then found out that I contacted a L. W then was upset with me. She did seem less angry up until Tuesday of this week when she called L.

I am done snooping! I have stopped recordings, I think I have enough info. And I want to stop the insanity.

I feel like I am just getting burned out thinking so much about everything. I know I need to keep on detaching.

Any thoughts on recharging battery? I am exercising regularly, doing a little more reading, talking with family more, and spending quality time with kids. Recharging with the kids is a hard one- 2 fold they are young and have a lot of energy, and reminds me of their mother and our family.