I know you all are busy people so i wont try to waste to much of your time. On labor day after a weekend of my wife and I being weird to one another, my wife decided she was going to get some of her stuff, and go to her dads house (she's 25, I'm 27). This happened one time right before we got engaged almost 3 years ago, and she left for a night then came back the next day. Just like last time she said she felt like roomates, didnt know if she loved me etc. so i let her go again. Two days after labor day we talked and she told me that back in January she had a PA (one time thing she said with a guy she knew from before we were dating) and that she wanted a divorce. I did know at the time that the two of them talked in Jan. b/c i saw it on the phone records. I confronted her at the time and she said she was sorry, said she would never talk to him again, tell him not to call, etc. etc. At the time though i only thought it might have been an EA. Since I confronted her on this everything between us seemed fine to me.
So back to when the bomb happened. After she told me about the PA i was pissed, but with reading some books instead of attacking, pleading, chasing, I pretty much went the yea, i think us divorcing is a good idea thing. I helped her move her stuff out to her dads. When she came over I acted better then fine. But within a week or two i fell into the rut of doing all of the things that this board and the book specifically says not to do. This lasted until last Sat. when after calling my wife on the phone she got mad, said she needed space like we talked about, and that me telling talking to her about us just made her feel guilty. It was then that something clicked with me. I immediately texted her and said thanks for telling me to leave you alone, i needed that. She texted back and said no she was being a bitch which i ignored. Then an hour later she texted me asking what i meant by thats what i needed which i also ignored. I had decided that we were both about to get a lot of space. Then two days later on our anniversary she calls me. Instead of answering i called her back an hour later and asked what she wanted. She said she just wanted to call and say hi and once again asked what i meant with the text from sat. and why didnt i write her back. I told her that i didnt mean anything and that i couldnt really talk right now because i was going to meet some people to watch the football game. When i said bye she said it back but in a way that she has a couple of times during the last month like she was going to cry. After i got off the phone i couldnt understand why shes calling me after just two days before she said that she needed space.
On wed. I sent her a text(I know i shouldnt have) saying that she had mail at the house and how did she want to get it. I then told her that i would just mail it to her. Yesterday, on Fri. I texted her back saying that she needed to come and get the mail, b/c i know me and im not going to make it by a post office anytime soon nor should i have to worry about getting her her mail. So at lunch time yesterday she comes up to my office and gets her mail. When she gets there I came outside and she asked me why i was dressed so nice. I told her i had a meeting at one and that i was going out after work and didnt have time to go home and change. We talked for about 20 mins. Mostly small talk, I wouldnt bring up the relationship or any of the stuff I had been doing. She apologized for putting me through all this, said i didnt deserve it and that she knew it was in her head and this and that. She mentioned me not wearing my ring anymore and i told her that i had to start living my life for me and worrying about me. I then said i needed to go and for her to take care.
I know that both of us are responsible for getting the marriage to this point. While she did do the more hurtful act I allowed myself to get into ruts with work, life, etc. We spent 99.9 percent of our time together, but looking back and also talking to her during the first month when i was asking her to come back, Issues arose about me not listening to things she wanted, like moving to another state and that i made her feel like she was just taking up space here. She also said she always felt like she had to make me do things, like propose, buy our house etc.
So where im at now is wanting to know what i should be doing. I assume that im at the lrt stage, so ive started doing it to the fullest. I know i probably spent the last 20 minutes rambling in this thread, but I have a tendency to give way to much detail so please dont hesitate to ask me about anything that you have questions about. Once again I want to think everyone just for taking the time to read this and I would appreciate any help necessary. Thanks
Sorry you are here Db9. This is a tough place to be.
Personally, I think you are doing GREAT and doing everything exactly right. Keep up everything that you are doing and let her bring up the R at some point. It doesn't sound like you will have too wait long.
Don't beat yourself up for falling into ruts. It happens to most of us. How long have you been together. How was the M prior to this?
There will be smarter people coming along to help you soon, but traffic is slow on the weekends.
Hang in there buddy. This will get better. Keep working on yourself and be the best you can be for yourself. Let her think you are fine with that and that you have moved on.
Thank you so much for responding and the kind words.
Our two year anniversary was monday, the day she called just to say hey. We've been together for almost 5 years total.
I know there were things as a husband i could have done better, I just never thought it was bad enough for us to be here.
