Back for round 2!!

[Augtan]

I have been on the "divorced but not done" board some and they just don't reply as much as over here, so I am back. I won't bore anyone with my long story..the bottom of here says most everything. XH is single yet again, had dated a real winner for a few months, but I think she is gone, thank God. He was up here a few weeks ago, stayed at my house with me and the kids, we were "together" and it was great! We were more intimate than we had been when we had been together other times since Dday, more kissing, touching, talking, etc. Anyway, I continue to DB and am doing better than ever at it, no R talk, no contact unless he makes it or it's about the kids, we don't really see each other cause he lives 700 miles away. He lost his job a few weeks ago, and I have been nothing but supportive to all of that and I have seen him emerge from the tunnel more and more, but I know he is still in and out a lot too.

It would have been our 19th anniversary this last Tuesday and I vowed not to contact him, and I didn't, he IM'd me and we chatted a bit, then at the end I said "19 years ago today I married and amazing man and I miss him very much, we miss and love you..all of us, if you look back you will see that I never turned my back on you and support you 100%, I hope you have a great day" He replied "thanks" and that was it. I went out with a bunch of friends that night and had a blast, didn't expect anything from him and was perfectly happy. I got home at 10:45 pm and at 11 pm, I got a text from him that simply said "Happy Anniversary", I have to be honest...I dropped to my knees and started sobbing and praying! I was so thankful for that little bit from him. I replied "Same to you, I married an incredible man and I feel very blessed to have had you as my husband, Thanks!" That was it. I was just glad he had at least thought about us on our day and that was about it.

I really don't get my hopes up anymore, but I do think that he is finally making a turn and all I can pray for at this point is for him to get as healthy as possible for our kids sake and maybe find a job up here, so he can be near his kids. What do all of you experts think? Since that text I have done nothing except talk to him breifly about the kids and his job hunting. I just continue to be an unconditional support to him, but is that good or bad? I just don't know if it makes me a push over and he sees me as weak or what.

A

[MHL]

Hi Augtan,
Read this yesterday and have been thinking about your post and how to respond and I had to stop and reflect on my own M and really everyone elses M here on the boards.

For all of us, our old M is over......period.

For some others, including you, it is legally over too.

Really the only difference between the 2 examples is a piece of paper, which means more to the WAS/MLC than it does to us.

Stop holding onto a M that is dead, okay to want the person who was your spouse before the D, but do you really want the old M back? The WAS/MLCer doesn't want it back either, they may want pieces of it but over all they do not want it.

then at the end I said "19 years ago today I married and amazing man and I miss him very much, we miss and love you..all of us, if you look back you will see that I never turned my back on you and support you 100%, I hope you have a great day"

When you say this up here ^^^^^^^, This is what he hears.....

"Come back to a life, full of unhappiness, responsibility, and genral misery that you ran from a couple of years ago."

If I asked you that, what would you say? (remember this is/was his reality)

You probably wouldn't say anything b/c you would be high-tailing it outta here, right??? (remember it is his preception not yours)

Stop trying to make him remember what you had, it is over. Sorry that is harsh. When you remind him of it that equals pain and guilt for him. He knows what he did, trust me he knows, you know how I know? Because he said this.......

"Happy Anniversary",

He did not say it after you said your little diddy, he said "Thank you"........

What he was really saying was.....

"Thank you for reminding me of what I did and pretty much making me feel like crap and full of guilt the rest of the day"

The "Happy Anniversary" text you got was an attempt to aleviate the guilt you reminded him of earlier.

Making any sense????? (Sorry for the 2X4's)

What do all of you experts think?

I am glad to tell you what I think, but I am no expert I just have a different perspective on your situation than you do and so I can be more objective about it than you. Don't worry works the same way in my sitch, nice little feature of the boards, Huh?

Okay, most importantly...what I think, LOL

You have 2 things to address here and one is related to the other. The first is YOU and the second is Attracting men to YOU. (notice I said attracting MEN and not your XH, more about that in a minute)

YOU You will find that here on the MLC forum we focus on working on YOU and leave the MLC to "spin" in their own little storm and try not to get sucked in. I see from your signature you have been at this for 3 years. What have you changed in YOU during that time?

How have you made Augtan a better Augtan?

What were your H marital complaints?

What are Augtan's goals, aspirations, desires?

Who is Augtan???????

I have not read any of your thread at all (which is unusual for me) so if you have done the hard work and asked yourself the hard questions and you have grown personally.....then these questions will be easy to answer and we can skip to step 2.

STEP 2...Attracting men to YOU.

