Not a good Saturday. Kids were fighting/rebellious to start, neither W nor I were on the same page with them. After things settled down we went shopping for clothes, which was fine. Got home, started doing laundry, planning the week's meals, and other chores.

During a break in the action, W mentioned something about my sister, whom she works with. W has issues about how she thinks my side of the family views her, and I tried to lead her here in dealing with it. Did a good job, validated, made her know my feelings, that I support her. Then she started talking about being financially secure, saying "You may think it's shallow of me to be concerned with money..." I validated really well here, and it seemed to be going well.

Then it got out of control, and I couldn't delay her about talking about the R. We started talking about me leaving again which got her all melty wife. I wasn't as detached as I was the other night, because I hadn't prepared myself for talking about it today.

I told her my plans about moving out, about our finances, about custody stuff, everything. She seemed really disappointed when I said that I wasn't sure I could be friends with her; I could be friendly, cordial, civil, but I didn't know if I could do more than that.

She asked if I'd be able to come over and have dinners as a family, play Monopoly, etc. I said that might not be the best idea for me or the girls, as it'd confuse them. That the time I spent with them might be better just me and them.

I wasn't strong. I was (am) wracked by doubts, and they showed. W just wants our family to stay intact for the girls sake, at least til we've paid off our debt. Kept saying "I'll do anything you want" meaning sex. I told her that I really understood how she felt in June when she wanted to leave; the guilt, the doubt, the fear of making the worst mistake in your life.

Didn't sleep very well. Both worried about the girls, and worried about each other.

Now I look at my budget, and can't see how I thought I could afford an apt while keeping the house for the girls. The money just isn't there! My whole goal of keeping my daughters in the only home they've known is evaporating.