Finding My Way

[Lostinlife]

Hi Mystic, I certainly don't think that kids will bother anyone dating wise, we have them, what can we do? Right now I have no desire to date anyone, I miss having someone actually care about me, and I have no idea just how mentally, emotionally damaged I am going to be.

I understand the self esteem issues all too well, mine has taken a beating.

[Mystik]

NM, I am about 85 pounds overweight at the moment. Enough that when I went to a movie today the seat was a bit snug. I have tried working out consistently and eating right, I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried starving myself. Starving myself was the only way I was able to get any weight off, it's how I got those 15 pounds off. But obviously that's not a realistic way to lose weight. (Hope that's a typo in there and that you're not judging me. I hate how they don't give you a long window to make edits to your post. ) So for me surgery seems to be the best option.

Lostinlife, very true. We have the kids so, what can we do? I sometimes have desire to date but know myself enough to know that it would only be trying to find someone else to latch onto, which isn't healthy. And other/most days I think that I will never get involved with another man in my life. My self-esteem took a beating long before H came into my life so I can't blame him for that problem.

[courageous wife]

(((mystik)))

I have known a couple of people that have had the weightloss surgery...first of all...I need to admit that I have tried so many diets and the LBS diet has by far been the most successful one! Not really funny but hey...

The one girl I know, has done well, has had to have a tummy tuck and has a couple of other problem areas...her H has not been totally supportive but she is doing good.

The other person...happens to be OW...I don't know her but after BD...H admitted that she has got some major sagging skin issues...obviously, she has some emotional issues since she is having an A with a married man who is 17yrs older than her...

Over-eating is emotional and an addiction...that is why they won't do the surgery until they feel you are ready. Otherwise, you tend to become addicted to something else...gambling, sex, alcohol etc.

Since I have lost weight...I do have slightly more confidence but I find that I am uncomfortable with the extra attention whether it be from well meaning acquantinces who have noticed or unwanted attention from other guys...

I guess what I am trying to say is...until you are comfortable with yourself...fat or skinny...it will not solve all your issues! Work from the inside out!!! I am not for or against the surgery...whatever works for the individual!

Mystik.....I promise you that if you can learn to love yourself...everyone else will love you too!

[TimeHeals]

Meanwhile I am here desperately grieving my lost opportunity for a second child with my H

Or so you have been saying for almost as long as I have been on here.

In that time, others have divorced, moved on, and some have found new partners. Still others have made huge, life changing transformations, and their spouses have as well, and their marriages reconcilled.

You can take ownership of your own choices and live your own life if you want to do that, but you haven't been willing to really even try much for so long. Not choosing to do that is choosing to go through all of this pain and misery that you tell us all about daily.

Deal with the legal stuff. Spouses sue for legal fees in family court all of the time. Of course, settlements there tend to be income based, and an attorney would know what is usual where you are.

GAL, GAL, GAL, GAL.

Did I say GAL?

The foundation is: excercise, nutrition and rest.

Establish a daily (every single day) excercise and nutrition program. Get good sleep (excercise will help this, but no caffine late at night,etc).

Do it. Take the first steps toward non-misery.

[Abbey]

Mystik... STOP!

You said: But it feels like letting go of H means letting go of any hope of him returning. Like if I don't hold on tight now I'll never have him again.

When has that ever worked for anyone? Case after case here... people have had to totally LET GO in order for any HOPE of getting back together with someone. STOP doing the same stuff and expecting a different result.

The rest of it... no matter if it's him or someone else... your JOB is to take care of YOU. You can moan all you want about what was taken away from you.... and trust me... I GET what you are going through.... At some point you HAVE TO GET A LIFE and start working on becoming the person only an idiot wouldn't want to be with. For your own sake... time for us to start punching you in the arm every time you slip off track.

The SOONER you get the legal junk done the better, you're holding on tight to not only the hope but now also you're holding on to the misery this has been giving you. I realize it feels that it's the only thing left... but the BEST thing you can do LET IT GO.

Abs

[KellBell0820]

Mystik, I completely agree with Abbey. I know it's tough but you can not hang on to that misery and continue doing the negative self talk. Start making those gratitude lists. It sounds crazy, especially when you can't really think of anything, but I started doing it and it has helped. Even if I only do it when I'm feeling down, I've found it helps. How about taking one of those days when your H has DS and doing something special for you?

[newmama]

lol, Mystik-- you are right- that was a typo! I am NOT judging you but agree with CW about the dangers of doing a quick fix when the emotional issues will pop up in another way. And with the surgery, you would lose weight fast and then have sagging skin that would require plastic surgery or covering your body up.

How are your ovaries? Seriously--when I was having trouble doing everything you described and the weight wouldn't come off except when I was starving myself, it turned out that there was another problem. I had a very large cyst on one of my ovaries. I didn't know until I had an attack and they did an MRI. I had that sucker removed and the weight seemed to melt off! I did the same thing I did prior to the surgery (worked out 5 days per week and reducing my calories but also eating out 1 day per week). This time the weight came off. And I was able to do it again after my pregnancy, so I think the cyst was to blame.

Turns out that women who have polycystic ovarian syndrome have weight gain issues among other things. Now I don't have that, but like I said, I did have a 6.5" cyst. I read about PCOS in one of Dr. Oz's weight loss books and asked my doctor to run tests. The tests showed that I didn't have it but then 6 months later I had an extremely painful attack that landed me in the ER.
Otherwise I wouldn't have known about it.

My point is that it is still worth getting those tests (blood samples but I can't remember what they test) just to screen. And have your OBGYN look into it.

[Mystik]

I think there's enough 2x4s in here to buld me a nice little house with. *lol*

I know I need to let H go. I need to detach enough that I can let him go. I pray nightly for strength and for God to guide me on this path and help me to do what is the right thing.

[Mystik]

Minimal interaction with H today when I picked up DS. Asked him where the antibiotics bottle was and he said in DS's backpack. He then joked, "Bet you thought I forgot it" and I replied that was why I texted him, to make sure he didn't. But apparently I should have texted to remember DS's jacket because he did forget that. I ended up buying DS a $12 fleece jacket at WalMart so he would have something to wear in the mornings, it's darn cold when we leave.

Looked at the petitions I should file, they don't quite fit what I need them for so I'm going to call the lawyer tomorrow and ask for an in-office consultation, find out how much that will be.

[Abbey]

Mystik, I'm going to keep sending the 2 x 4s.

Look, you *know* I know where you're coming from, right down to the preg whore. I'm telling you, UNTIL and UNLESS you let him go, and become very assertive about this D... you'll regret it.

Here's what I think in a nut shell.

1/ He's still alien abducted. You can't change that. Don't try.
2/ He'll be back. He wanted to leave before, that'll happen again.
3/ You have 2 choices you can either HELP that process by getting the hell out of the way, LETTING HIM GO BIG TIME and that will LET him finally find his way back to you... OR
4/ You can keep on trying to HOLD on... and prolong this agony you're in AND... incidentally wreck any chance of him coming back to you.

Think of holding on as pushing him away... cuz that is what the result is.

Become that person that only an idiot wouldn't want to be with.

You have that time USE IT WISELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As for the legal aspect.. he's trying to black mail you.. (I sold homes for 10 years and am a good negotiator).. TURN this around on him. Put it straight at him: You want your frikkin' D... you'll get it when you GIVE ME MY MONEY!

*hugs*
Abs