As far as how were things before, they seemed fine. We took a cruise in June and had a great time. We were suppose to go out of town the week that she left. We had been planning up to the friday before she left when things started to change. Up until then she was brining stuff home for places for us to go when we were out of town etc.
When it happened it completely came out of left field for me. Since then she has told me things like i made her feel like we wanted different things. She had been on a kick about moving for the last few years and I just couldnt jump for whatever reason. Whether it was b/c of family being here, us having a house, etc, but not i look at all that and realize how unimportant some of that stuff was.
You seem to have gotten the correct tactic down pretty early. Many left behind spouses (LBS) do the clinging routine way too long. You've read the book, and are following the LRT strategy well. The only thing I would caution is not talking about the R too much, unless she brings it up. Then just validate (listen and agree) with how she feels. Let her do most of the talking.
Keep us updated with how things go.
Do you have kids? How long have you been married, your respective ages, etc?
You seem fortunate to me. You've learned pretty early on what works, and what doesn't work, and so you have a clear map on what to do. Keep doing the "you're right, this isn't working" thing, being mysterious, courteous (but not clingy) and -- most of all -- GAL stuff.
Eventually, I bet your wife comes back, but if she doesn't, you'll make a great catch for someone else.
I was wanting a little more insight into my situation. If anybody else has anything that might help, please don't hesitate to share.
When I saw my wife last Friday I didn't understand why once again she needed to apologize. Also at one point she asked me why I had my hand in my pocket, and when I took it out she said I see you're not wearing your ring anymore. Also, she still makes commits like "I guess you can take a date when u go out of town.". I just reply back with things like yea maybe. We haven't talked since lunch time friday and I assume that I should continue with no contact? I just want to make sure that I'm not skipping anything before I hit that stage. Thanks everyone.
I was wanting a little more insight into my situation. If anybody else has anything that might help, please don't hesitate to share.
When I saw my wife last Friday I didn't understand why once again she needed to apologize. Also at one point she asked me why I had my hand in my pocket, and when I took it out she said I see you're not wearing your ring anymore. Also, she still makes commits like "I guess you can take a date when u go out of town.". I just reply back with things like yea maybe. We haven't talked since lunch time friday and I assume that I should continue with no contact? I just want to make sure that I'm not skipping anything before I hit that stage.
You are doing great! All these things your W is asking is a sign that she still has feelings toward you. She may not admit that to herself.....or might not know it, but she does. She is kind of on the fense right now. You have her attention! She is interested in why you are looking so hot, not wearing your ring, etc.
Keep doing what you're doing. At some point, she will test you to see if you will respond to her sexually. Be prepared and don't cave in. It will be a test to see if she can still control you in that department. Just have a "thanks, but no thanks" response.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, I just talked to my wife. She called at 530, I didnt pick up, she called right back, I didnt pick up, and then she left a voice mail. The voice mail was talking about her putting money into my account, when she left she said she didnt want to leave me with some of the debt we have, so she said she would give me money until we paid them off. So she asked me how she should handle this, something that we talked about on friday and i told her how. Once again we had some small talk and she said sorry i called you twice, my phone cut out the first time so i called you back so i could leave a message, I dont want you to think im crazy or anything. Then she asked how i was, i said good. She then once again apologized and said she was sorry for doing this to me and that she hopes that something good comes out of it for me, like me going to grad school or finding a different job. Two things she knows ive thought about for a while.
The kicker was she started to say bye and all of a sudden i said hey, hold on a sec. and sat the phone down. After about 30 secs i said hey i need to go like it was a hurry. She said is everything ok and i said oh yea, i just need to go right now. She asked if i wanted her to text me when the money was in the bank, and i said no, ill see it when I check the account eventually.
I agree with the consensus that you are doing all the right things.
Originally Posted By: Db9
I was wanting a little more insight into my situation. If anybody else has anything that might help, please don't hesitate to share.
Maybe you have an idea of what kind of feedback would help.
Instead of just letting them drop, you can help her "own" her comments. For example
Originally Posted By: Db9
she said I see you're not wearing your ring anymore.
(you) "So that comes as a surprise."
Originally Posted By: Db9
"I guess you can take a date when u go out of town."
(you) "So you have a reason for mentioning that."
Originally Posted By: Db9
I assume that I should continue with no contact? I just want to make sure that I'm not skipping anything before I hit that stage.
I believe that the drill is to continue to GAL regardless of what she does or doesn't do, and consider whatever offer she might eventually take the initiative to come up with - or not as the case may be. Either way is a win for you.
