Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Another interesting morning. H and I had a long phone conversation this morning. He was in quite a depressed mood. He wanted to know why, given all the growth I've experienced, I would want to stay with a broken him rather than find someone new and better and not broken. He felt like he was dragging me down. I explained that I did not feel "dragged down" by him. I planned to continue everything I've been doing. I will continue to plan fun outings for D and I. And while he's welcome to join us on anything, I have the ability (now, unlike before) to enjoy the activities without him without it bringing me down. His joining in would make it better, but his absence does not drag us down. He asked many more questions but it was clear he didn't understand why I would continue to put up with him. I told him it was a decision I made with careful consideration and that he may not understand, but it was one I was comfortable with.

He once again said he was very worried that our reconciling would cause things to go back to the way they were. While he could see my changes were real and not done FOR him, he still worried that his returning would cause me to revert. He asked several times whether I thought it could actually work. I said yes, but not without him working on his issues. He seems stuck on worrying about whether *I* will change back and doesn't seem to be concentrating on the fact that HE needs to make significant changes for this to even be a workable trial. But I know he's trying. He KNOWS that he needs to change but I can see he still doesn't have a clear view of things.

He told me that the main purpose of the IC visit tomorrow is to help him work out whether him trying to make US work is the right decision. He said he knows it will end up with HIM having to figure that out but I guess he needs a sounding board and that's fine. He asked me if I had any questions. I inquired as to the reason for the FB deactivation. I wanted to know whether it was proactive or reactive. He said it was proactive. He explained that his circle of friends from her and his own had been slowly blending to the point of becoming uncomfortable. For example, he posted a picture of my brother and ended up having OW and her friends commenting on it. So I asked where he has left things with her. His answer was disappointing but not surprising.

He said that his first few trips to the midwest were above board regarding his contract work. He said the later ones also had a real reason but that by then, their relationship had developed. He had ordered divorce paperwork from legal zoom but every time he attempted to go that route, he'd have an anxiety attack. I guess he let OW know this which kind of freaked her out. And he said that as time went on, he realized that perhaps there was a reason why he would have an anxiety attack and that perhaps he had been looking at things wrong. And then add in the visible changes I had made and he was now questioning every decision he's made in the last 10 months. I guess he told OW this on his last visit to the midwest. He said that recently, she's been having talks with him about making their relationship "long term". I didn't ask what exactly that meant but its clear it was something that she saw as serious. He said that only helped to increase his anxiety. So because of his recent talk with her and his unsureness about everything he said their relationship has been spiraling out of control. But nothing has been ended. He said she's great but I'm great too and that he knows he needs to either jump in the plane and take over the controls or put a parachute on and jump out. But that one or the other needs to happen. I guess he wanted to just jump out of the FB world while he figured things out.

So although he gave me the impression that he had made his decision regarding the OW, he clearly hasn't. I appreciate his honesty even though it's clear he's still way more conflicted than he was originally letting on. There's no doubt he's heavily leaning my direction, but I can't blame him for worrying about reverting to old routines. I told him I can't give him any assurances but I know that I'm no longer willing to settle and I knew that neither was he.

Today I have a gettogether with D and her friends planned for her birthday. H is invited but I told him that if he wasn't feeling up to it, it was OK. We'll see what happens. I can't say that this hasn't left me a little down but the fact that THIS is the type of reconciliation I was expecting makes it a little more real for me. The craziness of the complete switch seemed a little unreal because it was. There is still a lot of work to do. I cannot make the decision for H. It needs to come from him. But I also can't lose sight of the fact that my changes need to continue for ME. I shall continue my readings and continue GAL. I hope that H will choose to join us on these events but like I said, only time will tell.