Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[HopelessInLove]

Just confused today.

Last night, took the kids to my house after D soccer game. I chose not to leave until my W had dinner ready for the kids. The kids needed to get baths and S wanted to play trains with me. Once dinner was ready I said good night to the kids and was going to leave. As I passed through kitchen W stated in a negative tone had I known you were going to stay this long I would have made more and you could have eaten with us. The kids asked if I would stay. But I said no I had to go. W stated I know that you are angry that I don't have enough for you. I stopped her and said that I did not appriciate her trying to figure out what I was feeling. Before I left, W talked to me that she did not trust me and that I was hiding something. She then said she doesn't feel comfortable sharing anything personal with me. That I have used what she has told me in the past against her. Again trying to mind read. I told her I was not angry more sad and sorry. Besides, W stated, I have a soft side and that is no longer for you. Well, it is for no at this point.

She was to have the kids call me before they went to bed. At 8 pm she called and started to defend herself saying that she completely forgot and that she was sorry. Again saying that I was angry. I told her that that was ok. I will see them tomorrow and I am ok.

I felt good that I knew she was trying to engage me into a battle but was really okay and did not want to fight.

This morning at church, W and kids did not show up until a few minutes after it was started. She did not even interact with me during the service. When done with church she was apolgizing that she was late for this reason and that. I told her I had no problem with her being late.

Then, we stood out side of church for a good 40 min talking. I think W started to talk about the phone call from the night before. She said about how it made me angry and this and that. I let her go for a while and then tied the fact that a week ago I missed a phone call from the kids and I was disappointed that I did not get to talk to them. That particular night she lit into me about responsiblity and that I let the kids down and I need to be accountable. Then today I said that we have issues and that they happen and that is okay. The conversation went further and she brought up trust, again. I told her teh truth, up to the point I have tapes of her conversations with OM. I told her that I contacted a L and I know that she continues to talk to OM. Well her face got red and then she started to back petal.

Well, you know my feelings on L and that I really am affraid of that step. I said I was too and that I did it to understand my rights, but the first thing I am going to tell L was I don't want a D. W told me she found out that I contacted a L because she called same L and was told there would be a conflict of interest. Her comments to me were that she was going to discuss going to the L with me first. Did not want to say anything to her to cause a fight, why then did she not say something to me before she tried to call L? W- you blind sided me with that, and I don't feel like I can trust you.

As for the OM, she says that well I told him that the things he emailed to me they were a bit suggestive and that they were borderline inappropriate. I told her that I know about her other cell phone, and that she calls and recieves phone messages from OM. W- I talk to him just as a friend because I cannot talk to any one else. I told her that I was the person for that. W- I can trust him, Hhe listens to me. We keep on going back to trust.

I guess she feels like she cannot trust me! Why do I get the feeling I am not supposed to trust her? And I am still trying to save my marriage??

She did agree to look into some Co to better communicate for the kids sake. She did admit that she needs to be more calm and that she has tried to work on that. A small window of opportuntiy for the M, a big window for our R? Though she says she has tried to see us together and does not see that happening, because she does not trust me.

I know I am supposed to be detaching, but for some reason I feel with her as we communicate more she opens and is more receptive to us in general. As I detach she continues to lose us.

Just so confused?