When you stop focusing on your XH and focus on you, you will in-turn become more "attractive" to any man out there. Think back to before you met your XH and what did you do to attract a man or in your case a boy (you 39 + 19 anniv. = married young....see I'm smart )

Make you a better you and think about what would make you more attractive to other men and more than likely it will attract your XH also. This is not rocket science but it is a hell of alot harder.

Treat your XH like you would any man you might be dating or trying to date. Don't do things with your XH that you wouldn't do on a date or with a man you were dating.

And above all else do not talk about the past. Do not talk about the good times the bad times, nothing. Think about it, would you talk on and on about your past with a new man?

If not then do not do it with your XH.

Here comes some more math......

NEW YOU + NEW XH = NEW RELATIONSHIP

Think about that equation.........

What can you control in that equation????

Hope this helps.

Cheers

[Truegritter]

I just continue to be an unconditional support to him, but is that good or bad? I just don't know if it makes me a push over and he sees me as weak or what.

There is a fine line between hope and expectations.

I heard some in your responses to H.

Missher hit on some good points up there.

You told your H what you were doing

Being supoortive
Be there 100%

For HIM.

Actions not words should do your talking because then he can draw his own conclusions.

Do you want H back because he has finally appreciated the sacrifice you are making for HIM?

Do you want him back because he feels guilty about what he has done?

These are tough questions Aug.

Is it unconditional support if you have an expectation of the outcome? Or it is conditional on that outcome?

The fine line between expectation and hope is the pain it causes you...

Hope is that part of us that nourishes us. Keeps us healthy.

Pushover? Doormat?

If you are asking the question then you are to some degree because you have not made the connection that

"unconditional supoort" is what you do without conditions.

Unconditional love. Means you also love yourself completely enough to be ok

with any outcome good or bad. Whether we like THEIR choices or not.

If you feel you are a martyr then you will become resentful at some point. And he will feel you making these HUGE sacrifices...

for him.

Guilt or support?

Live your life for you. Then see what happens.

[Augtan]

Helped a lot, thank you so much for replying. I totally understand what you are saying...but why do you think he comes back and when he does wants it to be exactly like when we were married if it was so bad when we were (in his mind)? Are those times when he is out of the tunnel and can see that things weren't as bad he makes them to have been in his MLC mind?

We don't really talk about the past, when I said we layed in bed talking, it was about current things, and I don't bring up the A or anything anymore at all. We talk about the kids, problems at my work, his job hunting, etc. So, that part I have down good, I didn't really think telling him all that in the IM was bringing up the past, just wanting him to know I have been there for him and will continue to...no matter what! But, now I see that you are right!

I have done the hard work and am a completely different person, a better person who reacts completely differently. Not perfect, but a million times different and that is how I slowly show him a new R with me, cause each time he comes up here and it is good, and fun, and different, he carves more. I also sent him a very flitry text yesterday morning, I know he loved it and he texted back a flirty one. Then it was just back and forth about our son's game. He lives so far away, and I know he is out there dating and looking for a relationship, also hanging around people who are in his same situation who encourage the lifestyle and make him feel "happy" for the few hours they are out partying it up. So, I know I have to just keep doing what I am doing and staying out of the spin of his little storm.

"How long am I suppose to wait for him to come back?" "How long would you want him to wait for you?" was a quote on a show the other night and it really hit home...while I am not waiting for him, I do wonder how long I will have it in the back of my mind and still consider it an option if he were to do the work necessary. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me that I would still consider giving it another shot with him after all the awful things he has done to us (me and our kids), it would be a whole new R and I guess that is why I consider it. Also, because I love him.

A

[Truegritter]

Not perfect, but a million times different and that is how I slowly show him a new R with me, cause each time he comes up here and it is good, and fun, and different, he carves more. I also sent him a very flitry text yesterday morning, I know he loved it and he texted back a flirty one.

I see you framing your changes FOR him to SHOW him.

Not your job.

Remember how long it took you to detach from all of this and the pain. And you haven't forgotten that.

We as LBS's wait so long and then finally we see some change and it gives us that little burst of

OH my! can they be coming out of this?!

Stop watching him. Stop trying to show him.

What does a person (any person) who you would consider sharing your life with look like?

What does H look like when you would consider sharing and trusting all you have gained through this process?

I think when we have gained our strength and ourselves then we really become that

person to be pursued. The person they desire again.

Then it is up to the LBS to decide IF they want a relationship.

and when.

[ericmsant2]

Then it is up to the LBS to decide IF they want a relationship.

and when

And this is the key!